Looking for some guidance. Wife discovered my EMA last May and in the face of undeniable evidence, I admitted to it. OW was former fiance of over 20 years ago. I tried to break clean but kept calling her. Fortunately, OW lives in another state. No physical contact w/OW since D-Day. In December, OWH contacted my wife and told her of continued verbal contact. I came clean with everything 10 days ago. Understandibly, BW is very mad and is now threatening to walk. Says she no longer loves me and even hates me. I understand her anger. <p>Now, OW is in communication with my W via e-mail and has forwarded copies of my letters to her.<p>I love my wife and daughter and am trying my best to piece together a marriage that I shattered. Diong my best to start Plan A but meeting considerable resistance. LB's are flying from her end when we try to talk about it. <p>I know that 10 days is a relatively short period of time when compared to a life together but I'm trying my best to hold on to what I know is the love of my life.<p>Any suggestions on maintaining will power or effective communication when only one party is listening?

Here is what you've been doing: Last May, you took the knife with which you were stabbing her in the back during the A, turned her around and starting stabbing her right through the heart staring straight into her eyes while you're doing it. When this is done to we BSs, it is like taking our broken heart and slashing and shredding and eventually pulverizing it. It is no wonder she hates you. I wrote I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU over and over in huge letters in my journal just last night, so I totally identify.<p>I don't know if my M can survive, but I do know what will ensure that I will end the M. I will elaborate on that later because I have to get back to work right now. For now, just absorb as much as you can what I wrote above. Try to get behind your W's eyes and look at things from her perspective.

Bill,
How did you end things? was if done with finality. did it tell her to stay out of your life? <p>Perhaps you can try to come up with a "no contact" letter with your wife for the OW. Or some contract of some sort about promises you will keep that may help your wife trust again. Meanwhile you just have to keep trying to meet your wife's EN and put up with her LBing for now. <p>Go see a marriage counselor it may help restore SOME form of communication and give both of you some direction.

Thanks for the replys. <p>Conqueror, when I read your response, I felt as if my wife was speaking through you. That is exactly how she has, in her own way of putting it, felt. I sincerely hope that our marriage can be saved. I have the resolve and the courage to do anything to make it work.<p>HangingIn, yes the separation is final and my W knows it as she has spoken, at great length, to the OW and OWH. For some reason, she believes that I will scurry back into the OW's arms. I have no desire to do that at all.

billm...<p>Your wife is understandably angry and hurt... plus a myriad of other emotions.<p>You and she should read everything in the Concepts section of the website. Order Surviving An Affair, if you don't already have it. Follow it up with LoveBusters and His Needs/Her Needs. That's a good start.<p>Either find a good solutions-based marriage counselor... or get in-touch with the MB counseling center and set up a phone appointment... I have had one appointment (money issues or there would have been more) and Steve was very encouraging and helpful.<p>Read and post... there are many WSs with whom you will identify and I hope respond to you... they've walked your walk and can help you.<p>Good Luck,
Cali

