Well yesterday I did a VERY bad thing....I sent the OW an e-mail basically saying I was freeing my mind of her and putting that energy into saving my marriage. She is my WH coworker and I know they see eachother everyday. Anyhow, I told WH about the e-mail and he wasn't upset and said it "took a burden off of him." Then he proceeded to lie, said he was going to work early but instead met up with OW to "talk" and make sure it was clear to her that things were over. She freaked out about the e-mail and thought that I was leaving WH or something like that???? Bells and whistles were going off in my head this morning so I called his work and he wasn't there, so I knew what was going on. He called me after talking with her. Anyhow, he made an emergency appt. with our MC (for individual counseling). WH says he now sees that their friendship has an emotional connection, but nothing physical has happened since dday. He says they still talk at work but that's it. He says he is so confused and he doesn't know what to do. He says nothing matters to him except for me and our son, but in the same breath he tells me he doesn't want to hurt her..."he just wants to make everyone happy." I can tell he is hurting so bad, but I don't know what to do...I want so bad to put the fences up because I want to protect myself. He is going to call me after the counseling session. I'm prepared for the worst [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . He tells me if he thought it was over for us, he wouldn't be fighting so hard....but the idea of him having cake eating sydrome is weighing heavily on my mind.<p>I'm a wreck, it's like dday all over again. I've been pushing to get my job back, but everything's tied in red tape right now, so if WH quits, then we lose income and insurance...and we have a special needs child with quite a few doctors appointments. Geez, geez, geez.....

BREATHE!!!<p>Don't jump to conclusions... don't try to figure it all right now... don't look past the next few minutes...<p>Yesterday I was reading one of the books in my 'infidelity' library and your post reminded me of the author's concept of the 'emotional red light.'<p>He tells a story of a woman who comes to his office and asks him what does it mean when the red engine light is on and is it 'bad' to have kept driving while it is on. (I can see many of you shaking your head knowingly.) Yep... bad... burnt out engine.<p>But she had panicked and didn't know what to do... keep driving? or stop? and she was in such a panic that she kept driving just to get somewhere to ask someone... <p>You can't function in panic mode. You have to stop and pay attention to your emotional red light. The biggest mistakes we make are when we keep moving and making decisions within emotion and panic.<p>So again, I say. STOP. BREATHE. THINK. RELAX.<p>Cali

thanks cali, I needed that!<p>WH called me on the way to the MC, says he doesn't understand why he wants to talk to the OW. He says that they don't talk about anything but sports and work and he honestly can't figure out why he feels "withdrawal" and wants to talk to her so bad. My theory is she is a safety net and an escape from "reality." He can bullsh*t with her about crap and not deal with "real life," you know, the wife, hyperactive 2 year old, etc. I asked him if his "urge" to associate with her has gotten worse over the past two weeks because I have been so up and down and pushy....he said "yes, why is that?" He is hurting so bad and he knows what he wants but something is pulling him in the wrong direction. How do you fight what you want when your willpower sucks so bad? This is like me with weightloss! *sigh* He's going to call me after MC session as he goes back to work...I guess I'll wait until then to panic some more. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

WeRetrying:
Has he read any books about recovering after an affair? (like SAA? Torn Asunder?)<p>Most that I have read discuss withdrawal... maybe you can talk about withdrawal with MC and come up w/ a plan to avert symptoms...<p>Hugs!!! and remember to pay attention to that emotional red light... STOP! AND BREATHE!<p>
Cali

WH called after IC with MC. She said that we both should not be making rash decisions...like WH did when he went to talk to OW without thinking of consequences or like I did when I *KNEW* that something bad was happening and hurt WH on purpose with my words. She said to clear our heads until our joint session on Tuesday. So how do you clear your head from this crap? MC said that my WH is very confused and has spent too much of his time trying to make everyone happy (I have known this to be an issue since the day I met him) and worrying about what everyone else thinks....so he gets caught in a nasty web that is worse than just being himself. WH says he knows that he wants me and our son, that it's killing him to even think of losing us. I had to be honest with him though and tell him I don't know how much more I can take. I told him that I will never give up on HIM and that I believe in HIM, but I feel like I keep giving him a piece of me and it gets gobbled up and I have to keep giving more pieces until there won't be anything left of me. He just can't figure out what "draws" him to the OW, I guess just the fact that she is there. The MC called it a fatal attraction. The MC did give WH hope by telling him niether of us would be fighting this hard for our marriage if there wasn't something there to "save."<p>I think now is the time for me to detach, but I have no idea how. I want to be there for my WH and my son, but I need to be there for me too. How do you detach without pushing WH away? He needs my support more tahn ever. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Edited to add that I have the book After the Affair...he hasn't read it yet.<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: weRtrying ]</p>