Hello,<p> I'm new to this site and looking for answers.
First of all, some background. I am having an affair with a married woman (I'm single). The affair has been going on for nearly three years. She has been married for 14 years and she has told me this is her second affair. The other was several years ago (with a married man who was a co-worker) when, because her husband accepted a new job and had to relocate immediately, she was left behind in their former city of residence. Anyway, that affair ended after 7 months when she was able to relocate to their current residence. She was a co-worker of mine (she currently works for her husband's company) and for the first two years we were just friends. I have since learned that she was attracted to me for quite a while before our affair began. What has happened to me since has been heaven at times, hell at others.
She was quite confident that she was unable to get pregnant. She told me she and her husband had tried to have children, and she was "less than careful" when she and the man with whom she had the previous affair (who was already the father of three children) had sex. Through all that, nothing ever happened. Because of that, she and I were less than careful. A little more than a year ago, she became pregnant. That brought a temporary end to our sexual relationship. She said that she realized that of the three people involved (her husband, the unborn child, and I) that her husband was the one she could least afford to lose. The pregnancy was terminated. We ceased our sexual relationship for about 2 months, but since then have seen each other regularly (being much more careful).
She tells me she loves me, and has said that she's sure that if anything ever happened to her husband, she'd wind up with me.
The bottom line is that I love her. I'm not proud I'm in love with a married woman. I'm not proud I want her marriage to end.
The one friend I've confided in, says that I should "cut her off," i.e. stop having sex with her and force her make a decision between her husband and I. She has indicated to me that she will not leave him. His first marriage ended when his wife left him for another man she worked with. She says she loves her husband, that he's been wonderful, and that he doesn't deserve to have to go through another divorce.
I realize how wrong the relationship is, yet my time with her (whether it be talking, shopping, watching TV, or sex) gives me the only joy I know in life. That's very hard to give up.
Does anyone have any answers?

Dear CYH,<p>You can find some answers here, on GQII and D/D boards on detaching from relationships that we must or are forced to end.<p>I think all of your answers reside in your own post though. You know it's wrong, it does not feel right to you and you're probably at the point where the hell times are more than the heaven times?<p>Your MW has made it clear where you stand in her life. Waiting for something to happen to her husband is simply retarded thinking or just something really stupid to say if it appeases you!<p>What do you want in a relationship? What do you deserve? When you really think out those questions, and it seems like you are, you come to others for help. I think you know this "joy" you sometimes feel is not worth the pain that goes right along with it.<p>CYH, this web site is about saving marriages, but you are welcome here, as I said above, the reality is some of us must detach and give up someone we love just like you. I know for myself I have tried to understand what it's like to be an OP. In the end I guess it's about facing one nasty reality.<p>Lastly, and ONLY my opinion. I am not a Pro-Life
zealot so this does not come from there, but ...
It is very sad that this mess involves an abortion. How horrible to have that between you. Abortion is not a method of birth control, if she won't be responsible about her body, PLEASE, you be. Your relationship is hurting many, many people, why the hell does that have to include unborn babies. That is SO SAD.<p>I wish you the best in finding your way out of this.<p>IS

I do not want to say much, because I think what you are doing is wrong.. I suggest you work hard on doing what is right, and that is not being involved with a married woman - there are plenty of single women out there for you to be involved with... I am sorry you feel you are in love with her.<p>Hugs, honey

hi canyouhelp ~<p>You might want to consider pursuing some counseling. You might want to think about why you need to stay in a relationship that is only half a relationship, and can never be more.<p>You deserve more than that. This woman is clearly telling you that she won't give you anything more. There are a lot of single women out there just looking for a nice single man who would gladly give you that full relationship. Is there something you are afraid of? (I know right now as you read this, you are shaking your head and saying I don't get it, but I do. I used to be head over heels in love with a man - my husband - who wouldn't/couldn't reciprocate. I had to examine these issues for myself.)<p>I am sure you love her very deeply. But love is simply an emotion - a very powerful one - but in the end - an emotion. You can't do anything about your feelings, they just ARE. But you can choose to let your feelings rule you by reacting, or you can take charge of your life by acting and making decisions that take those emotions into consideration, without letting those emotions rule you.<p>I hope you stay and read. You'll be learning alot about your situation, and what your MOW's husband must be going through. You'll also learn alot about being married yourself, which will make you a better marriage partner one day in the future.<p>Good luck.

