Yea!!! I am actually not wanting to call H and talk him into making things better... IT GETS OLD... and doing things his way and not standing up for me and what I want has gotten old too, I do think that was my misunderstanding in plan a... I can't just do everything WITH NO boundaries... I had them before the A, so now I drop them all.... NO.. I need to be me... i think my H kind of freaked out over me being too doormatty and taking all this crap... and in the beginning the crying and the begging was so unattractive... HE Even sd... be strong, let me go, and believe in YOU - all of these are things he needs to come back... he even sd he does not want to come back to someone who will do what ever he wnts to have him back... that is not who he fell in love with anyway... OH BOY!<p>I am tired of messing up, and trying harder now... plus I am too busy to even deal with his life and problems now, have to take care of me and kids.<p>So, just wanted to post about it... will keep yall updated with progress... I can use any suggestions to keep the momentum going...<p>thanks for helping me get to this point!<p>HONEY

Great job!!!!!<p>It's a huge relief to give it up. HUGE. Open the cage door and let them fly. There's an analogy that I like to use. You see your WS out there drowning in the ocean. Your first instinct is to jump in and save them. After jumping in and grabbing them you discover that they are dragging you down with them. You struggle and struggle but find yourself getting deeper and deeper. Finally you break free and swim back to safety. You come to your senses and grab a life saver and throw it out to them waiting to pull them in.<p>The roller coaster is still there for me, just the peaks and troughs have been shaved off a bit. One thing I've discovered is contact with them usually leads to them (mabye unwittingly) dragging us down again. That's why I keep contact as sparse as possible (we have a 4 y.o.).<p>Enjoy that huge weight being lifted off your shoulders!!!!!

Honey--<p>I am kinda in the same boatd---leaving contact up to W (WS)...<p>A couple of things for you:<p>1. Keep busy...do stuff for yourself...this is easier said than done as I am findiing out, but I hav eincrease my workouts to twice a day sto fill someof the time...<p>2. Pick up a copy of Michelle Weiner-Davis Divorce Remedy...lots of advicein there about detaching some...<p>good luck <p>E

Honey- it may not seem like it now, but you just took a huge step towards your own personal recovery.<p>Once you get to this point, the point where you finally realize that you can not control WS, that you are no longer going to be a doormat and you refuse to play their games, it takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. So now the burden of saving the M falls on the shoulders of the WS, let them carry it around now. You have just freed yourself from WS and can focus exclusively on your own recovery.<p>Its time to do the things you like to do, for yourself and not for anyone else. Stay busy, but don't forget to take some quiet time as well, give yourself time to think about stuff, including the M, WS and the A, but also about yourself and how much you have grown because of this experience.<p>Yes, resist those urges to call WS and talk to him about saving the M. I have a feeling that he is going to start wondering what is going on with you, why you have become so unavailable all of a sudden. Let his conscience start to gnaw on him for a change.<p>You go girl! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

From "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, MD. (not an affair book but is great for learning how to control your thoughts and improve your moods/depression)<p>background: H left W and moved in with OW. W would like to rebuild marriage, H wants a divorce.<p>"Wife defined her goals. She would experiment to see if she could in fact get her husband back. The first milestone would be to determine if she could effectively increase his rate of contact with her. She measured meticulously the frequency and duration of his every telephone call and visit home, recording this information on a piece of graph paper taped to the regrierator door. She carefully assessed the crucial relationship between her behavior (the stimulus) and the frequency of his contacts (the response).<p>She initiated NO contact with him at all on her own, but instead responded positively and affectionately to his calls. Her strategy was straightforward. Rather then noticing and reacting to all the things about him that she didn't like, she began to reinforce systematically those that she did like. The rewards she used were all the things that turned him on--praise, food, sex, affection, etc.<p>She began by responding to his rare calls in an upbeat, positive, complimentary manner. She flattered and encouraged him. She avoided ANY criticism, argument, demands, or hostility and found a way to agree with everything he said by finding some item in it to agree to even if only agreeing that she understands why he feel "that" way. Initially she terminated all these calls after five to ten minutes to ensure the likelihood the conversations would not deteriorate into an argument or become boring to him. This guaranteed that her feedback would be pleasant to him, and that his (positive) response to it would not be suppressed or eliminated.<p>After she did this a few times, she noticed her H began to call more and more frequently because the calls were positive, rewarding experiences for him. She noted this increased rate of telephoning on her graph paper just as a scientist observes and documents the actions of an experiment. As his phone calls increased, she began to feel encouraged, and some of her irritation and resentment melted away.<p>One day he appeared at the house and according to her plan, she announced, "I'm so hapy you dropped by because I just happen to have a fresh, fancy imported Cuban cigar in the freezer for you. It's the expensive type you really like." She actually had a whole box of them waiting so she was able to repeat this each time he visited--regardless of why or when he came. She noticed the frequency of his visits substantially increased.<p>In a similar manner, she continued to "shape" his behavior using REWARDS rather than coercion. She realized how sucessful she had been when her H decided to leave his girl friend and asked if he could move back in with her.<p>Am I saying that is the only way to related and to influence people? NO--that would be absurd. It's just a pleasant spice, not the whole banquet or even the main course. But it is a frequesntly overlooked delicacy that few appetites can resist. There is no guarantee it will work--some situations may be irrevesible, and you can't always get what you want.<p>At any rate, TRY the upbeat reward system. You may be pleasantly surprised at the remarkable effectiveness of your secret strategy. In addition to motivationg the people you care about to want to be around you, it will improve your mood because you learn to notice and focus on the positive things that others do rather then dwell on their negatives."<p>
Hope this gives you something to think about. I'd recommend this book for anyone dealing with depression as it is amazing and has the scientific proof to show it's worth. My counselor recommended it to me and it has done wonders, not only in areas that I can find helpful with the issues of rebuilding after a betrayal, but in everyday living and finding out just how well we can control our own moods and thoughts.

I am in a hurry, as I have 2 kids... and have to go to work and get them off to school... ws invited ME to dinner last night, and took me somewhere very nice, WOW... what do ya know... I did not eliminate all ow talk, but i am working on it... I accidently had a few... and a few were OK... but I could tell... the more I made... it started to deteriorate his mood.. he does not like to feel guilty.<p>Thanks for the wonderful advice, I know this phase is harder than the last... I HAVE to CONTROL myself... and not just react or do whatever crzed thing comes to mind, in this crzed situation.<p>thanks, HONEY