If you don't stick to plan B, you will get hurt. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I did anyway.<p>As you may or may not know, I went to Plan B Dec. 19. I have been trying to negotiate via e-mail with my H on the D settlement issues, and only consulting an attorney. If we couldn't come to a satisfactory agreement, I was going to contest. We have finally come to an agreement.<p>Well, I had gradually started adding more and more little phrases here and there in my e-mails that are Plan A stuff, "I would rather be spending our energy reconciling than dong this", "I love you"... blah blah... he got tired of it and sent an ugly e-mail yesterday. IT HURT!!! That's what I get for breaking Plan B. Hold out an olive branch and get your hand bitten off!! He said all the same stuff he's told me as the reasons he was unhappy, and said, "yeah, the divorce costs money, but it's a small price to pay to be free of you." ouch. (anyone out there in plan B learning from this? Stick to it.. it's for YOUR protection.)<p>So anyway, I responded short and business-like and stuck to the facts. Didn't want to get into a boxing-match. Well, I did start out with, "Yep. You will soon be rid of the curse of (Faith1)." [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>TOday I got sort of an apology, I guess some of the things I just wanted to hear... basically I just wanted him to say, "I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you. But it's what I want." <p>sighhhhh.... so anyway, I just wanted to share his e-mail, and if you have any thoughts.... lemme hear them. Notice that he blames ME for his anger yesterday. He admits his selfishness. And he called me "honey", which he never has before... yuck... I think that's an OW thing. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Also, some of you may remember he battled cancer for 2 years - I was there for him - it was a very difficult time... he refers to that as well.<p>
Dear (Faith1),
My goodness -
>- I can't believe we have come to a resolution on things - this had better
>be it - :-)
>No need to go point by point through everything - I'll just hit the
>highlights -
> (. . . blah blah ...details... blah blah. . .)
>I have wanted to compromise with you from the beginning, but both of us
>have been so angry that it has made it hard. I still care about you as a
>friend very much - but because we are ending a relationship - it is best we
>keep contact the way it has been - I don't want you to be in a difficult
>situation at all. I do have a lot of guilt about everything - but please
>understand no matter how difficult it may be - that I am truly doing the best
>thing I can for my personal happiness right now. I am sorry that my last
>e-mails have been harsh - but sometimes I feel like you make me treat you
>poorly because that is the only the way that you will finally listen to me.
>Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on that tangient, but I want you to know
>that I am still (H). I am still a nice guy - and I still want the best for
>you - unfortunately, I believe in all heart - that the best for both of us
>is to move on to different relationships. It hurts so much to say that to
>you - but it's true. I don't hate you - but my love for you is now only a
>concern - and I can't get back the feelings I used to have so long ago.
>I'm sorry honey - I wish I could - I tried so hard - I don't want you to
>think that it's you - after the cancer I became a different person - my
>values changed - it's not that I value or care for you any less, but my
>priorities changed to my personal happiness - not others. I wish so much
>that we could have made it work, and part of me will always regret what we
>are doing in a spiritual and "promise" sense. But I have to - I will not
>be a sane person otherwise. I know that you think - and have thought that
>this is about a "third Party" - It's not. But it's not really about you
>being a bad person or me being a bad person - we're just not good people
>together. I will always pray for you - and my life's not as screwed as you
>probably think it is - I do miss our friendship - but it is necessary for
>us to give that up to. Divorce is a terrible awful thing - I appreciate
>you not contesting this - and if I didn't know in my full heart that things
>are not going to work - I wouldn't have asked for this. If you would have
>been hones in the beginning, instead of trying to manipulate me like
>always, we could settled on all this 4 months ago. I don't blame you - I'm
> just saying . . .<p>>Please stop trying to delay everything - they really will throw the case
>and I really can't afford that - I agree to all the dates in your e-mail -
>just respond really quick in the morning, I will get paperwork to my
>attorney - hopefully have new papers to you by Monday if my lawyer stops
>being a lawyer and gets back to me in time - if you can sign paperwork by
>Wednesday that would be great - I have no deadline other than the court and
>I really do care about helping you financially. I really can't do that
>though until this process is complete.
>
>(H)<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1,<p>I am so sorry, you are going through such a horrible time. All I can say is that my prayers and thoughts are with you.<p>Stay strong and take care of yourself.<p>Needing

Faith,
Those words could have been written by my H to me--in fact, most of them have been.<p>Pretty self-centered and sad. He is still trying to blame you for so much. Can't quite accept the responsibility for their actions.<p>There is no way to fight this...but it absolutely does have to do with sin and the "third party". Don't be confused about that.<p>I think it is time for us to let go...it is their loss. I also try to tell him we still love him and miss him as part of the family...but I get the same type of reactions. It is sad. So be it. <p>You will have a good life...and so will I. They may realize what they have lost in the future--or they may always rationalize what they have done. All I know is that you can't change their perspectives--they have to do that themselves.<p>I wish you the best--you deserve it!!! Pat

