I'm suffering badly at the moment due to my wife's affair. I feel helpless and ineffective at repairing our relationship while it goes on. I'm not sure that all is well within the affair, but it persists. Can those of you who have been though an affair tell me what caused the end or what caused its elongation. I would like to take some direct action to break it up but I don't know what to do or whether it is a good idea. 2 families are suffering here, what should I do?<p>I am speaking to his wife already( which annoys the hell out of him ) and their boss ( its a work-based affair ) already knows.<p>I'm trying plan A, but its a tough road and I lapse from time to time.
[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]</p>

Paul hi,
There are one of two things you can do.
1)You can expose the affair to their employer, OM's wife and try to destroy the affair. The down side is you may strengthen it. Please see my reply to your earlier post.
2) You can do what is called Plan A. Be the ideal husband for your wife, ascertain what you did to help get herself into a situation where an affair became possible and correct yourself. Make youself a safe place for your wife. In Plan A you let the affair alone don't discuss it even.<p>1) and 2) are mutually exclusive. You should research 1)with employment and family lawyers but not put it into action until you have either decided not to do plan A or done it to exhaustion. <p>Since you have kids put and keep yourself in a position where you can justify custody if it gets to divorce.<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</p>

What ended my affair was the thought of the hurt it would cause my husband if he knew. The shame, the guilt, the sneaking...I just didn't want any part of it anymore. Of course, since you already know, I'm sure you've told her how much it hurts you. Past that point, I don't see how anyone could continue an affair---other than the FOG factor.<p>I don't think I would take it to the boss===that's a pretty big lovebuster in my opinion.

Hi Paul,<p>I'm sorry you find yourself here. I know the pain you're experiencing. There's none other like it.<p>I would say what COULD prolong an A would be the BS trying to educate the WS, or the BS trying to pull the WS and OP apart. Also, things like talking bad about the OP or trying to sabotage their A in other LB type ways.<p>You see, when they (WS and OP) meet adversaries or resistence, they have a tendency to band closer together, the "us against the world" thing (Barf!). But it does happen, it's that pull/push thing. <p>You have to allow the A to die it's natural death, else you could be prolonging it by your attempts of intervening. <p>I'm sorry you're going thru this. You are in my prayers. Please try and stay strong and work on your Plan A. It's the best use of your time.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to force the issue.<p>By telling work and husband, you may have just made them both angry and pushed them closer together. That's what happened to me.<p>This calls for an EXTREME amount of patience.<p>Best bet is to Plan A - give yourself a time limit, and then Plan B.<p>Read SAA (Surviving an Affair by Harley) alot to keep yuou focused. Get a support system in place - family, friends, God. You'll need all of them right now. <p>Patience is key. Work on yourself. Print out EN and LB questionaires from this site and try to fill them out as if you were your wife and then cut out LBs and meet ENs.<p>Take care of your kids and hang in there. You basically have to wait for A to die - usually 6 mos. to 2 years after coming to light of day.<p>This will not be the most fun parts of your life, but hang in there through the process and you will come out a better person for it. K