LindyL,
He is in a prison, which is for those with a substance abuse problem. But yes, it is a rehab too. He has only been in this program & going to AA for about 4 months now. He is on step 3. I just started al-anon, last week. I realize I can't control him. It's just that, things were going really good between us until last week, when all of the sudden, the attitude of the "drunken H" came back out of nowhere. I want to give him the time he needs. He never worried about me cheating, never even considered it, so this is quite a shock for him (we have been together since I was 17 & he was 19). But, if he doesn't change his attitude, I will be walking out that door, never to turn around again. I just don't know how long I should wait & I know thats a question I need to answer for myself. It's just a really difficult situation. I was starting to let go of all the anger & resentment I have had towards him for years. Now that he is blaming me & telling me I don't care & not wanting to take any responsibility for WHY I did what I did, it's bringing all that anger & resentment back. I just want him to understand the magnitude that his alcoholism & his actions have had on me. He thinks this whole disease is only about him. I lived with it for 9 years!!!!!!!!!!! Every time he went to jail, I served that time with him. When he crashed & totaled my car, I suffered & drove a unsafe piece of crap. When he was to drunk to be a husband, or a father, I (& my son) suffered. When he stopped working we all suffered. When he got drunk & made an [censored] out of himself in public, I was embarrassed. I couldn't invite my friends over, for fear of how drunk he would get. My son was 2 1/2 when my H went away, I feel I've been a single mother, since he was born. I never got any help. Im sorry, I'm going on & on & none of this matters now. Nothing can be done to change it. I just want him to acknowledge & admit to what he did to me. It upsets me so much & makes me so angry, that he can't see how much I've suffered with him & for him, yet I'm still here, I still love him. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him (if he stays sober). I gues I'm just venting but I need to get it out one waay or another & I'm really trying to keep my temper in check when I talk to him. So sorry, but I guess you guys (if you choose to ) are going to be the ones to "hear" it. Thanks!!!!

Chelle,
I am gonna throw some thoughts out, please do not take offense. Let me preface by saying I have had experience with your anger and I am not trying to make it look insignificant.
Your posts are filled with angry "his fault" comments.
Where is your anger really coming from? After all you have been putting up with his crap for years right? You werent this angry on the outside before,( although the affair shows you were probably angry on the inside).
Are you angry now because you have put up with so much in the past, and are finally standing up for yourself? or maybe you really want out but want it to be his fault? Or maybe you havent been able to deal with what you did so its easier to see his behaviour?
Please focus on the feeling of anger, then say I feel so _______ when I think of that time. I dont know, lonely, scared, childlike,stupid, whatever. Then that is really your problem, feeling victimized, helpless, lonely whatever.
I know that he has been really crappy over the years and doesnt remember it, why did you stay?
Maybe your afraid when he gets out nothing will have changed and thats what your really angry about.
You know that refusing his phone calls is a punishment, why dont you just say ok for a week I will take your calls but I dont want to talk about our issues right now.Im sure you can think of enough 3 year old antics to talk for 15 min.
Please dont be angry that I busted in on your thread, I really mean no harm.
Perhaps he is still drinking on the inside you know its not unheard of, or maybe withdrawel isgetting to him.
Do you do any recreational drugs or drink?
Take care of yourself, now that he is seperated from you, this is your time to grow! Be the best you can be, be proud of yourself.
Good Luck

sad princess,
My anger is coming from his refusal to admit he did anything wrong. I was this angry before, but it never did any good to let him know (although I did anyway) he didn't care, when he was drunk. I was starting to be able to let go of that anger, since he has started to change for the better, but like I said, now he seems to have back that same attitude he had while drinking & its pissing me off!! I really don't think he is drinking in there, I don't know for sure, but I don't think so. I stayed, because I love him & I always hoped things would change. When I finally gave up hope & went out & lived for me, thats when he decided to change. I was a good wife for years, & got nothing in return. I probably should have left him a long time ago, I don't know why I didn't, but that doesn't really matter now. No I DON'T want it to be over!! I want it more than ever now to go on, because I see that he can get better, if he tries. He finally hit bottom & thats what it takes for alcoholics. I just want my pain to be acknowledged. According to him, I'm supposed to be sorry for what I did (& I am) but when is he going to be sorry? that's where my anger is coming from. I am NOT trying to punish him by telling him not to call. I would never refuse his call. I plan on asking him not to call. (besides, do you have any idea what a collect call from a prison costs? its pretty expensive, especially when he's calling everyday, which he has been for the last month) I just think it would do us both some good to deal with our own thoughts for a while, instead of what the other is thinking. I want to get rid of this anger. I was well on my way to starting to forgive him. Maybe its wrong or selfish, but I can't be all understanding of him when he can't even try to be understanding of me. Bottom line: I'm sick of always being the bad guy. I was wrong, but so was he.

sadprincess,
By the way, no offense taken!

