I've posted my tail of woe - WS in A with colleague wants to leave me. I'm devastated, my sons will suffer etc. and the replies advise me to accept the inevitability of the situation and stay strong. Fine, the advice is good but how do I get by now. I don't feel strong - I just get upset whenever I think about it and if I can't help myself, how can I help my boys? I'm trying to ignore the infidelity when she's out with him but it's very hard. I don't want to break down when we tell the boys, but I would if we did it now. Please can you tell me strategies that work to build strength and self-esteem. I don't want to be a permanent victim - the reality is bad enough without compounding it with self-pity. I'm at a low ebb and need to rise above this.

You do need to stay strong, but your strength will come from several places.<p>1. support system - counselor, anitdepressants, family, friends, renewed relationship woth God<p>2. being educated about what is happening - read this site, HN/HN, SAA<p>3. ther eis a post with a link to some books to read - I'll try to move it to the top of the page. Some inspirational books may help.<p>4. Also, don't assume that the marriage is over and that the situation is permenant. You can Plan A and be doing something proactive on your part to save the marriage and at the same time better yourself. <p>5. know it's ok to get angry and be sad. This is a horrible thing that is happening. When you get down - use #1.<p>Time will be your ally, but don't waste it. Plan A, get educated, just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. K

Hi,<p>One thing to keep in mind... this is something Steve Harley told me during a session a while ago... a well executed Plan A may in fact make you feel like a doormat and an enabler. Not so good, you'd think. But think of it this way... Plan A and Plan B go together, hand-in-hand. If by not LB'ing during Plan A, your WW might actually "wake up" to the fact that you're being a really, really patient person who doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. On the other hand, if she doesn't, she only has your patience and kindness to remember you by as you go into Plan B. That's the goal.<p>And a related goal is that your feelings for her will change over time. The more you don't react to her - the more you feel used - the more you feel like an enabler - the more you'll lose your love for her. Which is an important lead into Plan B also. You want to start Plan B while you still have SOME love left - usually 6 months of Plan A is recommended, although debates do rage here! By not being "very in-love" with her at the start of Plan B, the whole transition to complete separation is easier, and if Plan B doesn't work, the whole transition to divorce would be much easier than it is for 90% of the population!!<p>BTW, definitely read "Surviving an Affair"!<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>