I am a survivor of an A my wife had several years ago. We were married for 15+ years at that point and we always told each other if you cheat you are gone. I was devastated by a letter I found in her brief case. I starting suspecting something was going on a couple of months before I found the letter. I did nothing when I suspected something was going on. I waited up late for her to come home, I took care of the kids while she took her trips with her boss BUT I DID NOTHING! WHAT A FOOL I AM.
When I found the letter I could have died or maybe I did. I confronted her with the letter and her response was "why were you going through my briefcase" that was not the answer I expected!
Well this was at midnight and the entire night was horrible. She tried to take the letter from me and the next morning she was ready to leave. She called him to pick her up. I told him if he comes near my house I will have him arrested. Then she left, but stupid me I took our son in the car and we were begging her to come back and she did. For the next 7 - 10 days she stayed in the extra room and now I know she was going through the withdrawal of not seeing him anymore. My wife decided the next thing she was going to do was tell me the whole truth. I didn't need to know everything down to him not wearing a condom or where they had sex etc.. so I called his wife and told her everything and I shared the letter with her. What he talked about in his letter was how many times he entered her body and that he was looking forward to the trip they had planned that week. The A went on about 3 months. 1 year after the A I received a package from his wife that contained at least 10 letters from my wife stating how she loved him and how they could leave their families without hurting anyone. There also was pictures of her she had taken at glamour shots that she gave him. This brought everything back and then some. I just kept burying all of this anger and pain and never let it out. The next year was the same. The third year I moved out around D-Day for approximately 10 days but she convinced me to come back, with the help of our kids who are 16 & 21. Then she had back surgey and again all of my anger and pain was buried so I could keep the family going. Now we are at the four year mark and now that she is well, I can't hold it in anymore! I have begun therapy and I have had five sessions so far with not alot of progress. We are living seperate in the same house, which is very difficult. At this point I don't want to discuss this with my wife, I don't want to read the books, I just want to get well with my therapist. My wife can't understand how I can be just thinking of myself. She expects me discuss my therapy sessions with her, which I am not ready to do! My therapist said I should only discuss topics I want to discuss and that is not going well at all. She tells me how much she loves me and how terrible I was prior to the A. My response to her is you should have divorced me before you had the A. I was going through alot before the A. I had a new job that was constantly changing which means my traveling increased and my attention at home was less than it had been before. I was an A-Hole I know but that is no reason to have an A! I need time to heal myself and she refuses to let that happen. She tells me how she is feeling and in the state I am in now I don't care. I know she is hurting but she needs to give me my space. She left for four days but returned after she got advice from someone. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: DM59 ]</p>

Shattered,<p>I hurt for you reading your story. I, like most here, have been there. <p>I guess all I can say to you is "what do you want?", but I see that you're trying to figure that out still. <p>I'll tell you this, if you want you marriage REBUILT [a NEW marriage], this is the place to do it. I don't think you and your W can continue living in the old marriage. <p>Why are you opposed to reading any Harley relationship books? They really are a relief to read and discover you're not alone out there with how you feel and what you've been thru.<p>I'm sorry for your pain, you didn't deserve to be betrayed by your W with an A. <p>I hope you stay here and read and share with us. Vent as often as necessary, we'll be here to help.<p>God Bless,
Jo<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

It does help to here that I am not alone. I hope you are getting along better as time goes on.<p>I am trying to figure everything out. I have built up a wall around me and I don't know how to tear it down. I am fighting to get out as much as she is fighting to get in.<p>I have to rebuild myself before I can start to rebuild the marriage. I don't feel I can do both at the same time.<p>My therapist is getting me some books she feels will help me.<p>Thank You for you help and support!

It does help to here that I am not alone. I hope you are getting along better as time goes on.<p>I am trying to figure everything out. I have built up a wall around me and I don't know how to tear it down. I am fighting to get out as much as she is fighting to get in.<p>I have to rebuild myself before I can start to rebuild the marriage. I don't feel I can do both at the same time.<p>My therapist is getting me some books she feels will help me.<p>Thank You for you help and support!

<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: Kim101 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Shattered:
<strong><p>I am trying to figure everything out. I have built up a wall around me and I don't know how to tear it down. !</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Shattered,
You are a walking example of why it DOESN'T work to hold things in! Unfortunately, it never works to bury problems like this under the carpet. They just don't go away. The unresolved pain you must have suffered for the past 4 years has got to be phenomenal. <p>Thankfully, you are getting help through counseling now. And you are in the right place on this forum to get the support you need. Be assured that it DOES GET BETTER and you can learn to forgive and live in peace. Welcome to MB.

