H moved out for a week in Nov then came back. Plan B letter Jan 1. He travels a great deal so no one really knows he's not here. I was away so he stayed with the kids. He is leaving tomorrow for another extended trip. Said he has a room. Refuses to take his things.
Said he would make a decision about situation soon (whatever that means) has been thinking about it for 18 months since d-day.
Should I let people he works with know he's out of the house? Would this do any good. Am trying to follow plan B. Conversation has been about kids.
Tried to get an appt with Steve but it feel through. At this point making another one is not possible.
To tell or not to tell?

I'd do a search on this topic on this subject because it has been a hot topic for all.<p>As teh BS you want people to know so that WS has some consequences.<p>However, this usually backfires in some way - teh WS finds out and gets even more angry.<p>At this point, if you are in Plan B that should be enough and you don't want to ruin Plan B by making WH want to stay away. The point of Plan B is to preserve the good work you did in Plan A, and any LBing will ruin that and make it harder for WH to come home.<p>Tell your support system and just make sure you're not telling out of malice or spite. K

My house had a big agrument about this very topic last night. Let me set the background. <p>H has had several employers each has equipped him with cell phones. Each time, H has used those work cell phones to communicate with the OW. H feels this is none of his employers business and I did not interfere until.............<p>1. H's 1st employer called the house several times looking for H after H moved out and H did nto want to tell his boss. H was having issues due to the A which was affecting his work and his boss also called to see what was wrong and how could he help, since the boss actually liked H as an ee. <p>During 1 of those conversations (soon after d/d), I broke down and cried to the boss, he asked why and I said. Then I told him that H no longer lived here. <p>2. 2nd employer - H could not make it to work because he spend a couple of nights in jail due to domestic abuse charges. I was instructed by H to let his boss know that he could not fulfill some appointments (no reason given) as a result the boss called for his cell phone to be returned. Upon returning the cell phone, I did inform the boss that a non family member does call this # often and felt he needed to be aware. I gave the boss OW's name and phone # so he would not be surprised. You see, when OW calls she has been very demanding about speaking to H and jumps to all sorts of conclusions (several experiences on this). I was worried this would happen, so I briefly told the boss and he said he understood and offered his condolences. I explained, my reason was not to hurt but since I understand the business environment, I as a manager would want to know ahead of time. He agreed and said he would not allow anyone else to handle the phone as a result. There were customer calls coming in on H's phone so while it needed to be kept open, the boss did not want anyone else to be taken by surprise. <p>Now my H is still angry I did this. I am not sorry I did it. I knew the consquences and wish I did not have to do it but since I did, well I did know it could come back on me. The difference is that under the same circumstances due to my intentions, I would do the same again. This is where our discussion took us last night. I will tell you that even 5 months later, this still came back to haunt me and may again. However, I am resolved in this and seems like my H understands this also. But it is taking a while. <p>To be honest, I thought our 'discussion' last night would have him walking out the door permanently. It did not. In fact, after sleeping on the floor in front of the wall heater (poutingly - LOL!!! ), he actually came to bed and he apologized this morning! I am not jumping up and down (tooo old for that LOL!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . But it is progress of sorts. <p>I am using this time to put my ENs on the table. <p>So telling can have good and bad results, you need to think this out carefully. <p>JMHO,
L.

K,
Thanks. My same thoughts some of the time, when I'm not angry, trying to get back at him. I have decided to let go and let God - it is very hard.
I recently read where someone asked why God let Colombine happen, Gods reply, I am not allowed in schools.
My H does not allow God in his life. He feels he is beyond a belief and H can do all. I'll just have to wait for God's time.
He keeps dropping by as he forget something and then gets son upset when he leaves. Told son he may stop by tomorrow before he heads out again.
How do I let him know that this is a family home and when you are out of the family you are out. It was stated clearly and lovingly in plan B letter. How do I do it without LB'ing.

You set your boundaries, put it in writing and give it to him. You can do this via e-mail, mail the letter, deliver the letter in preson or deliver it via a 3rd party.<p>I told my H that once he moved out he was not a resident here so his in and out privileges were as is he was a guest. Being allowed in was an option of the 'residents' of the home. Just like he would not allow us to his place. Hm.....all is fair. For a while he got mad and tried to force his way in. He came over once and tried to enter the house via the kitchen back door. I had already changed the locks so I said, if he did that again I would call the police. He stopped and started knocking when he came. <p>H needed to learn respect for the home. He needed to learn respect for the residents of the home. He needed to learn that it was a privilege to live in the home and all needed to respect each other. If he did not respect the occupants of house, then he needed to leave. He was not allowed to roam the house unoccupied. Hm......he understood this because my MIL used to try to do that when she visited. I lovingly told her that was not allowed in our home. She complied. Now that rule applied to the WS living outside the home. For us I believe that this was one of the things the WS saw as a benefit he lost by having the A. OW would allow him to wander anywhere on her and her home. I would not. <p>It was hard to do and hurt my heart but I had to, to preserve my santity. <p>L.

L,
E-mail usually works the best for me. I think I'll hold off for one day as he's out of the country for 10 days after that. I'm sitting tight again.
Every time I ask/tell my son to do something he breaks down and cries and says it's all his fault.
The kids know husband doesn't want to be married to me, we've grown apart. (I haven't told them he thinks we've grown apart because there is someone in the middle)
Son knows/ tells me it is not his fault but feels badly. Does not want to talk to anyone about this. He is such a great kid that it tears my heart apart to see what this is doing to him. I told him to discuss this with H.
Son says he can't talk about it. H is not a big talker and avoids discussions.
I'm trying to figure out what if anything will be the turning point when he sees the light (I do still have hope) Waiting for A to die could take some more time. D-day 7/00. Talks an e-mails daily but since she lives in another country he doesn't see her all that much. However he is out of the country 2 1/2 to 3 weeks a month so who knows where he really is. Have called the hotel number he gave me on several occasions over the past few years and he was not registered. I was too stupid to think that they couldn't find him. Where else could he be at 4AM. Told me he had gotten up early. Boy, was I dumb. What you don't want to believe.
Anyway, will work on an appropriate plan b, loving but firm, the home is for the fsmily only note.
Thanks.