My story is a long one, but in short, my H had an EA (no PA) with OW who is a co-worker (married & lives about 1/4 mile from me).<p>Before D-day which was a year ago, H & OW, besides working together, they used to ride together to work, work-out together, go to doctor appt's., and do other things together. I trusted my H, as you can see, and was secure enough to let him do all these things without even thinking twice about it.<p>After D-day, I told him he was to have no further contact with OW besides work. <p>There have been a few bumps in the road, but I am on the road to healing and I have been going to a counselor, but I still get angry everytime I think of how stupid I was to let H & OW do the things they did together. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get these things out of my head?? <p>Thanks,
Flaca<p>[LIST]
Married 13 years
WH is 37, Me (BS) is 35
2 D's: 10 & 8
D-day: 9/20/00
Still in recovery

I know how you feel. I helped my wife get dressed up to "go out with her friends" told her to have a good time.. all that. Don't beat yourself up for being a trusting and good wife. You know that stupid expression about hindsight being 20/20 or something like that. Perhaps you MIGHT have missed not meeting some EN's of his but trusting him was not being stupid on your part. <p>Why be humiliated? that implies you think others look down on you for being trusting. I doubt that, were you supicious and told him he couldnt go out, you would have been controling and overbearing.<p>Learn from it, but dont hate yourself for it.
How to do it? Hmm I think it will fade over time have you talked to your husband about it perhaps he can reassure you?

There is no reason for you to be humiliated. It wasn't your actions that were in the wrong.<p>(I'm going to repeat something I just posted to Chelle)
Forgiveness is an action. You do it. And then you don't let the things you have forgiven stand in your way. You don't stay angry...because, unforgiveness is anger, and prolonged anger leads to bitterness.<p>A blanket forgiveness doesn't work for everyone, for me there was so much...7 separations & a long A don't leave anyone in very good shape. So, I knew I wanted to forgive my H and made a list of everything I could think of that had hurt or still hurt...got quite angry about it....and forgave those things. So those things passed out of things I had to deal with. Then, as I was triggered, it was usually something that hadn't been on the first list, and I'd repeat the forgiveness as needed.<p>I told my counselor that sometimes I felt like things that my H did "stirred the pot". He said "empty the pot".<p>Neither you or your H can change one thing that you have already done. Let it go.

Hi, Flaca.<p>This is my first post, tho I've been lurking for a couple of months. I've been struggling with the issue of feeling humiliated, too, tho maybe not for the exact reasons as you.<p>My H's latest EA was May-June '01 (he had a 1year EA/PA in 1990 and an EA/possible PA in 1995, both with co-workers). It started the same, but this time I knew the signs to look for. We were very happy and recovered from our previous affairs. But he suddenly became distant, and withdrew from me and the kids, church, family functions, etc. I begged him to talk to me or our pastor. I asked repeatedly what was wrong or what I could do to fix it. He said "I don't know" or "it's just me". We used to meet for lunch alot, but he suddenly was always busy or had other things to do. He was meeting his "clique" of friends, including this woman. I found her cell/office/ pager #'s in his cell phone, and saw where he'd called her.<p>Considering all we'd come thru, I blew a gasket! He continued to lie about the # of times he called her, etc., until I ordered his phone log (LOTS of calls). He's broken all contact with her and never hangs around any of that group now. I still don't think he's telling me everything. He hid a secret life from me, and I'm totally unable to trust now.<p>Sorry to ramble.....back to the issue at hand. H is a cop, and all his cop friends know this woman (she's a badge bunny and is ALWAYS around). They all know I was furious and hurt. What makes me feel so humiliated is that I'm afraid everyone thinks there's something wrong with me, that I wasn't enough of a woman so he had to look elsewhere. My self esteem crashed. I feel like I need to tell everyone that it wasn't my fault - he rejected me in favor of another life for a while. <p>I'm not unattractive, and I try to be a good person. I have tried my BEST to be a good wife, to the point of being an enabler. <p>I've tried to hold my head high in public, but this has crushed me. <p>I'm sorry to take over your thread.... this site has helped me, and I just needed to tell someone how I feel. <p>Thanks.
Lori

flaca, hello.<p>The D day of my H's EA was in July 1999. I had been aware they were really attached for 2-1/2 or 3 yrs previously, but D day was when he told me he'd never loved me. Things have gone downhill since then, and I empathize with your humiliation. <p>I made excuses for avoiding his office from that day on, because OW was a former co-worker and I imagined my H's staff all knew about their EA. He treated her differently than anyone else. She used to stay late and they would talk for hours. If they worked late, he would take her out for dinner. I even invited him to bring her home with him, because I'm a really good cook. No, he said, smiling like a man in love, I want to give her a break from kids. (We have a child.) <p>I became aware of every flaw in my appearance, my failings, I magnified all my shortcomings. I compared myself with a younger, thinner, prettier and very brilliant BestFriend. <p>Having your spouse carry on an affair right in front of you, denying it is going on, and pulling away from you, is painful. <p>I also encouraged their friendship at first, trusting him absolutely. Which made me feel really STUPID to boot.<p>Finally, last month, when an invitation to a party for a member of his staff arrived in the mail, I had recovered enough self esteem that I was ready and eager to go. I hoped OW would also be there, though she has found a new job and moved up the career ladder. I had a gift for her. <p>My H told me he planned to go alone. [Hmmph!] It didn't bother him that he was snubbing his wife, and I was tired of hiding and being invisible. Plus, I was hoping the OW would be there. <p>So I called a friend and asked to leave our son with her for a few hours that night, and told H I was going too. Early, as a matter of fact, since the host had asked me to come early and help set up the place for the surprise party.<p>Everyone was glad to see me, OW didn't show up (I don't know whether she was invited, but DID hope she was) and the gift (a book entitled "Emotional Infidelity") stayed in my purse.<p>Time helped me realize that I had nothing to be ashamed of, I hadn't been the one to break my wedding vows, and that if my H was being a fool, well, people knew whatever they knew, but I was tired of pretending to not exist.