I was feeling a lot like you. My W had an A several years ago too. I feel like I was forced to see a therapist at the time. I am glad I did. I thought someone would put me in a straight jacket. I learned very quickly that I had to find out about it *all* and dive in. I&#8217;ve read some of your W&#8217;s posts and she sounds like she&#8217;s willing to go the distance. There&#8217;s a lot of WS that won&#8217;t do that. I know what those thoughts do to you. They will drive you insane. You can&#8217;t make them go away on your own if you are anything like me. The only way I started to get my life back was by diving in and learning. My W felt a lot of remorse and pain for what she had done. I had to learn why it happened. My therapist was not giving me answers quick enough and my W did leave and stay with a friend. I almost lost her again because I wouldn&#8217;t dive in. I thought it would hurt more to dig it all up. I was wrong. As I started doing the rebuild stuff, each day was feeling better. Look, I&#8217;m a guy. Who wants to do all this workbook stuff. I hate to read and I don&#8217;t like to get in touch with my feelings. My W and I had some big problems. I contributed to it and she took it over the line. Some people cannot get past it and I can see situations that they shouldn&#8217;t. I&#8217;m just saying that if you love her and you are both willing to start over then do it. It is a lot harder not doing anything. I know because I did that. From what I have read in her posts she seems to love you a lot.

Shattered and Kim101,<p>I am praying for you both. I pray God will grant you immeasurable compassion to forgive one another, and for he wisdom and courage to go forward to love and trust again.<p>God Bless both of you.<p>Lv,
Jo

I don't know if David Carder's book 'Torn Asunder' has been recommended to either of you before... I really think that you would find it useful...<p>It thoroughly discusses the recovery process for both BS and WS and has a 90-day process for rebuilding. I believe Twyla and others on recovery board have tried it.<p>Good luck and prayers to both of you.<p>Cali

Shattered,<p>You have my congratulations, my friend. You have shown yourself to be a loving husband in spite of the most horrible experience a husband or wife can have. Your explanation of why these feelings keep coming up makes perfect sense. <p>I agree with you that it is time to take care of these feelings once and for all. It is such a good idea to go to individual counseling. Unfortunately, your wife is not in the loop, therefore she is not privy to the feelings you have. This may have resulted in her being in the dark about where you are and what she can do to compensate.<p>I don't post much here anymore, but I do lurk. I have read your wife's posts and have come to the conclusion that she really wants to make things right. This means that you are way ahead of most of the BS's around here. With both of you trying together, I think that a wonderful, fulfilling marriage is just around the corner. <p>Here is my advice: click the counseling link at the top of the page and call to make an appointment with Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers. I have spoken to both of them and I believe that either of them will be able to work wonders with you and your wife. With both of you pulling together, along with Steve or Jennifer's coaching, I think you will find that your marriage will improve faster than you ever believed possible.

