lim,<p>Please see my newest post to you. OM called me!<p>sad dad<p>p.s. BTW, I still talk with Steve Harley every few weeks.<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Sad Dad,...... There is a poem by Emily Dickerson that goes "There are two of us don't tell they will banish us you know", your experiences with your divorce parallels mine completely. I am trying to get custody of my three children (2 boys’ and a girl). I still live in the house and expect this to come to a head in the next few weeks. My oldest son wants to stay with me and the other two are still too young to have a say but I think I will get them as well. I don’t believe that the court would split up the children. But the system is always full of surprises.
How is your custody case going? I’m very interested in where you are with it. I have a WS(W) that was never home had multiple affairs drove her children drunk, found love letters in the house and still is never home except to do home work. She is attempting to become a super mom due to the custody case looming over her. By the time its finished this will cost me $70k. It is very draining. I have no intention of ever trying to reconcile our lives. After this is over except for the children I never want to see her again. I just want to get on with my life, with the children. “ Lets Talk”

Sad Dad,
I was just wondering could you do a joint custody with week to week with both parents i my self.Think a child should have parents not some one they see on a weekend or so have ya.I feel that a child can have a bond with both if they see both at same amount of time.For the childs sake.

Sad Dad,<p>It's good that you are fighting for custody. My H did when his wife left him and their children. Go got custody for several reasons, she was not living in the family home, she was living with OM, there was proof that she was doing drug.<p>I too believe that children should have strong relationships with both parents. But the very nature of divorce forces the concept of a primary parent. The custody evaluators here in NM say that studies have shown that children do not do well when time is split 50/50 between parents’ homes. They need a far more stable environment then that. The tried it, it does not work. <p>From my experience, your children will do the best if they can have a good relationship with both of you, with neither one bad mouthing the other. But 50/50 does not work. <p>Your wife chooses to have, and continue an affair. She chose to break the family up. Therefore, she is the one who has the least interest in the family’s best interests. Children always loose the most in divorce.

zorweb.... I agree with the state of NM. A 50/50 split won't work. The children need to know that there is one parent that is primary. Divorce splits up a family and is very painful for the children in both the short and long term. Both parents need to civil and yet that’s almost imposable. I know that if the children were to be given to my wife it would be very hard and she would make it difficult. I have children 2 boys and one girl. My oldest son is 14 and wants to stay with me; my other son is 11 and also wants to stay with his dad. It’s not an easy process and drains you.

adam, amy, zorweb,<p>There has been little progress with the D or custody. My W's lawyer went to court last week to file paperwork for custody mediation and that's as far as it's gone.<p>I agree with zorweb and adam, I don't think a 50/50 split works. It would create problems for my daughter with making and maintaining friendships when split between to neighborhoods. Also, children need stability and a place to call home. Spending one week at mom's and the next at dad's may make her feel like a transient. It would require my W and I to live in the same area and school district, which could be a problem for me because I earn quite a bit more than my W and would like to live in a better area with better schools. The area we live in now has one of the best school districts in the state. I can afford this area, my W cannot.<p>Is my daughter better off with me? I don't know. Is she better off with my W? Again I don't know. What I do know is the best thing for our daughter is if my W and I can find a way to save our marriage and keep her family together. Anything else is a lose-lose propostion for her. Since that is an option my W won't consider at this time, I had no choice but to file for custody and let the courts decide. <p>sad dad

