I told my wife, of and affair that she new about, that I never have sexual relations with that woman. Which was the true.
How ever I had three other affair that involve sex, and I told her that I have never sleep with another woman.
I have to do this other wise she will be devastated.
I consulted my confessor, and he agree with me and gave absolution.
I have not have any other affair for twenty years, and I dont plan too.
What is your opinion.
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Jimmie,<p>I say tell her about the other Affairs. Chances are she'll find out on her own down the line. Yes, it could be years from now, BUT .... when (notice I didn't say "IF") she finds out, she will feel betrayed for that entire time it was a secret and feel that she AND YOU were living a lie for that entire time as well.<p>Plus, I feel very strongly that she has a right to know so she too can decide if she wants to remain married.<p>There is also the STD issue. She has a right to know, and you have a moral obligation to tell her.<p>Keeping secrets in a marriage only serves to eventually deteriorate it. You think it won't affect the marriage, but it does, it affects your side of the marriage. <p>JMVHO<p>God Bless,
Jo<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jimmie, IMHO you must tell her the truth if you intend to continue in the marriage. I know that someone on another board told you to take it to your grave, but I disagree. As a BS, I deserved to know about the infidelity and decide if I was willing to continue the marriage or not. Your W deserves this and you are not doing her any favors by keeping the truth from her. It does not matter if it's in the past or if you don't plan to do it again. If your infidelity occurs within your marriage then it is totally dishonest to decieve your spouse. Our sins are not "graded", lying to her is just as bad as cheating on her. Please consider this advice and continue to read and post, there are many BS's here who have decided to continue in a marriage and they can be of help to you and your W. Prayers to you, Ladysing

We were engaged for 6 year. Just little kisses.
Faithful for 20 year.
Then she went in to a depression. I have these sexual encounters, which did not last long, and returned to her when after many request she look for help.
Nothing for other 20 years.
Have to tell her that I masturbated when she was away for as long as 2 weeks rather that have sex with another woman.
I don't think I can tell her.
The whole marriage, whatever few years we have left, will be destroyed.
We have better sex now that we have 40 year ago.<p>Jimmie

"Radical honesty" is all very well, Jimmie, but not every counselor would agree with it. More important, I think, is that cases depend on circumstances. Why should anyone tell their spouse that they had an affair?<p>A most important reason everyone is citing here is that she might find out anyway, and feel even more betrayed and angry to discover that you lied to her. But that's assuming that she will find out, or might. After twenty years, what's the probability that she ever will find out now? Is there any way she might find out at this stage? Disclosure is only one way of serving the ultimate goal, happiness, and some things we're happier never knowing at all.<p>Another reason mentioned in this thread is that a spouse might be at risk for an STD after an affair. But that's not going to happen after twenty years, so that doesn't count.<p>A third reason is that if someone has an affair, that's a probable indication that they're dissatisfied with the marriage. Dissatisfaction ought to be disclosed, otherwise it can't be dealt with and the marriage is weakened. If someone has one affair and nothing changes in the marriage, they're likely to have another one later, and then the whole business is going to come out anyway. But in your case, your dissatisfaction had a specific cause, your wife's depression. That problem was fixed. Things are very different now, twenty years later, and I presume you're both far happier. If that's true, what's the chance that you're ever going to have another affair? This reason for telling her probably doesn't apply. <p>For all I know, it's always possible too that a touch of the old midlife crisis played a part in these affairs, or even in your wife's depression. But that was all twenty years ago, and doesn't apply today.<p>Finally there's the notion that she might somehow sense that you're "holding something back," or "there's a place in your mind you have to keep hidden from her." That depends on how well you've dealt with this in your own mind. If it's an issue that's been burdening you, that could be a risk. If on the other hand you feel you've put all the affairs completely behind you, not worried about them, all but forgotten them, and effectively told yourself they never happened, or it's as if they never did, then maybe there's no problem there.<p>But an important question is why has this issue come up now, after twenty years, if it's been forgotten for all that time? Was there some recent event that triggered all this? If so, that might have some bearing on whether you want to tell your wife, or whether it would only plant needless, painful, and destructive doubts in her mind about the marriage.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Eddystone:
Another reason mentioned in this thread is that a spouse might be at risk for an STD after an affair. But that's not going to happen after twenty years, so that doesn't count.<hr></blockquote><p>I believe it could count.<p>Altho the A occurred 20 years ago, Jimmie could have very well passed a "silent" STD to his W such as HPV. You wouldn't discover HPV unless you were looking for it specifically. Altho it being a somewhat common STD, the medical community does not normally screen for it in most standard blood panels. And HPV is nothing to mess around with, it can cause other severe complications such as Cervical Cancer. Just an FYI.<p>Jo<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks for that info, Jo. I've hardly been here five minutes, and I've learned something already! HPV obviously isn't getting the publicity it deserves. That hadn't come to my attention before.<p>Once upon a time herpes used to be a big deal. Does anyone remember herpes? It's still incurable as far as I know. It's simply that AIDS has been permitted to overshadow everything else since then, presumably including HPV. That's not altogether good.<p>It's a pity HPV can't be eradicated either, so if somebody already has it I guess there's not much they can do except cross their fingers and hope nothing worse develops. Still, HPV is one more good reason to avoid promiscuity. I remember my father saying about what used to be called "VD" (a much more effective name than STD, I thought, with an appropriately dirty sound to it): "If you're continent before marriage, and continent after marriage, you'll never have to worry about VD." We'd never have to worry about children, either! But we know what he really meant... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]