Shattered,
Welcome to the site! I've read a bit about your M from your W's postings. I was hoping to see you post here one day. I don't claim to know your feelings or thoughts, but I just wanted to let you know I and most eveyone else on this board can relate to the anger and grief and all the other feelings you are going through. I can understand the anger; anger at her, anger at yourself at everything. It clouds everything and tarnishes any good memories. My problems are ongoing now, but yours may as well be since they are fresh in your mind.<p>It definately helps to write things out, sometimes coming online and posting here for me is like an online journal which helps me vent. Its also better sometimes because you get feedback and encouragement also. <p>First off; You are/were not a fool. I don't think staying home and being a good spouse, while trusting her makes you a fool. Any more than me telling my wife to go out with her friends and have fun makes me one. The fact of the matter is that was yes our wives made a series of mistakes and misused our trust then.<p>You wrote about finding out the "whole truth" about things. Ugh that must have been painful. Did you ask to know? I think a lot of betrayed spouses (BS') do "want" to know. I don't know if it puts our hearts and heads at rest of it makes it harder to forgive/forget. I know for one, reading the letters between the other man (OM) and my wife were totally destructive to my heart, mind and soul. How could she right?why? how long? everything races through your head then and echos sometimes brought up by little things sometimes nothing at all. It HURTS. I am amazed you wrote you just bottled it up. You are a stronger man than me I suppose, my anger raged a while before I could get a handle on things. Though I think that helped me. I guess that might be what you are going through now that you have the time and opportunity to let it out.<p>You mentioned your therapist. Can I ask what type of therapist you are going to? Despite the fact that I NEVER thought I would end up with one, I am seeing a psychologist. Part of the reason being is that part of my anger was focused on myself for "letting" things happen.. needless to say it wasnt good. It does sometimes take a bit of trying before finding a therapist, psychologist or counselor that suits your "style" or needs. Do you feel comfortable with him/her? Don't be discouraged about the amount of progress. I don't think that anything related to what we as betrayed spouses are going through has a "quick fix" <p>Regarding talking about your therapy with your wife. I hope I dont get Kim mad by saying If you don't feel comfortable with that I dont think you should yet, it doesnt mean you cant or wont in the future. I've been trying to convince Kim to being patient, because I can relate to what you are going through. <p>I think her mentioning how you were before the A is defensive when the topic of the A comes up. I can imagine how you feel if that topic comes up. It must make you feel that she is trying to justify her A. I don't think she is though, from her crying out here on the MB site, I can tell she really is sorry and repentant for her actions. Its horrible because I think emotions are clouding both of your judgements now. You have the anger and she has the sorrow and guilt. Its hard for both of you to try to say or do the right thing. I hope you can both use this board to release some of the emotions.<p>One thing however. I don't know if it is the best thing for both of you to be replying to each other's posts. I've seen another couple do that, what it does is instead of making this a place for release and encouragement, it makes it another place or level to argue with an "audience". I suppose it can help, but it can also be really bad. Try your best to not use what each other post on here against each other. <p>You both have come through so much and have so much in that long of a marriage I am so jealous of. I hope my wife turns to see the wrongess of her A like yours has, though I know that doesnt instantly make everything ok. Healing and getting past everything starts with the decision to work on it but it takes a long time. <p>Please continue to post Shattered.. it is good for us to know others share our grief, and I think its good for you to let some of it out especially after so long.<p>
-HI<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Shattered,
You've recieved so much good advice...esp from Hangin In..right on the money.<p>While I am a BS also, the point I'm going to address is the ability to "hold things in" while trying to keep your life on track. It almost makes you feel like it's the right or "strong" thing to do, doesn't it...after all, somebody's got to keep food on the table, bills paid ect. Unfortunately, if we don't get some things resolved...whatever we've kept deep inside surfaces and bites us right in the butt. I've battled depression on and off for years for just this reason.<p>Why we do it? Oh, who knows...maybe it is a fear of being "weak", losing someone's love or respect, not measuring up...I'm sure there are a million reasons...the important thing is recognizing that this is one of our coping mechanisms that, while it keeps life going, decreases the quality of our life. Good old Dr Phil addresses a lot of this in his book "Self Matters". And excellent guide to understanding why we do what we do and maybe one of the best I've found for any kind of personal healing..not just from an A.<p>I personally agree with individual healing before working on the relationship...unfortunately, this pristine idea isn't very realistic...we can't just make a bubble to protect us while we get to some of the roots of our problems...so it becomes more of a simultaneous process.<p>The wall around you has gotten pretty high over the last few years. I know mine was as wide as it was high....and breaking it down is such a slow process. At first I figured it was all because of him...I could list every shortcoming, every betrayal, every teeny little irritating fault that man ever had...and reassure myself that the wall was necessary to protect myself. All that did was add more mortar to the fortress.<p>But, when I started looking at myself...taking responsibility for my mistakes, figuring out why I react the way I do...those walls came tumbling down. Now I'm not saying I don't still have a little cement and bricks on the side just in case...but now I am more attuned to the things that make me retreat back into the shell. Your IC will be so helpful with this. As far as sharing this with Kim, I can see your need to wait...I couldn't share a lot of it with my SO until just recently...and we've been at this since last April. But some of it is just downright confusing and scary...you need to understand it yourself before you share it with another. And you need to feel safe in order to do that. That safe feeling will partly be due to her actions..and partly to your growing self awareness and confidence. Don't rush it.<p>I think Cali mentioned the 90 day plan that we used...I don't know if you'll feel ready for this yet...I didn't propose it to my SO until I felt I could be pretty honest about my hidden feelings (individual and relationship wise). I will say that following the MB principles of no LB'ing got us to a place that we could be "safe" enough with each other to try. By that I mean that basically neither of us was going to get blamed, divebombed or have our feelings used as weapons against each other. I don't know how much love it helped to rebuild..but it certainly built respect.<p>I have been talking to your wife on the recovery board...I think she does want a marriage with you that both of you can enjoy and be happy with...but this old one has got to go. <p>OK, enough rambling...I'm usually on the Recovery Board, but pop in here to see a few friends. Hang in there,
T

Shattered,<p>You have gotten good advice - I can't add much more other than to tell you that I know how you feel. I too suspected for a long time - I finally caught my wife having cyber sex on a chat line - the pain and devistation was hard to describe in words.<p>I didn't hold it in for the last year (D Day was in Dec 01) I railed against it, had huge and ugly fights with my wife, said things I never thought I could say to anyone let alone to my life partner.<p>About two months ago I began to read on the MB site - I made a determination then of two things - I wanted my marriage to survive and I wanted to do whatever it took to make that happen and be happy again. MB has been a huge help to me - I have read your wife's posts, and I want to tell you that I am working towards and hoping for the day thet my wife feels and thinks like yours does now.<p>I found that reading the book Surviving an Affair was very helpful - but in the long run I just got sick and tired of living in pain - If you are living in pain and what you are currently doing isn't helping - try something else - no matter how strange or hard it may be. Let it out, then let it go.<p>Mike

