My wife is struggling with her A, and is wanting to do the right thing. She wants to be with me and him, and is very torn between us. We have been married 3 yrs, her A started on Nov. 3, 2001. She told me today that she wants it to work, and that we may need to move to get away from the OM. She told me she still had feelings for me, but they were buried under all these feelings for him. We spent the day together, she held my hand, kissed me, etc. At the end of the day, she got real depressed, and wanted to call him. I tried to get her not to do it, to yhang in there and not call him, but she did. she told him she didn't want to see him anymore. After that she broke down, and just sobbed for what must've been 15 minutes. She is so depressed, as she feels she loves him, but she wants to be with me as well, she is upstairs crying now, and I am trying to comfort her the best I can. I know this is going to be hard on her, but what can I do at this point? I am afraid this may be too much for her to handle, and that she may choose neither of us, and run. I am so worried about her now.<p>Jive

Please read the material on this web site. Especially the book Surviving an Affair. It will give you a very good foundation as to how to help your wife withdraw from OM and to recover our marriage.

confused,
NOw is the time for you to just be there for her.
Hold her as she cries and let her know that you understand her pain. This will be a grieving process for her if she has the courage to follow her convictions, but it will be very hard. Let her know you love her for having the courage to do this. just put little notes around for her that tell her how special she is to you. nothing too mushy, but just thoughtful.<p>It will take her weeks to get thru this and maybe even months. But each hour she goes without contacting the OM, the better she will get. I know I have been there. And altho, it has been 9 months for me, I still have thoughts of the OM that go thru my head and sometimes the pain is very sharp, but I remind myself that I chose the best. I chose a man who loves me unconditionally no matter what problems we are dealing with now, we are working on them together.<p>But during the first few weeks to month, she will be very moody and cry easily. YOu have to just hold her. no words are necessary, just your warms arms around her.
God bless and good luck,
Debbie

confused,<p>I agree with the above...I am the WS and it was hard letting go but every day it got easier and easier. Now I hardly ever think of the OM...and he called this last weekend. I just let the phone ring and did not return the call. Just erased the number from the caller id.<p>Hang in there.

Here are some excerpts from a Q&A with Steve Harley that might help:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
...Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love. <p>Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be
used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they
start to fade. <p>It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so
painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again...
<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
...Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better. <p>It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care...<hr></blockquote><p>And here is a link to the full Q&A article on surviving infidelity (ending the affair):<p>How Should Affairs End<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

This is tough because if she really, really loves him then she will not so easily forget. I lost a fiancee this way. She was in school and I lived/worked in a city about an hour and a half away. She found a confidante in one of her classes and yeah, you guessed it, their love trumped the three year relationship we had and our engagement. I became the big hassle. The guy she wished would just leave her alone. And I thought we were so happy...<p>They eventually got married and are living happily ever after. I ended up having the greatest ten years of my life and marrying a gorgeous woman who loves me like no other.<p>Love. Humph. Its a ***** sometimes!<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: EazyE ]</p>

Please print out the stuff here about withdrawel and give it to her. It reassured my WS that it was normal to feel like crap and it would go away and that I was aware and it was ok for him to feel loss.
Also get the book Torn Assunder by Carder it gives a rough timeline of how long WS will feel bad.
Hope this helps.
Be a comfort to her even though you are the wounded one.

Well, the no contact didn't last very long. they have talked since Sunday, and I believe she stayed at his house last nite. I have told her that if she wanted the divorce, she would have to file it, as I am not giving up on her now. I will be here untill the very end, or as long as I can take the ups and downs. I'm wondering if she will ever have the courage to end it once and for all.

Move, move, move. I am working on 8 months of recovery and we still get drug back because of contact. Just seeing his car or driving by his house. If you want to get the best out of the future work you are attempting to do, you need to move and get her and yourself into a support group. Good luck and you are in my prayers.
Jim

I am sorry you are going through this, it gets better... it is getting better for me.. but we have 2 big weeks of no contact... wonder what will happen with a setback? hugs, HONEY

Well, she had stated that she'd like to move. But the only places were we could get decent jobs are at least 3-4hrs. away. I also have all of my family within 30 minutes of us now, plus I have a grandfather/grandmother that are getting old and I fear will not be around long. <p>I had planned on the extreme ups and downs, but it is still very hard to take. She just cannot end it with him. I feel kinda like she is having her cake and eating it too. We are in counseling, but lately I have had to beg and plead for her to go. He told me last week, he could see some pretty deep emotional/mental problems in her. And whenever had had her look inside herself to see them, she got a bit angry, so he was going to back off a bit.

I am really worried about my 2 yr. old, as she has taken him to the OM's house, and has even taken him out of state with the OM. This weekend, my wife's mother is out of town, and she usually keeps out son. I am worried that my wife will end up taking him to the OM's house again, and I don't feel our son should be exposed to that untill this is over. Is this justified?

Is it justified? Absolutely!<p>You are still married. You can set some boundaries. The wife of the OM (I have a WW) would not let him take the baby out of the house and if she caught my WW with him and the baby, should would file for sole custody. She has no right to expose your children to that.

I don't think it's right, and I can't believe she would think it was ok. I guess the fog is thicker around here than usual.

I didn't have any helpful input until I read about the baby. You have an option, you need to get more opinions from the great people here, as i am a little confused at times too, this may be a huge Love Buster. Get a Order of no Contact/Harrassment. All it does (in the state of Wash. you need to check yours) Prohibit harassment and contact of any kind. Keeping person a specified distance from home, work, etc. It is for persons seriously alarmed, ANNOYED, or hareassed by conduct which serves no legitimate or lawful purpose...you file it against OP not your spouse, and you file it for you and your daughter. That is my plan if H decides to stay in the fog and leave. AGAIN PLEASE GET OTHER OPINIONS. I am an idiot sometimes! All my prayers! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

re depressed spouse. <p>Tell her she's a wonderful, strong, moral human being for doing the right thing. <p>She may not want to be held but she's likely to want company. Ask which. <p>re antidepressants- best taken right before bedtime- many cause slight fuzzy headedness and help against insomnia, and that effect can be a nuisance in functioning during the day but pleasant when trying to settle down. This was advice of my best friend. Anti depressant effects don't kick in right away, patience required.
As in any mourning process, break must be complete.
Cheer her on, she's great!!
Later you can work together to find other ways to fulfil emotional needs. Was there a talent she admired her OM for? perhaps she could develop that in herself.