I, of course, cannot speak for your W, Bill, but I can tell you how I feel. I don't know what will make me stay with my H, but I know that without these things I WILL end up divorcing him, so if it's any help to you and your W, here's my list:<p>--RESPONSIBILITY: So far, you have depended on others to FORCE you to tell your W information she was entitled to have from you from the very beginning of your secret second life. I am still waiting for my H to get real about all of that, to tell me EVERYTHING that happened, everything that my life actually was during the time I was forced to live a lie. I am waiting for him to take responsibility for what he did. I want him to own his part in the destruction of the M prior to the A and during the A, and I want him to articulate how he plans to fix what he broke, and then I want to see him walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And I definitely don't want to hear even one more word about HIS victim-hood. Also included in this is taking responsibility for recovery of the M. My H hasn't picked up one book, consulted any counselor, or pursued any method of recovery, and he even mocks anything like that IN MY PRESENCE! I'm done doing all the work. If he wants to keep his family, he'll have to do the research and work to do it. You found your way here, so you're at least on the right track with that.<p>--EMPATHY: I want to hear from HIM how disgusting, unfair, evil, horrible, awful, undeserved, heinous what he did to me was. I'm still waiting for that. It shouldn't be up to me to point that out to him. To understand just how horrible what he did to me is, HE was the BS in his previous M, as was I in mine. Prior to our M, we had HOURS and HOURS of discussions of this shared agony and had a deep understanding of what each other went through. We also agreed that that would never happen in our M because rather than do all that back-stabbing sh**, if we were inclined to be with someone else, we would simply let the other know and go be with the OP. So, he did what he did on purpose to hurt me and not only in violation of the M vows that every couple takes, but also in violation of our agreement above and beyond that about THIS VERY THING. He did this with full knowledge of the pain he was inflicting on me and did it with malice aforethought. This right here may end up being the obstacle I cannot overcome.<p>--ACCOUNTABILITY: I am also waiting for him to prove to me that he is NOT having an A. This can be done with the extraordinary precautions described in Chapter 5 of SAA. Is your W still waiting, too? As I said before, you have so far depended on others to catch and confront you. What are you doing to prove to her that that is not necessary. Let me stress this--there cannot be TOO MUCH reassurance. You have NO credibility, ZERO! Just as many of us worked diligently to discover the truth about our WS's A, WSs need to work that diligently to prove to their BS that they are NOT having an A.<p>--INSIGHT: My H still answers questions regarding insight with foolish, fogging, dodging answers that reveal that he has not accepted responsibility for what he did and has not given any thought as to how to prevent such behavior in the future. In short, he is still blowing smoke up my a$$, and I refuse to listen to it anymore. I just write all my questions and outrage and whatever in a journal. Our M will not survive until he gets real and deals with everything in that journal. I won't even share that journal with him unless and until he demonstrates he is willing to deal with everything with honesty, openness, and RESPECT for my intelligence and for his own intelligence for that matter. I'm sick and tired of the playing dumb routine. As long as he is behaving like a rebellious adolescent, I will be looking forward to spending my time with a FULL-GROWN ADULT MAN.<p>--SINCERITY: I have no idea if there is anything he can do to convince me that he truly loves me. How can you truly love someone and do this to someone ON PURPOSE? How can he possibly love me now when just a few months ago he was in love with someone else he was planning to leave me for? Right now I can't see any way for me to believe that he loves me, and I don't want to live without love for the rest of my life. But what I do know is that it has to start with the truth from the very beginning, from the moment he met me and an explanation for a love that would allow this to happen to the person you supposedly loved more than anyone else in your life. Does that mean that now OW is the person he loved more than anyone else in his life? None of it makes sense in my definition of love. I wouldn't even do this to someone I hate (him), much less to someone I truly loved, hence he cannot possibly love me and never did. If your W feels like that, I really don't know how that can be fixed. How on earth am I supposed to believe anything he says when it doesn't match his actions, i.e. if I'm "the best" sexually (something he's said from before M to the present), then why was "the best" left home alone while he f***ed less than "the best"? These types of things need to be explained to my satisfaction, and I don't know that that is possible, but there definitely needs to be deep, deep, get real, radical honesty for me to even have a chance of understanding any of it.<p>For example, on another thread, SNL said that he did not want to tell his W everything because he did not want to hurt her, but realized that when he went deeper, the REAL reason was because he didn't want to be the one responsible for her pain. He was protecting himself, not her, and he has now reached a point where he can articulate that to my satisfaction. It is those bone-deep honest revelations that might help me believe that someone is home in my H's body.<p>It is the months after D-day with the continued deception (the front-stabbing) that have done more damage to my M than the back-stabbing months of the A, and those pre-D-day months were nearly fatal. I'm afraid these post-D-day months will end up pulling the plug.