Your original question is lost in a theological quagmire over on that other thread but I wanted to give my two pennies.<p>I don't think it is possible to build happiness out of someone else's misery.

diddallas<p>Well said...<p>When I read Boppo's initial thread I wanted to respond but couldn't find the right words...<p>I think (and I assume Boppo will read this here) that there is too much vindiction in his heart...<p>I know how hard this is...I am nearly a year from d-day, so believe me, I have lived all the emotions.<p>I am just now getting to a point where I can calmly and confidently move forward FOR MYSELF...<p>But even in the heat of the A I guess it was hard for me to wish ill of my W or the OM...<p>The fact of the matter is, the OP is hardly to blame in many cases...if it wasn't them it would have been someone else.... It really is a result of the primary relationship and the problems that lie within...<p>anyway-- diddallas, your one sentence says a lot---a lot that we should all be thinking about... <p>E

dallas, interesting comment, similar to one I have said on occassion, you cannot find happiness over someone elses body.

elad...The fact of the matter is, the OP is hardly to blame in many cases...if it wasn't them it would have been someone else.... It really is a result of the primary relationship and the problems that lie within...<p>snl...I use to think that was most often true, I am not so sure anymore elad, I think there are a lot of predatory op out there, who do prey on vulnerable people....and IMO they should be treated much differently, then op who truly do care, and become friends with your s, and develops into a relationship (then I agree with your statement). Thre is also a middle category of op who are maybe not predatory, but are opportunistic, and I don't think much of them either, but they are not the problem then, like you said, would have been somebody.

Not sure what Elad meant by my "vindiction". I am not vindictive, if that is what you mean. My anger with OP is over his specific behavior towards me and his lack of respect for marriage in general (he's twice divorced-gave up kids in both marriages-cheated on both wives-pursued my wife relentlessly-still is). He is a loser IMHO.<p>Elad said- if it wasn't them (OP) it would have been someone else.... It really is a result of the primary relationship and the problems that lie within...<p>Don't necessarily disagree that there were problems-but there is NO justification for adultery-NONE.<p>didallas said:I don't think it is possible to build happiness out of someone else's misery<p>I assume you are referring to WW and OM happiness and my misery.<p>I am not wishing harm on anyone. My WW once commented that her and OM could be forgiven and their marraige could be blessed. I disagreed and posted the thread to get a sense of whether she is talking "fogese" or I am off-base.<p>I have since come to understand that my WW knows her A is wrong. She has admiited it in her notes from hew Bible study and has agreed with me when I have said it. But she has at other times written to OM that "it feels too right to be wrong" (more fogese?)

snl:<p>I agree that there are OP that do prey on the vulnerable and I did say "many" not "all." But the question remains....how does someone become "vulnerable" in the first place... I postulate that it is due to problems in the primary relationship. Neglect, poor communication, poor marital skills in general...and in those cases of vulnerability it many times does not matter who the OP is... Even Boppo in his orginal post wonders how long he can go w/o SF and affection...<p>Boppo:<p>Vindiction...yeah, maybe I made that word up [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You wrote in your original post:<p> <p>
1) I want #@%&@$&% loser OM to suffer same heartbreak I suffered when my WW dumps him.
2) No one dumps me! I will restore my marriage and then be the one who decides if it is over, not my WW.<p>I want to inflict major bodily harm on this ****bag. I want him to really suffer.<p>Whether that is something you would follow thru on is probably another matter, but yes, I consider that to be vindictive...<p>My point is that you are wasting good energy...you need to focus on what makes Boppo a Boppo your W would want to live with and be married to.<p>diddallas's: I don't think it is possible to build happiness out of someone else's misery.<p>and snl's corollary: you cannot find happiness over someone elses body.<p>are excellent points.... <p>I am not trying to justify anyone's adultery and I am not trying to place blame...<p>In the long run the points didallas and snl make will do YOU more good. Boppo can only control what Boppo does, says and thinks....<p>Look, I have been where you are and I know how much this hurts... Your W is fogged... only she can make her way out of it... You can provide a beacon, but she has to walk the path. In the meantime do stuff that will be good for YOU...no matter what happens. <p>good luck <p>E<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]</p>

Boppo... I posted to you on your thread...<p>Big hugs...<p>Trust and Believe,<p>Cali

Thanks Elad. I see where you are coming from. Note, though, that I listed those "vindictive" items under ulterior motives I have thought about, but not things I am consumed with. They are the negative thoughts that Satan and the world throw at me. My primary thoughts are to continue loving my wife and ignoring the OM. But you have reinforced that that should be my goal.<p>Thanks.

Boppo,<p>I sense your pain as well and my heart aches for you. <p>You are right about my meaning. If I had left my H to be with the OM, there would be lots of 'bodies' as snl put it, and I don't think you can find happiness while hurting other people.<p>Please keep talking to us. We are here--big, squooshy shoulders for you. Lots of hugs.