Hello, Shattered -<p>Your name says it all - we were shattered. Everything within us - all our beliefs - was shattered to smithereens - by a very, very poor choice from our WS's. I was empty - there was nothing left - and I've had to work on rebuidling myself front the inside out. Not everything fit back in, either - I am altered - but some of it is for the better. I think this is just how it is for we BS.<p>There is so much help out there - people, this board, many books & tapes from experts - and we HAVE to open our minds and hearts to this help. <p>Even though your wife's A was 4 yrs ago - it doesn't sound like you have dealt with it. It sounds like you have tried to bury it. Ah - but something of this magnitude will NOT stay buried - it just keeps bubbling up in a painful cauldren.<p>Really & truly - you HAVE to deal with it. You HAVE to face it head on - the truth is painful - but the truth sets us free. Not just the truth about the events of of A - but deeper truths. Really understanding and accepting where our marriages were before our WS reached some kind of a pit in their own life - a pit that was dark, lonely and frightening - and a pit they would not or could not share with us - and a pit they had to do whatever it took personally to try to get out of. An A isn't necessarily about us (BS) - but it is about them (WS).<p>There is SO much help out there. Much of it is very similar - but different people have different approaches that impact us differently. Read or listen to tapes by the Harleys, Janis Spring (After the Affair), Dave Carder (Torn Asunder), Gary Chapman (Five Love Languages) - they ALL say the same things!!<p>There are REASONS for A's - there is no justifcation though, an A is NEVER, NEVER right. We need to be reminded - as painful as it is - that none of us is perfect. <p>You have to decide if: (1) you love your wife, (2) you want your life with her and your family and (3) if you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the BOTH of you geniunely happy - not just a patch job.<p>It is a long haul - we've been at it for over 2 1/2 yrs. Unfortunately, it sounds like even though this was 4 yrs ago - you, personally, have not been dealing with it - thus, prolonging the agony.<p>When people have A's - they really are "temporarily insane". They are NOT the people we knew and loved - the ARE aliens. Sadly, they are NOT the people they believe they are - they are strangers to themselves. Read about and understand the power or force of an A. It doesn't make it right - and it never will - but it does help you to understand how and why they could think so little of you to lie and deceive - they were controlled by the "Force of the Affair" and could only thing about themselves. An A is a very, very selfish act.<p>Shattered, I have to echo the others - I have read your wife's posts. Unless I am being fooled, I believe her to be geniune in her remorse, geniune in her empathy for your pain, geniune in an awareness of knowing how her foolish and selfish actions destroyed so many components of you. You have all the necessary ingredienets from your FWS that is necessary in healing your marriage - but there are and will be things you have to give and concede. You are very fortunate in that.<p>Yes, our self-esteem was ruined by a selfish action - but we aren't alone. Just like anything else in life - we have to work at it. And, we both (H & W) have to work very, very hard in sharing our souls with each other - as this is where love & trust are germinated.<p>Two of my favorite thoughts:<p> Pain is inevitable, suffering is an option.<p> It only takes seconds to open profound wounds in those we love, but many, many years to heal them.<p>My wonderful FWH is still just devastated that HIS selfish actions could have done so much destruction to me and our family - he simply did not see or understand at the time what he was REALLY doing - he was justifying it.<p>I hope and pray you choose to REALLY heal yourself - face all the pain that needs to be face and get it behind you. You and your wife have been together a long time - there ARE wonderful feelings and memories. There's just a space in there we'd rather not remember.<p>Stay on this board if it helps you. I know it was a lifeline for me during my desperate and totally confused time - the times I could barely breath because the pain was so intense. It is good for us to open our minds and hearts to all kinds of possibilities and opinions/thoughts - it is so helpful to have help seeing things from a different side.<p>I love my H of 25 years - he is my life. We have gone through a very bad and painful time - for both of us. We both are dealing with clutter from this - and it really is the same (but different): pain, shame, guilt, self-esteem, fear, sadness, etc. But, thank God - we are going through it together - which is better than anyone else - because we REALLY understand what the other is feeling.<p>I think you have taken a very, very big step coming on to this board. It will now help open up your thought processes - help you to purge (vent) painful things - and help you to see you are not alone in this. There are people that care - and people who have very, very insightful view.<p>Shattered & Kim - please learn how to communicate your souls to each other. It's amazing - as we learn the truth about who our spouse REALLY is - and they are just as human with fears just like us - there is so much more to love about them.<p>Best wishes,
Sudz