Hi again,
I was posting more often about a year ago, my wife had an EA (probably not only, but that is what she admited). She decided to stay with me, but continued to stay in contact with him. My trials to stomp my foot brought us close to the brink of divorce so I gave up. Now she is very loving, though still in touch with him. She shows me how she loves me and I do believe now it is sincere, and the other guys is just a friend. But now I am burned out and not knowing if I love her.<p>The problem is, when all things were bad I turned my attention to friend at work. I never admited my feelings to her, nor did she. But I am getting really obssesed/in love with her. I don't want to hurt her, nor tobreak my marriage but ..... it is so hard no to see her, not to smile, not to chat friendly, not to fantasize ....<p>I donl;t feel I owe anything to my wife, I am doing much les than she did .... mainly I am hesitating not tu hurt her (the friend) .. and because I am shy and not sure of her feelings. I am afraid if I tell her what I feel I will loose her friendship that is so dear to me. She is the one who helped me go through all this emotionally. I am not sure I can stop seeing her and thinking about her ....
I know I am in troubles ......<p>right now I see in my MS mesanger she is on line and have to use all my strenght not to start chating ....

I'm a former WS, so I know exactly how you feel as far as knowing rationally that it's not the right thing to do but emotionally wanting to do it so badly. You feel like you've never felt before...your feelings for this new person make you question whether you've ever been in love before at all. Eventually even the sense of right and wrong fades and it becomes a desperate effort to simply be happy.<p>You say that you don't owe your wife anything...but while you're still her husband, you owe it to her not to do this. While you're still married, you owe it to yourself not to do this, because you'll be labeled a "cheater" for the rest of your life and that's a stain that never washes clean. You owe it to the other woman not to do this, because everyone deserves to be with someone who can belong to them conpletely. You should take a trip over to gloryb and see how it feels to be the other woman...it HURTS...do you want to hurt this woman?<p>An emotional affair is still an affair, isn't it? The answer is yes, it is. If you really want to be with this other woman, then she deserves not to be a rebound...she deserves not to have this extra baggage. Your current relationship deserves that you make every effort to heal it...if you already have, your wife deserves to know if you aren't in love with her and deserves to have the freedom of choice to move on should she choose to. You've BEEN there...you know how devastating being lied to and betrayed can be, don't you? Why would you ever want to inflict this onto another human being? Trust me, it's not an easy thing to live with when you've hurt someone so badly.<p>If you're going to do it, you're going to do it...but when I had my affair, I had to only to run away from my problems...it was an "escape", as it were. All I ended up doing by having the affair was hurting everyone involved (including myself). If I could go back I would never do it, because all it did was bring our relationship problems to the fore, something that could have been done with a lot less suffering.<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

I am confused, you know the drill yada yada yada...so file for divorce, then go pursue the ow (assuming she is single, otherwise no, until she is divorced or something). Why aren't you filing for divorce?

I agree with "Towards..." Your actions will come back to haunt you 1000x. You will carry it like a tremendous weight around your neck for the rest of your life. An EA is not an innocent, okay, thing to do. It draws you in and gives you such a high, that you can't seem to be capable of letting go of it. You DO loose sight of the love in the M. A PA could easily be right around the corner if the opportunity strikes. <p>All of the good parts in the WS are represented to the OP and vice versa. You are dressed to go out (work or otherwise) and you are on your best behavior with one another. All the bad parts that are left over, are brought home every night. So home doesn't appear to look so good anymore.<p>Please reconsider what you are doing. It has been 4 years since my A and I have done an unbelieveable amount of damage to my H and MYSELF. I am disgusted about what I did. I also think of all the other victims - my kids, my parents, the OM's family, my previous place of employment, etc. etc. The ramifications of your actions explode and many casualties feel the powerful blow.<p>Just a piece of advice from someone who's been there.

Toward and Kim, thanks you a LOT for your letters it is all I knew but .... it helps to realize it is for real.
And now the UPDATE
Just after I send it, (as I mentioned I've seen her online and fighted the temtation to start a cha she started a chat , telling me that she has just SEPARATED (she used to live with someone, but was not very happy).
I told her at one point that "I have never told her about what I feel to her, but I guess she realizes", but , thanks to you added immediately "I don't know why I am saying it, things are better between me and my wife now". I am so full of mixed emotions. But Iguess we will stay friends and nothing more.

tomek1963,
I am a male-WS( if that makes a difference) and I can only say "ditto" tp the other repies here and I know you "hear" them and realize what is at stake. The depth of you and your wife's marriage will determine the outcome of your future together. You MUST determine that before you drag the OP into a deeper relationship! Your wife ,the OW and you deserve the right to be happy and that won't be possible as things are.
My prayers are with you friend. As the others have said " This will follow you the rest of your life". BELIEVE IT!
BRW
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