This will be a long one. Alot to cover.
It has been 8 weeks since I discovered my W's A. It began on Internet late August-progressed to meetings sometime in Oct/Nov. Definitely is sexual. Has continued unabated-actually appears to have strengthened-since D-Day. W spends happy weekends and weekday evenings with me, wants no discussion whatsoever of our relationship or her A-talks to OM by phone and PC on weekdays while I'm at work-they see each other perhaps twice a week. OM complains constantly about wanting to see her more-spend the night with her-see her on weekends-wake up with her-etc. W just replies with "me toos" but doesn't seem to initiate this talk.<p>I want to cover a couple of MY ISSUES:<p>MOTIVES- my pure motive for Plan A'ing is that God has revealed to me thru His Word and prayer that I must stay in M and wait for restoration nad that my WW is my one heart's desire. I believe my WW's heart will be changed, and we will at some point begin 100% effort towards pleasing each other the rest of our lives.<p>Ulterior Motives I have struggled with-and might still hold on to (this is me being brutally honest here):<p>1) I want #@%&@$&% loser OM to suffer same heartbreak I suffered when my WW dumps him.
2) No one dumps me! I will restore my marriage and then be the one who decides if it is over, not my WW.
3) No way OM will take over my kids and grandkids lives.
4) WW is best lover I've ever had (out of many) and I can't consider never having her again.<p>MY HEALTH I am a healthy, (many have told me) very good looking 45 year old man. I have lost almost 20 lbs since 12/7 and my eyes are puffy and hollow from lack of sleep. I have had steady female companionship for affection, sex and love since I was 15 yrs old. My W has been my companion for 22 1/2 years (not solely during all of that time, but for most of it). We have had S regularly with gaps of no more than maybe 6 wks throughout that time. However, my WW and I have not had S for close to 6 months now. Again, being brutally honest, I am going thru serious withdrawal on this front. It has become very difficult to see my wife undress, take showers, etc. without trying to initiate S, and being rejected. I am very, very lonely and wonder how long it will be until I have female companionship again.<p>ANGER -I have been in control of my anger for most of the last 8 weeks. However, things are beginning to boil. OM sent an e-mail to my wife mocking me for spying on her e-mail and gloating that I can't spy on their new e-mail account (actually I can, and am). In reply, my WW sent him an e-mail from old account that said "Hi Mark (me), this note is for you". He wrote back that he thought that was really funny, hahaha. <p>Then yesterday morning in an IM he wrote to her iny, iwy, iwtmlty. WW said she couldn't figure out what he meant. He said he would spell out the first one "i need you". She said "oh, I get it, me too". Then OM said "we need to use code so Mark won't understand". What do they think I am, stupid? (you figure out what the other two meant).<p>I want to inflict major bodily harm on this ****bag. I want him to really suffer.<p>PLAN A- I don't know how much longer I can Plan A. I try to look beyond my WW's behavior to the woman I fell in love with. I try to accept that she is in the early peak stages of infatuation, not "LOVE", and that she will ultimately crash. So I work hard at some of Plan a - NO LB's-meeting whatever EN's I can. But I have yet to really work on me at all. I have a session scheduled with Steve Harley for 2/6 (my first), maybe that will be a breakthru.<p>PLAN B- I have read the "misapplication of Plan A" thread and it appears the general consensus is that I will end up in Plan B. I can't fathom how I will conduct a Plan B without moving out of my house. Yet everyone says "don't move out". If I leave, I suffer, my kids suffer, and I look like the bad guy. If I stay, and implement Plan B, my kids see a complete 180 in my behavior towards my wife. What will they think?<p>FAITHThis is the only thing that keeps me going right now, along with this website and you people. But I have never been good waiting on the Lord, and I also wonder if maybe I am not listening (SnL really got to me in that other post). I have to pray to not be influenced by the world and by Satan.<p>TOOLS-I gave SAA to my wife 3 wks ago. She hasn't touched it. I guess I better buy another copy for me to re-read. I also plan to go back over all my posts and snip all the encouraging words I've receivied from you folks and paste them into a little booklet to carry around.<p>MY HOPE- for the future is summed up in the following words from a poem I gave my wife on January 5th:<p>I will love you forever, than add a few million more;
You will never escape from my soul.
There is nothing but you, ******, that I want to live for,
And your happiness is my lifelong goal.<p>I&#8217;ve often told you my vision, it is not out of reach;
two soulmates, arms entwined, eyes aglow.
We walk hand in hand on a beautiful beach
Together sharing.Forever loving. Growing old.