IMO raising younger children is the single most difficult thing about divorce...adults can and should be able to deal with all the relationship issues re divorce, is part of the deal, part of being a human being....but different matter for kids...they need to be nurtured properly.... I don't think there is one size fits all (mom vs dad, or 50/50 vs 100 re physical etc.), I think a parenting plan is a complex determination that takes into account the psychology of all the family members, the cirumstances of the parents, and the resources available (like extended family etc.)..... just for one example, (assuming both parents are of sound mind, and more or less equal in parenting skills) say one parent has a large extended family of sound/high quality people...all those aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents would provide enormous benefits to the child, and (if other parent had no such extended family) the child should spend lots of time with them (regardless of who has actual legal physical custody). Time spent with the extended family (even though that parent is present) should not be counted as part of 50/50 for example....<p>Another example sd mentioned, schooling, if one parent has the means (and desire) to live in a much better school district, that is in the child's best interest....besides 50/50 cannot possibly mean changeing schools every week can it? That is nonsensical. But ya know sd, all other things being equal, and/or acceptable if you truly believe it important for both parents to be completely involved in the childs life, you would pay the necessary support for your w to live nearby in the same school district so you could co-parent (I realize that is fraught with ramifications, including feeling comfortable your w is pulling her weight as much as reasonable). Some of these impediments to 50/50 are solvable IMO, especially if they are only financial issues. Funny how people say things in life about all kinds of stuff, but when the rubber meets the road they start hedging (not saying you sd, just an observation about humans).<p>Re the issue of 50/50 I don't believe the report. I think it is the single most important psychological benefit the child can recieve...the issue is not the 50/50 it is how the 50/50 is executed. Clearly shuffling a kid back and forth weekly is intuitively (to most of us) worrisome....perhaps the psychology of some kids would be ok, but for most, I suspect issues would arise. However, regular changes are no big deal...millions of children have been raised by the diplomatic/military/corporate community that changes schools, neighborhoods, even cultures on a regular (1-3) basis...kids do just fine, even thrive...the key being those families put in place mechanisms to provide stability in the face of the changes...and the changes enhance the childs experience of the world..even though they lose the experiences of roots and community stability.<p>The key sd is not the custody agreement, the key is you and your w...assuming you are both good parents, it is essential to your d successful growth you raise her in the spirit of 50/50 however that is crafted....if not, or either one of you cuts the other out, I would seriously challenge you love your child....you love yourself more. If one of you is not to be fully trusted in this regard the other one (who presumably is) should have sole custody, and is thereby the gate keeper...but that would include the responsibility to see that the other parent has just as much (50/50 again) parenting opportunity, do you agree? Now if one parent simply is not going to (for whatever reason, not placing judgement here) do the job full parenting requires, then they should see an equal reduction in parenting opportunities....why? Not as a punishment, but because the child needs to spend the time growing with the parent most able to nurture. The child is not a price, the spoils of marriage to be apportioned equally...this has absolutely nothing to do with what the parents want....this is solely about how best to raise this (or any) child.... Is interesting to see how people handle custody, and parenting....it becomes apparent fairly quickly which parent has the real issues.... you come across really well sd, I would vote for you, I think you would manage your D growth well, including allowing your w full partnership... how your w is handling your marital problems disturbs me.....one cannot be both a good (that doesn't mean love, means skills and committment) parent, and conduct her interpersonal life as she has....she has serious communication and emotional issues IMO, these cannot help but be visited on the child in one way or another. But you still have the legal system to contend with, and 50/50 is better than not at all.... <p>I have a lot of thoughts, and information re this sd, and I am a child of divorce as well (and thought a lot about this as a child, yep I been cogitating for a long time), so maybe we can talk sometime (if you want), and pass that on to you. But a couple random thoughts.<p>Having 2 homes (moms and dads) is not necessarily bad. As long as they have their own space, and it remains their space even when gone, and they know that (so they aren't "visiting" when they are there, even if a short time). The space could be very similar in each house (or not, depending on kids interests, they may like haveing "two" bedrooms). Also some common stuff, a set of things the child takes to each place when "in residence" and could even include a family pet. As for friends, again children are amazingly versatile, having 2 sets of friends could easily work well...and in this day of computers, email, and even video could stay in touch very well too. I also think it important the child be in regular contact with the parent they are not currently in residence with...again email, and especially video works well...I think in the computer age, the computer is going to be a significant tool in parenting when parents are no longer together. Likewise attendance at events by both parents, and involvement in school, sports etc. goes a long ways (parent teacher conferences, homework, coaching, car-pooling etc.). It is not just the physical presence that parenting is about, it is the mental/emotional/psychological interactions that count...and knowing both parents are focused on you. This can all be done, and done easily (from a logistic standpoint) if parents are committed, sadly too often they are not, or worse, try to use the kids to hurt the other (such people don't even deserve kids, and should have their rights terminated). The worse possible outcome (for the child) is to set up and unworthy parent as custodial, and reduce the other to a visitor status...hopefully your lawyer is good at making this case for you...and you have a wise judge. I think 50/50 has another benefit, absolute power corrupts absolutely, giving one parent all the power is a recipe for disaster, unless they are a very very commited parent...it tends to bring the worst out of em...ya know? Whereas 50/50 "encouragesd" poja, lest the courts get involved again, and the fear one has over that outcome. It also removes the most dangerous abuse, that of one parent moving away with the child, placing a severe strain on co-parenting. Ideally the two live in close proximity, and same school district, has the most options....but if not I think switching schools is an option, if wanted....the thing of 1 parent has school, and other parent has all the vacations etc does not work well IMO. I realize there are lots of issues re work, and careers etc. but if one truly wants to give their child maximum benefit, you will work hard at resolving these issues, that effort in itself will be an important part of the childs psychological well-being, knowing her parents have that kind of committment to her. Good luck

