I am not ready for plan B. There was hate & anger, but that is gone long ago. I've been doing a fair job plan A H has notice the changes in me. We TALK - WH wears wedding band says there is still a love for me. We celebrate a work goal with a bottle of wine the last night before he move out. It was a nice night & slept togethr. Fog lifted for a while. Morning came & he was finishing packing a few things - he forgot a few things I think because he went back to thinking of OW & was rather cruel, he even apoligized & for the first time ever said to me about his actions being cruel. Hw has said many times about being sorry for the pain I was experiencing, but never because of his cruelness.
Wh sent me an e-mail at work asking how I was doing & later called after S-15 & I got home from BBG late. Just to check on me.<p> WH moving makes sense money wise, but not if working on M. WH talked about recommitment, but can't write letter. I decided to put my rings back on also, because if I want to be married I need to act married. WH also knows I am praying for him & us and he agreed to pray for us also.
I thought that was a good sign. <p> I am reading the "Power of a Praying Wife" and WH even read part of what it said in WH trials. WH knows my boundries about - no contact & that I can't carry his burdens any longer. I asked for WH to be honest about reason to move - WH says he wants to be 100% sure about recommiting & right now he doesn't think he can do that. So now we are separated. I have to keep reminding myself "That I can do all things through Christ who strengths me, & I have asked him to say that to. Part of his attraction of OW was she was so much a Christian & I didn't go to church often enough, - WH actually thought I was atheist just because I didn't go to church with him often enough. Unfortunately being super mom that was house cleaning day, plus work catch up day & my only down time was 2 hours that I took for my time and sanity. <p> My fault is that I didn't do & show WH my love enough for him. I self imposed my own limitations on myself. I have asked if he minded me doing this or that & he has never turn his back on me & told me not to show WH that type of affection or to not say those words. <p>It seems that we should not be wearing our wedding rings if we are seperating, but I do see at times a reality check. I have forgiven WH because two years ago I easily could have been where he is know, but I just didn't have the temptation available.<p>I have sent short e-mail notes this last week while he has been moving out & he is replying. I have been thinking about continuing that along with sending a card to his new PO Box. If he tells me it is to much I will taper back. <p>You know 25 years ago we did not write the love letters that I wanted to write. There was an uncertainity if this was real love. That thought probably carried over into my actions. <p>Anyway back to my topic, WH was making me angry 2 years ago & we didn't know why and we responded with the anger for reations. Now we don't respond like we are suppose to, instead of being angry, we try to see where it is coming from & give comfort and love. This is hard on both of us, WH even says this is the closest we have ever been & even was happy when I put my rings back on. Yet he is leaving - makes no sense.<p>I want to send the love letters & cards that we didn't send each other when we were young. But yet we are separated, do you think this is right. It almost seems laughable being separated & yet sending WH love letters. WH has a new PO Box & I though it would be a nice suprise. Part of WH EN is to feel that I desire him, do you think this is not the right thing to do. I don't want to push WH away with seeming to be cliny.<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: Exploding ]</p>
