Hi everyone. I have a question. My husband announced he wanted a divorce a couple of weeks ago. We have been married 23 years, and have four boys. This attitude (and lack of reason) was so uncharacteristic, it had everyone very concerned about him. Tonight, after many, many tears for the past 2 weeks, a lot of reading on my part, and a lot of emergency Plan A - he came to me and told me he was having problems at work and would probably be demoted because is can't maintain the level that is expected of him. I know he has mentioned the pressure at work several times in the past and hinted that he could transfer to another department. I guess my question is, how do I help him and keep him from deciding on the divorce? He's acting out like a kid will if you don't pay enough attention, and when they have problems they want you to notice. Everyone who knows us is completely astounded that he would even consider divorce. I'm still rather new to this and very confused. Is he just not feeling like a man? Does anyone have any insight?<p>Thanks!

Dear P_n_T,<p>I don't quit know what to say. It sounds like he is terribly depressed. Have you noticed this for awhile?<p>Has he been unhappy, or uncommunicative? Sometimes work issues can be terribly devastating to a man..especially when they don't feel like they have any control anymore.<p>How has your relationship been. How old are your kids...so many questions. Please feel free to post us here...I am sorry for the pain you are going through..it is a shocker isn't it. Please post and tell us more about your situation.

Just some thoughts. There may not be a quick fix to this. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? Maybe you can print out the EN questionaire from this site and fill it out like you were your H if he won't do it and see if you can fill any of his ENs.<p>I know he's hurting you right now, but if you want to save your marriage you will have to be the one to give right now. Your plan A seemed to work because H opened up to you. However, he may need some admiration and support from you right now.<p>I know for men, their job = their self esteem and he may feel inadequate because of his problems in his job.<p>I'd also make sure it wasn't another woman(maybe at the job).<p>Another suggestion is to do a search on the GQII board for MLC (Mid life crisis) and depression in men. There are several websites out there that focus on both these topics - I went to the one about depression in men and it fix my H to a T.<p>Also, if you post on the EN (Emotional Needs)board, they may have suggestions relating specifically to job performance and how it relates to H's leaving. <p>Keep Plan Aing and try some of these ideas. Good Luck. K

Why does he want the divorce?

Hello PnT<p>Welcome to MB from another Texan. Ditto the other posts RE: depression and MLC. Your H probably needs to see a doctor for help.<p>Not to distress you but to make you aware, my DIL suddenly filed for D from my son with no warning and no real explanation other than she was not happy, and she moved out. One month later he found evidence that she was involved in an A.
It might help to investigate the possibility.<p>I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such and upsetting situation. Let us know how you are.<p>Take care,
Estes

You are all so very kind - and very helpful, too! As to reason, he says he just does not have feelings for me anymore. Whether it's another woman or not, there have been some really strange things going on around here, but I don't know for sure.<p>In reading through the EN's, I can definitely see where we have not been providing them to each other. As the only female in a house with five men, I constantly get thrown into the giver role, and it's made it very hard lately to be able to give anymore without any return.<p>Oh, the kids are 12, 17, 19 and 21. The oldest two are in college, with the 21 y/o paying his own way through (which is why he is welcome to live at home as long as he wants.)<p>I have been very concerned about depression, but I haven't been having much luck convincing H to go talk to someone. I do think that just talking to me helped a lot last night. We'll try a little TLC for a bit and keep up the Plan A...never hurts to try, and I am just a wee bit stubborn. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I'll go and check out the info on MLC and depression in men, etc., too, and see if I can get him some help before he self-destructs. Blessings to you all and lots of love!