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> but my
>priorities changed to my personal happiness - not others. <hr></blockquote> <p>He kinda said it all w/ this... didn't he?<p>Big hugs from me to you... and keep this line close to you... <p>IT IS ABOUT HIM, NOT YOU... it's very sad... I still say that we humans can be a sorry lot.<p>Cali

I still care about you as a friend> YUCK!
I would responded with something like, "With friends like you who needs enemies". If he brings up the friends thing or I want to help you financially I'd say no thanks to help like that.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>after the cancer I became a different person - my values changed - it's not that I value or care for you any less, but my priorities changed to my personal happiness - not others<hr></blockquote><p>:barf:<p>What a gutless wonder. At least he admits to being a selfish pig. I wonder if the OW has heard this line yet?

Ya'll are making me feel better. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Some how this e-mail from him brings a little closure. I can't quite put my finger on it. <p>Perhaps his nastiness yesterday sealed it pretty good for me that he was truly done, so in my mind, I can quit hangin' on. <p>Perhaps his words today are really what I wanted to hear, "I know this is hard for you, but it's what I want."<p>Maybe it's that he proves here that he's stuck in blame and selfishness.<p>It could be that he reached out with an apology, and concern for me and my feelings - which hasn't happened in 9 months. I don't know if it's fog-talk or not. It seems real, but is sort-of blemished by the blame and selfishness.<p>I know I have to let go. This man is not the H that I want.<p>Thanks everyone. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith,<p>I don't mean to diss your H, but I agree with Godly Man. <p>If ANYTHING, your H, as a cancer survivor, should want to live his life RIGHT now. Surviving a life threatening illness gives you another chance to appreciate those who truly love you, the ones that have stood by you thru thick and thin. <p>Your H is so full of excuses and blame (FOG SPEAK), he seems to not be able to come up with enough of them .... <p>Fog #1: Cancer survivor so values changed (for the worse???)
Fog #2: Best thing for MY personal happiness
Fog #3: YOU make me treat you poorly
Fog #4: Can't be sane unless I break my promise to you
Fog #5: If YOU would have been honest in the beginning, we could have settled this 4 mos ago but I'm not blaming .... (YEAH, Riiiight!)<p>Faith, it's a damn good thing you have the self esteem you do and you realize that he is OUT THERE! He truly is. <p>Just stay strong, Sweetie. And ignore his drival when it's so pompous and condescending. He isn't himself.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Jo! You're right. absolutely! And you can dis him if you want.<p>BTW, Jo, don't call me "honey" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ...see above...
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> And he called me "honey", which he never has before... yuck... I think that's an OW thing. <hr></blockquote><p>grrrrrrrrrr.... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I'll have to hurt ya!!!<p>hahaha... just kiddin, or course [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... sorta [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Jo! You're right. absolutely! And you can dis him if you want.<p>BTW, Jo, don't call me "honey" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ...see above...<p>grrrrrrrrrr.... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I'll have to hurt ya!!!<p>hahaha... just kiddin, or course [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... sorta [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote><p>I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!!!<p>My x-H did the same thing .... who are these strangers we married, anyway??? I wish someone would have taken an axe and thrashed the POD that took over my old H. Aliens certainly SUCK!

I just had to add a coment or to because that e-mail could have also been written by my STBXH.<p>Not an original thought among the lot of them.<p>I guess that's why I can understand that it's an addiction.<p>So our WH's are made of the hard headed type and unfortunately need a good case of reality, God or something to put them on the right tract.<p>It sounds like maybe God was trying tpo ge thim to wake up with the bout of cancer, but sometimes people just don't get the picture.<p>In the initial stages of forming a settlement. I think my H wants the courts to decide because he can't. <p>Keep strong with Plan B - I broke down when I decided to file for divorce - sometimes I think I'd be happier if I had kept it up, but it was getting pretty ugly.<p>Sending prayers your way. K

Oh man... I started getting my fingers all ready to do some serious typing...<p>Then I saw Jo had already said what I wanted to... Geesh.<p>Stay strong, Faith. You have been such a comfort to me over the past few months, I know you will be just fine. <p>HbH

Oh my gosh.... did my exh/ws pig... write that letter... everything but the cancer....let me tell you, he could have written that!!!
Honestly.... I've heard those samethings....friends...didn't mean to hurt you...blah, blah, blah,<p>I think they get the same book or something... what the heck... I tell you, they're all stupid PIGS !!! Selfish liars, cheats and thiefs !!!<p>Who would want a friend like that??? Not me !!<p>Heres a thought... what does the OW think shes getting??? I tell you... shes getting a liar, cheat and a thief... see, she knows what a liar and manipulator he is.... what lenghts he'll go to to get what he wants....How easily he can destroy someone and their lives... ( sorry, just a vent)lol<p>Now.... how can the WS'S go right onto another relationship???? I mean, are you ready for one?... In time you will find that you will begin to discover yourself.... what you like and don't like....all that stuff.....
In the long run, you be in a much better position... emotionally and mentally.
See, you didn't leave your family for selfish reasons ! So hold your head up high!!<p>Take care.... Go and do something nice for yourself....<p>Blessings....
s

