Well,<p>He has an appt w/apartment finders. Today. Last night he mentioned that he may need to go look at apartments this weekend. I just said OK.<p>He says he wonders if I am being so calm about this because I don't really think he will do it. I told him that yes, I thought he would go. <p>He says that he is'nt sure if he likes it better when I'm angry or patient. I said I am beyond the anger, I can't do that anymore.<p>I told him that when he leaves it will be very hard and I will be very sad, but, I will move on. <p>I told him that I want him to stay because he freely chooses to do so, not because he thinks I am angry, using our son to keep him here, or that I am pressuring him to stay. That if he stays, it has to be because he chooses, of his own free will, to do so. I told him that I don't ever want him to feel trapped.<p>All he said to that was that he goes back and forth alot in his own mind. I don't think I even commented after that. The conversation died. Which was OK by me, Leno was on. We actually managed to laugh at a couple of things together.<p>So here I sit, still scared, still waiting. Always unsure of what is going to happen next.<p>Needing

Well,<p>I just got off the phone w/H. I asked him one last time if he would talk w/Steve Harley. The answer was a resounding NO.<p>And now he is angry with me for calling him at work and bringing this up. It disrupts his work day when he has to think about us.<p>I knew better than to call, for some reason I did not stop myself. He thinks I want him to be thinking about us, I guess he is at least partially right. I apologized for calling.<p>I so dont know what to do right now. I am crying and I am scared. My husband is leaving me and there is nothing I can do about it. <p>My husband, the man I pledged to spend the rest of my life with is leaving me. I can't stand it. Why does this crap happen. When is it going to stop hurting so bad. Why is life doing this horrible, unfair, cruel and painfull thing to me. I just want it to stop. I want him to come home and say he is sorry and that he wont leave. I want him to say that he will give us more time.<p>I want him to hold me. I want him to kiss me. I want him to let me be his wife.<p>But none of that is going to happen. So, I have to wipe away my tears. I have to get back to work. I have to make our home a safe place for him for as long as he will let me.<p>I hate this life, this is not what I signed on for.<p>Needing

Needing --<p>I feel so sorry for you. Your two posts are filled with your pain and anguish. I'll send you some of my famous and patented (((((hugs))))) to help ease this hurting. <p>I wish for you all of the things you have asked for in your messages; if wishes were reality, you would have them all come true. It's a pity that what we want most in this world and in our life is one thing we can't control. All we can do is to hope and pray and trust that whatever the master plan is, it's the right thing for us. <p>Your strength for you and your son is vital and needs to be preserved at all costs. He needs it too but he probably doesn't know it. It's so hard for you to be waiting for his next move, uncertain even of what it will be or when it will happen. Impossible to know which way to turn or what to do to make the burden lighter. My friends tell me always to "one step at a time" and just get through the next ten minutes rather than worrying about surviving the next hour. <p>I'm praying for you.<p>Ammon

Thanks Ammon,<p>As my aunt would say, if wishes were fishes, we'd all drown.<p>I guess it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it. If I am going to make this a safe home for him I need to get over this self pity and make myself presentable.<p>Time to "Act as If" according to Divorce Remedy. When he comes home act as if I am truly happy to see him, which I generally am. Act as if I am not bitterly disapointed in him. Act as if I can and will survive. Hopefully, it wont be an act forever.<p>Needing