http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html<p>Please give yourself a big hug from me! Everything is going to be okay. If your MIL really loves her son, she will be tough on him so he can clean up his act. In the meantime, I'm praying for you and for your marriage. Take good care of yourself and maybe pamper yourself this weekend. You deserve some TLC from thee to thee!

Another update..What a roller coater, he came home this morning...Went right to sleep.<p>Says he came home to take me to the Doctors for the abortion, said didnt want me to be alone for it. What an a**hol*. <p>Its true this isnt a good time to be having a baby, and I havnt made my desicion if I wl or not, but ultimately it is my desicion to have an abortion or not. <p>Basically I feel that him coming back was to tie up loose ends. And to hell with me.

Hi STBSA,
Glad you're here today, we were so-o-o worried about you!!!
I am not trying to pass judgement and I know what it's like to be pregnant when circumstances are less than conducive. My 5yo is so precious. She makes me laugh nearly everyday. I was an only child also, and your baby and his/her brother? can possibly help each other through this mess later in life. If you are too stressed, I don't know what to say, but I believe God brought this baby for a reason...to help you. In the height of my anxiety and depression, God brought me my little girl (my second one) and she was so cuddly, unlike the first who wanted mega attention and loved to play with anything but her own toys and never wanted to cuddle. She was God's message that I am a loving mother and that I am loved. It was after she was born that I decided to seek help for my mental probs. Please reconsider the options before you. You don't know what God has planned and He will help you through all of this. If you don't believe me...We have been poor since the day we were married, and have a lot of debt for our income and three kids. Sometimes we can't afford to buy clothes, or money runs out and we still need milk, diapers, or gas. We make it...someone sends money for birthdays or the IRS check is in the mail. Your H will have child support to pay, and alimony, if you're not working. And there are all kinds of helps out there. You must decide what is right for you and your baby. Children grow up all the time without the other parent and even though it isn't ideal, they grow up normal. Even people with both parents have problems. It's hard. And it's your choice. But is it one you'll regret for the rest of your life? Definitely don't do this now only because he wants you to. It will let him off the hook of one more child support payment. What do you say?

This is ONLY MY OPINION so....<p>I would not abort your baby. You are not currently a rational person (I know because I am a BS and I am not rational right now). DON'T make life altering decisions while you are in this state.<p>I don't say this because I am pro-life/pro-choice. I say this because, just like your marriage, you are in no state to be making final decisions. If nothing else, you can give the baby up for adoption if you no longer want it in the future.<p>Seek counseling as soon as possible. I had thoughts of suicide, of my life being over and not worth living. I am now on anti-depresants and they have helped a lot.<p>Your feeling of betrayal and hurt is so bad right now that you likely can think of nothing else and nothing in your life holds joy. I have been there.<p>From what I read, you are likely too weak to do an effective plan a. I know that feeling as well. I could only do it for a few weeks. Find a friend you can live with during this time if you can't bring yourself to plan a (that is if he remains at home). I often wonder just how effective plan a is for many people. It seems most people eventually have to go to plan b anyway. I digress.<p>If you are anything like me, you really need someone to talk to and to confort you. Seeing my counselor once a week is just not enough for me. Currently, I talk to my mother-in-law every day and it helps a lot. She gives me encouragement and helps me sort through my ever changing feelings. Try to find a friend or family member that will talk to you without bias and that will just be there for you. I think you really need it during these trying times.<p>If possible, go to joint counseling. If not, certainly get yourself into such. We can't do this on our own.

I respect all of your opinions, and appreciate them greatly. I am not a religous person, was raised a Catholic, but I dont belive. I consider myself athiest. <p>Anyway, I know that you all care about me, and this site and your comments have been a great source of strength for me. <p>Maybe was over reating to my feelings. But when H lft last night it was a wake up call for me. Its like a light went on. I was so scared to be a single parent (my son is very demanding!!) but then I realized Ive kinda been doing this on my own for awhile now anyway. He has been physically here, but not emotionaly.<p>I feel I can do this on my own now.<p>PS...if I dont respond right away, dont worry about me. Like I sd my son is 14 mths old and is into everything!! I need to keep and eye on him!! Im sure a lot of you know what I mean.