Dear, dear, LilSis, {{{Faith,}}}
I'm so sorry for the hurt this man has done to you with his words. He WILL live to regret it, believe me.<p>In the meantime, YOU need to be nice to YOURself, cause you're worth it!!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't know if you have been to this website, or read any of their stuff, but go there and read this: http://www.restoreministries.net/no_changes.shtml<p>Love & {{{{{{{Hugz}}}}}}}}<p>Lupo

Faith,<p>Yep, right out of the WS manual. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Not fair at all.<p>I can see where this email gives you some closure. It’s so self-centered and so self-absolving that there seems no way to reach this man. He is down right mean to you and blames you for everything. Funny how he could have been there the entire time but think he contributed nothing to this. And then he chastises you for not doing things his way. Geeezzzz<p>STL’s ex-wife has been using the best friend argument with him. After leaving him for her OM, she cannot understand why he does not want to be her best friend. She blames me for that I think though I met him after they were divorced (go figure). When she starts trying to cry on his shoulder he tells her “Best friends never treat each other the way you did… period.” It stops her in her tracks.<p>Yes, you have seen the purpose for Plan B. You need to protect yourself in every way you can.<p>Z

Dear Faith, <p>I am sorry for where your H has chosen to put himself and in turn hurt you. He has chosen (at least at this time) a path that is not healthy for you. All his reasons don't make sense. Maybe to some but not to this 'ol crooney'. <p>I remember when you told me how you helped him through his Cancer ordeal. What support you both had given each other to be able to meet your goals. But somehow through all this, he changed. Not for the better but for the more confused. <p>Faith, he sounds a bit like the Richard Burton story. While I am sure OW is not sucessful like (E Taylor aka ET), still the effects are the same. Only time will tell but from what I see, he may continue this way until any of the needs he listed become an issue he can't handle. Who will he turn to at that time? Not sure. But you will probably be one of the first names he recalls. <p>However, you can not live your life in waiting. He has made his decision and now you must make yours. You are a young and beautiful woman inside and out. There is too much in your life and heart still yet for you to give and recieve.<p>Faith, we can not take away all the pain you are feeling now. I know that you are a survivor of the best kind. You have my support, care and love. <p>Hugz,
L.

Hmmmm...
Okay so what happens when his cancer is no longer in remission and he finds out that OW may not have the character to stick with him through chemo and/or radiation therapy?????? THEN WHAT???????? Then will he appreciate you? Then will he regain his sanity? THEN will he feel it necessary to cut off your friendship? OR will he come crying to you begging for your friendship and prayerful support?<p>I honestly believe this is something you must anticipate down the road, Faith1. He sounds kind of puffed up right about now. As if the cancer is gone forever. It might be, and I'm not trying to be negative, but some cancers just have a way of showing up again. <p>I'm sorry you have to listen to him talk to you like this, but it just seems like he's setting himself up for a major FALL!!!! (pride...)<p>In any case, you are such a kindhearted soul, I'm sure you would do what Jesus would. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Only by then, (I pray that) you will have a man in your life who loves you the way Jesus would... Hold out for that kind of love in a man, Faith1!! You deserve it!

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and encouragement. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I agree that he is truly fogged, and I don't know if he will ever regret this one day. He is the type to hop from one thing to another, and seems to shut the door to the reality of the past... Especially if he can convince himself that it's someone else's fault. I just don't want to be a bad memory for him, ya know? I hope he remembers the good things about me.<p>Yes, I often wonder what will happen if his cancer returns. I pray that it won't happen. I'm ashamed to say there have been times that I wished it would, in meager hopes that it would bring him home. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's hard not to take his words and believe them. He has a way of making me feel like all this is my fault. I don't know why I continue to ALLOW myself to feel that way. I have to keep looking forward and know that I've done everything I could, and continue finding peace and strength within myself and from God.<p>Well, sorry for the rambling on this morning [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Just wanted to thank you all, and let you know I'm feeling great this morning!! I would love to have my H and my marriage back VERY MUCH, but I feel GREAT... LETTING GO, and ready to close this chapter and move forward!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

{{{{{{{{Faith1}}}}}}}}<p> D, You already know what I think of this...person. I can't call him a man. Anyway, since you already know, I won't say it....I did like the pig statement tho.....hehe.<p> Take care of Faith1, OK?<p> jd

Faith1,
I'm so sorry your H said all of those hurtful things to you. I will echo what others have said: Are WS's all just CLONES of one another? I've gotten all the same crap, about the friend thing, not wanting to hurt you, blah, blah, blah, BLECH! Anyway, I'm praying for you to continue being strong and building a wonderful life for yourself. <p>PEACE,<p>MOM