snl,<p>As usual, you gave me alot to think about. Obviusly there is no easy answer and many factors to weigh. Unfortunately, my W and I only have one friend between us that is divorced with childen from which we can draw on their experience. This is my W's best friend. She's been divorced for 5 years and custody is still a point of contention between her and her ex for several reasons, some selfish (on both their parts) and some practical. That's why I've wanted so badly to avoid this D. In the perfect world, both parents would work together in the best interest of the child, but often it doesn't work out that way. Even if one parent is working with the best interest of the child in mind, if the other is not, then problems arise. <p>Somtimes I wish my daughter were older and could offer some imput, but at 3-1/2 she can't. Hopefully mediation, if nothing else, will introduce us to other possible options. We'll see.<p>As I said in a recent post, I am going to propose selling the house and splitting custody 50/50 in the interim. This will give us the chance to see how this option works, albiet without school being a factor at this point. If nothing else, it will give my W and I a chance to see what it's like not to see our daughter everyday and to see the affect that has on her. It will give us some insight in the future, good or bad.<p>sad dad<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

How are you doing with your custody case . Give me an update on your situation.

adam,<p>Nothing really new to report regarding custody.
There is a mediation session set, but I'm not sure when. My W and I went around in circles about custody a few nights ago. I have a recent thread about it (Is this "fog" or what?). Check it out, it really gives some insight into my W's mindset. She seems to be in denial about what rights a father has. Maybe mediation will help. I realize custody is gender biased, but I don't believe it is to the point my W believes.<p>What really has me confused is that my W has been so adamant about wanting a D, but it took her 6 months to file. That was 5+ months ago and nothing has changed. She has not taken one step regarding the D. Her only focus is on custody, when there are so many other issues to address. Even my lawyer is confused that her lawyer hasn't filed motions for discovery (re: financial issues) or set any preliminary hearings or court dates. For now I'm just going to focus on selling the house. I really believe we need to be away from each other if for no other reason than to take a step back and take a look at the situation without the tension of living together. Please check out my other thread and feel free to comment.<p>sad dad

SD - How is your custody fight going. I hope its working out your way. I know that this whole experiance is so draining. If you sell your house make sure that you have custody first. Has she filed for D yet. Discovery normaly take a while. As for me, well its going my way. Lost lots of sleep during the last few months. But I'm better now but I still have a way to go.

adam,<p>Nothing happening with custody, just waiting for mediation. W and I agreed to sell the house, but then changed her mind. Her lawyer advised her not to sell the house if I wouldn't agree to give her interim custody. I didn't, so we're living in limbo. No action taken on her part regarding D.
If you really want to know the latest, see a recent thread to lifeismessy. Good luck to you.<p>sad dad

just checking up on you. How are you?

adam,

Check out my most recent post for the latest.

sad dad