I understand the "into everything", completely. I have 3 and my youngest is turning 1 in two days. In fact, I need to go soon. But, I see your resolve is coming back and I'm very glad for that. Hang in there and let us know how things are. I know it may be tough right now, but do try to do things like when you were dating, if he stays for a little longer. I think I would give an ultimatum that said, if he wants to have sex with you, then you need radical honesty and he must stop seeing the other woman. I am a very suspicious person and would make him call her right there. (Don't know if that's right or wrong.) Then, you would initiate and do as much of what you can to please him. And the next night, and the next night. Don't ask if he wants it...just be really affectionate, meaning grope him. If he doesn't want it, then you'll know. This is assuming that you have come to terms in your discussions and want to work it out. If you don't want the marriage then I guess proceed in the way that seems fit. But if you do, then read about plan A and do it. Use the questionnaires and put the plan into action. See if you can get him to do the same thing. I know you don't believe, but I intend to pray because that's all I can do for you, and I want to do everything I can to help.

Thank for the advise.<p>In retrospect, I have been Plan A ing for a while now and not even knowing what Plan A was (i just found this site this week) I first learned about his chat conversations and the lies they entailed was in July. Like I stated previously I have been trying to keep the M together since. <p>However, since the lies continued (and still to this minute are) its time for Plan B, or possibly even C if Plan C is for him to go and end it completly with no chance of reconsiliation (sp?)<p>Its driving him crazy that I am going on the chat line myself and learning alot about who he has met and when. Im even speaking with the women he has done this to. He has told no one the truth, seems like he has a split personality, one here at home with me, and another in this other life.<p>Anyway, I am finished trying to help him resolve these feelings of guilt. I am finished trying to help him in anyway whatsoever. I am no longer his doormat. I have been trying for months and got nowhere so its time for him to seek professional guidance. If this makes him a better person or not remains to be seen. I hope it does bcuz I wouldnt want another woman to have gone thru what I did.<p>The only person I am trying to help now is me. Yes I need certainly need my "head read" and will make arrangements to do so. Maybe this wl help me to understand where I went wrong in the M and will prevent me from doing it again in the next relationship (whoa am I getting ahead of myself here!!!) <p>Ill keep you posted.

Update. <p>H is still here. Been more or less just lying on the couch since he has come home. He is very depressed. He has been drinking more than usual (but so far none today) Says it will never get better, he doesnt know if he will go to the counselling appt on Monday. Regardless of him, Im still going!! <p>We havent really spoken too much of anything since he came home yesterday. Both of us are just staring off into space. If I start talking it just upsets him and he wants to run away so whats the point? <p>Maybe he is right, and its not going to get any better. I am leaving that desicion up to him. If he wants to try, then I will too. If not, then I am also prepared for that. I just wish he would make up his mind bcuz I am a very impatient person! <p>Let me know your thoughts.

Another update......Boy do I love this site, great place to put my feelings down in black and white!!<p>Today has been pretty mellow, no crying on either one of us parts. I'm just trying to "go with the flow." I dont want to do anything to upset him bcuz I know he is at a fragile point right now. <p>We went out for dinner with our son. Barely spoke to one another (this really isnt anything new) except for speaking about our son. <p>He is so so so unhappy, he doesnt see any light at the end of the tunnel, keeps saying things will never get better. My opinion is that if he is going to continue being such a downer with no attempt to pull himself up, then he's right, things will never get better. He knows where I stand, I have told him that I will except nothing but the truth from him from this point onward. I will remain true to myself in that regard.<p>I believe I have learned much of the truth on my own by speaking to others on his chat line. However I take much of this information with a grain of salt as most of these losers feel its just a game. The whole chat line thing just sickens me. The people on there are mostly in their late teens, early twenties with little life experience and problems other than what rave they are going to attend next. I can't believe that my Husband, an intelligent man, could get so enthrawled in such a juvenile thing.<p>But I digress. I tried to start a conversation in the car ride to the restaurant, but it immediately turned to a conversation about our troubles. Which is getting us nowhere, I decided and told him that I will not bring up anything again till we attend our counselling on Monday. This will be very difficult for me as again, I'm the talker. Holding things in makes me want to burst!!<p>I hope that with our MC he will feel the need to "open up" I have never been to anything like this before, but from what I understand, its almost a "parental" feeling that you feel obliged to be open and honest. Is this true??