Have you considered limiting the calls to, say, three times a week? Then tell him you will cheerfully discuss your son, or what you did that day, or his thoughts on working his program, or what you discussed at your Al-Anon meeting, but absolutely no slings and arrows in regard to your relationship. Between your infidelity after giving up on him and his years of substance abuse, you both have a lot of ammunition for finger-pointing and blame saying. However, you CAN choose to not use it. You CAN choose to work on yourself, and advise him to do the same.<p>I realize you can't go to therapy together, but if you mailed him some of the articles from this site, would he read them? That's a start. Try a modified Plan A; if he continues to blame all on you, it certainly won't be too difficult to g to Plan B! Introduce him to constructive relationships from a rational point of view.<p>Do they work the entire 12 steps where he is incarcerated? Some inpatient rehabs only go thru step #3. <p>This is just my experience with the program, but we are all advised upon first getting sober to make no major life changes for 12-18 months --- don't change jobs, spouses, residence, etc. Why? First, the need to develop a more stable spiritual and emotional base in life, difficult to do if you're making major revisions in your life circumstances. Second, because a recovering substance abuser --- no matter what the substance (mine was expensive red wine; I'm the only drunk I know that became pickier with the years), is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for awhile. Any major decision is likely to be a mistake. He can't make any changes right now, but he is on the same roller coaster. All those feelings of (what?) inadequacy, disappointment, rage, inferiority, frustration, (whatever), were obliterated, for years, by the booze. Now he has to deal with them in an atmosphere not of his choosing which may be adding to the general humiliation of his life. My H is also a recovering alcoholic and his first 15-18 months were he11 on earth. Sobriety is an evolving process; not drinking is only the first step. Until very recently, I liked my H better when he was drinking and he's been sober (or dry) almost five years!<p>As unhappy as he may be spending time locked up, it may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. He has a chance to start over sober.<p>And you have a chance to start over, too, without the constant abuse you were taking. You know you deserve better. The infidelity was wrong; you know that. Try to deal with finding out the whys and wherefores of your behavior, then forgive yourself.

chelle,
I think the idea of 3 phone calls a week with an increase in writing is an excellent idea. Even though my H was at home I often wrote important things for him to read, that way there is no arguement and you can be focused on your thoughts.
I know you were angry all these years and you stayed cuz you love him...... BUT where is the anger coming from now? Please when you feel the anger dissect it. Write it down. Your anger is coming from something more than his past treatment of you.
Do you have any addictions?
You are both comparing wrongs, who's was worse, who hurt more.....
Im sure he was horrible, you were hurt,he was mean and uncaring, and you the martyr stayed. He will never see it this way. He cannot comprehend your pain, he can only see you cheated.
Like Dr. Phil says "do you want to be right or be happy"?
You have to find a way to stop hurting each other.
Good luck, If Im off base pitch me in the trash bin.

Hi. Thanks to all of you for your advice. I have since calmed down. I'm sorry for being so *itchy. My H called Mon. night & he was fine, I didn't tell him to stop calling. He called again last night, after receiving a letter I had mailed almost a week ago. The letter was all about what I had been feeling, after all these years of living with an alcoholic, everything it did to me & how it pushed me to the point that I felt cheating was "ok". I thought the letter was going to piss him off, & was wishing I had not sent it. But he said there was nothing wrong with it & it didn't make him mad. He didn't say a whole lot more about it, but I think he is starting to understand how I felt. Things are good again. I really overreacted before. He had a bad week & instead of letting it pass, I let it really get to me & upset me. I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen again. I also went to my 2nd alanon meeting last night, & that helped too. So anyway, like I said things are good again!!!! I feel at peace with the situation. I just have to keep thinking positively, I know we will make it thru this, it's just going to be very very hard. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]