1st of all 8 wks is such a short amount of time in this mess. I know it seems like forever to you now....<p>Talking to Steve, is good. He will help you see where you are & plan on how to get where you want to be<p>NO LB's. Spying is not an LB as long as the WS doesn't know about it. But don't read too much of the details of the sex talk between your WS & the OP, those details can come back to haunt you.<p>NO LB's.<p>Work on yourself. Plan A is about working on yourself.<p>Sounds as if you are doing a good job, keep up the good work and when you are at the end of your rope, come here and vent, or go excerise. Enjoy your family, do as many fun family things as you can. Keep busy, Don't sit around and brood.

Hey man,<p>Your thread reminds me of myself about 18 months ago. I would not wish this kind of madness on anyone (maybe ex-OM). Anyway, I totally understand what you are going through. One thing I would suggest though, is to forget about all the snooping and worrying about the next idiodic thing that is going to come out of OM's mouth. You know what is going on, your not the fool anymore, so let it be. It is out of your control, and OM will reveal himself for what he is in due time. Forget about him, he is a loser and that will be known for all to see in time. It makes you appear small and petty to your spouse if you put any energy into that crap between W and OM. You are playing his game. Take all of that wasted energy and concentrate on making yourself better through all of this. Give your W something to really come back to that is much larger than stupid childish e-mails and such. Be the bigger man and let that stuff go.<p>Just my two cents. Good luck.<p>JB

>>> OM complains constantly about wanting to see her more-spend the night with her-see her on weekends-wake up with her-etc <<<<p>Hey Boppo, you've got to know that this statement you made - it's the "big one". OM WILL START TO LB, PRESSURE and eventually help to destroy their A.<p>That's my firm belief... the philosophy of NEED comes back to haunt the A participants. By letting go a bit (not being cold or un-Plan A), and showing that you don't NEED, you get a lot of leverage. What does that mean in practical terms for me? No LB'ing - why do I need to get all upset and angry? If I don't NEED her, and it's only a preference, I may be a bit hurt, but I don't need to get all angry and LB.<p>Yup, the ingredients that went into making the A - dishonesty, thoughtlessness, selfishness, etc. - come back to destroy it.

bump for comment

Boppo... I read diddallas's thread to you and decided to respond here to you...<p>diddallas meant that your WW could not build her happiness on YOUR misery... and the facts out there support this... fewer than 15% of affairs lead to marriage... and of those that do marry there is a reported 60%-75% divorce rate depending upon the stats you use...<p>As for vindication... hey... we ALL feel that way about OP... but eventually, being the Christian you are, YOU KNOW that OM must be forgiven... FOR YOU NOT HIM...<p>I still struggle for forgiveness of Princess (the OW)... especially since I knew her on a co-worker/social level... especially since she made nice w/ me and they tried to hide their affair in plain view by having the 'families' become friendly... see... I still have a lot of 'vindication' in my heart... I'm probably still NOT regretful enough about my last voicemail to her... scared her sh**less... part of me hopes that she spends as many nights sleepless as I did... ...but part of me hopes that she lets God in her life and that she LEARNS to live a Christian life... cause that will be her only cure... and maybe as a Christian that is what I am called to do... SHOW HER HOW A CHRISTIAN WALKS...I know hard to swallow, 'cause we'd probably rather dance on their grave...<p>anyway... if at all possible... do a search on my member #'s... I post as Cali and as TryingAgain... changed my names several times as OW invade here over summer and caused some havoc... as you read the early posts you will 'hear' some of the same panic, despair, sadness, etc. that we all go through... then something happens... you learn... you grow... and the posts change... as you apply plan A... as you read... as you get stronger... <p>Boppo... this is a learning process... there is a developmental timeline that we all seem to follow... as much as I wanted to rush through it... I am learning, I can't... also can't rush my WS through it... he goes at his pace and I go at mine and I trust God will show us the way...<p>Trust and Believe Boppo...<p>Trust and Believe.<p>Cali

Cali, thanks.<p>(((((Cali))))<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>