WEnt to MC last night...first time<p>What a waste of time. I thought this would be a huge step for us, and I guess I put too much hope into the session.<p>All he asked us about is our childhood!! What the (*)( does that have anything to do with the fact that my H continually lies to me???!!!<p>The session was only 50 mins and I really wanted to move on to the subject at hand, but the MC said this is the preliminary stuff he starts with!! I want answers to our problems, not stupid questions like did you grow up here, do you have any brothers and sisters, what do they do for a living etc etc.<p>I guess I just put too much hope into this and walked out of there thinking that nothing was accomplished in anyway whatsoever.<p>Thanks for letting me vent again. <p>PS--some good news!! My husband has suprised me with a weekend away in CANCUN!!! We really need the change of scenary. Not taking the baby, just a romantic weekend in the sun. What a relief to get away from the cold (We live in Toronto, is -25 degrees celius here, thats freaking cold!!!)

Try to find a solution-based therapist right away. Try calling the counseling center here at this website or at www.divorcebusting.com and see if they can refer you to a solution-based therapist in your area. If not, then you are better off having phone counseling from the Harleys or Michele Weiner-Davis. Also, Michele's latest book, The Divorce Remedy, has a section devoted to internet infidelity that you may find helpful.<p>IMO, therapists who are not solution-based and not pro-marriage will do your M more harm than good. Starting with your childhood and family of origin stuff is typical old-school therapy that may have benefit for specific individual therapy, but it's pretty much useless for a M in crisis, and may actually be harmful to the M, as many of us have learned through experience.

I'm in no situation to give advice but I can tell you that you can take antidepressants when you are pregnant. I know I am on one and I am pregnant. Ask your doctor.

My H and I tried the MC, I also found out they tried to dig up old things from childhood and blamed our problems on how we were raised. That was the thing, the MC said we are having problems because WE were raised different. Ok wait a minute?? I didnt lie, I didn't cheat, I didn't sneak around, any person who is human knows that it is wrong to decieve and lie and have an affair right??? well maybe some don't. What I got out of MC is that I was part of the problem???? They didn't say that directly but I got the feeling of they tried to put some blame on me, asking me all these questions while my lieing, cheating H is just sitting there. It made me feel smaller than I already felt. So I understand where you are coming from. You mentioned something about a trip?? to get away???
Good luck

Thanks for the advise yet again everyone. And for the anti-depressants, I'm on them. Dont notice much difference.<p>Please dont hate me, but I'm no longer pregnant. I made the desicion to terminate the pregnancy. I know I made the right desicion for me and my future. Now was not the time for us to be having another child. I really hope this doesnt cast me in a poor light on this forum. As I feel very comfortable here, almost like I really know some of you. <p>Please feel free to blast me if you will. I can take it.

I'm pro-choice, so I won't do any blasting to you on your decision. I do hope that you got a proper counselling session beforehand.<p>I had been to the Morgentaler clinic in Toronto when I was pregnant with my first son. H and I weren't yet married, and were already having troubles, and he asked me to get an abortion. Stupid me, thinking that my life was him, made an appointment. What happened was a 3 hour counselling session where the counsellor saw that I didn't really want to terminate the pregnancy. So I didn't. And certainly glad for that.<p>I hope for your peace of mind that you are truly okay with this decision, and that it was YOUR decision, NOT your H's.<p>Take care,
Karen

Just wanted to say, in this world, we are sometimes forced to make decisions that are not perfect. No one wants to have an abortion. On the other hand, to go through a pregnancy with a husband who does not support you emotionally, who lies and cheats- I know I would have made the same decision in your shoes. I am glad you had the choice. There are so many sad stories on this site, of women who are VERY pregnant, about to give birth while filing for divorce and their husband's are living with the OW. I think it is just terrible terrible pain to go through that situation.
It's easier to face being a single mom of 1, not 2. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does your burden will be a little lighter. Try to work on making yourself strong. I think it's good that you're standing up for yourself.
Where is he chatting from? Do you know about these programs that can record everything he types in on the computer?
Good luck in Cancun. It's nice that he arranged the weekend. Hope you gets lots of sun and a nice tan.