OK guys/gals,<p>Posting this early on. Let's not run this one off the board by imposing our standards on him. He seems sincere and is searching for what is RIGHT FOR HIM. Make all the points you want but in the end it's his decision. <p>
who<p>BTW, I wasn't saying those that have already posted have done that. I just hope it doesn't escalate to the levels we've seen before.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: whothehellisshe ]</p>

Get yourself some help.<p>You deserve better than where you are now.<p>Ask yourself these questions:<p>1. As this is the 2nd A for this woman, would you ever trust her if she was your W?<p>2. How do you really feel about the fact that she got rid of what might have been your baby?<p>3. Is this the person you would really like to spend the rest of your life with and have as the mother of your children?<p>You have some hard decsions to make, no one but you can make them. Good luck. If you break off with his MW, you will get all the support you could want from here.

canyouhelp,<p>I am sorry for the pain you are in. You sound like a decent, sincere man who is caught in a situation that is not giving you what you need. Do seek counseling so that you can move beyond this and find a woman who can give you all. That is what you deserve.

canyouhelp this is an instance where you must help yourself. I believe you need to take a long hard look at the facts and see that you deserve much better than what you are getting from her. Just my opinion but she sounds like a truly manipulative person who wants everything with no full commitment to anything. I agree that you should seek counseling and find a way to remove this type of person from your life. Think about this - would you really want to be with someone who thinks everything in life is disposable? Search within yourself and you'll find the answers you need. Good luck

cyh
I have so much respect for you for coming here and seeking help. Your name says a lot. Yes, we will try to help. And it seems, by your name and your post, that you are open to our help. Read as much as you can here.<p>I have some thoughts for you, taken almost verbatim from a friend of mine who was in a similar situation. THis is what he learned, and I'll re-word it as if he's talking to you: Well... you have realized that you are the OM, even though you might not want
to see it that way sometimes, and that you need to let go of your grip on her and let her find
her own answers. You could go it alone and wait and see if the bond you
think is there is as strong as you hope it is, and realize that the tighter you hold
on, the more you will hurt her and you, in the end. That no matter how much
you want something, sometimes the only thing to do is let go of it and see
how and where it lands.<p>Be totally honest with yourself about everything, and realize that the burden you are
carrying is eating you up inside...the truth really does set us free...<p>cyh, All us BS's really want from our WS's is honesty, and time and effort to work on the marriage without the OP involved. We understand that the OP and the WS find this very difficult to understand, but if you truly care for her, you will allow the oppurtunity to give her marriage 100% effort.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Suppose when you were not at home someone came in, used your home, and acted as if it were theirs. They watched your home and when you were gone, went in and used it-running away when you approached so as to not get caught. Now you go to this person and say, I've used your home for quite a long time. I've enjoyed sleeping there, watching television, using the phone, and socializing. I know I haven't contributed to the upkeep of the home, my name is not on the deed, and have no rights there, but I now want it to be mine. Give it to me.<p>Now, what do you think the owner will say? He worked hard to establish his home. What if this was done to you? How happy would you be living in this home that you took unfairly? Would you feel safe there? Would you be in fear that the same will be done to you?<p>You seem as if you are a very sensitive and caring person. You deserve so much better. You deserve something that is yours and not taken from another. Words cannot describe the hurt that all will suffer if you continue in this relationship. Please take the sound advise of your friend and end this today. You'll never regret it.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but do you have any idea of what it feels like to be betrayed? As though you are being eviscerated by invisible razor blades from your core out, and nothing you can do will stop the pain. Is this what you wish for the MW's H? What did he do to deserve this treatment? There is another human being in this equation, a human being, not just a cipher who is taking up a place that you want.<p>Please find a competent therapist with whom you can forge a bond of trust. Examine your ability to commit to a relationship. It says something that the love of your life is totally unavailable and, barring any unforeseen accident involving her H, will remain so.<p>Nothing personal here, but I wonder about being convinced that one is totally "in love" with someone that they can't live with openly, 24/7, with dignity and respect --- for themselves and one another. It's a struggle; many marriages don't survive it. But there's nothing like a real marriage, with real commitment, to forge real love. Even living with teenagers can't destroy it! (at least I hope so). Anything else is fantasyland.<p>Believe me. You do deserve better than the leftovers from someone else's marriage. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.<p>I hope you find peace.

amhurt-<p>so are you saying that married people own each other, and that by falling in love with a married person, you are stealing something that the other spouse owns?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Shannon1:
<strong>so are you saying that married people own each other, </strong><hr></blockquote>
"OWN"??????????????????<p>Talk about putting words in someone's mouth......<p> verrrrry insanitary, BTW <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>and that by falling in love with a married person, you are stealing something that the other spouse owns?</strong><hr></blockquote>
"you are stealing..........." WHAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU (or to the MP). They "pledged" their heart to their spouse on their wedding day.....it doesn't totally belong to them anymore. Sooooo,
in a word, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are stealing.

CYH,<p> Humph! No sweet talk from me man. If you continue in this relationship with a married woman you deserve what you get. She has made it plain who she is unwilling to give up. She aborted, what was likely your child, to prove it to you. You should step out of this relationship ASAP.<p> There are many here doing their best to be nice to you. Sorry! Won't get that from me. Yes, you sound like a decent fellow. But, the fact is that you went into a relationship with a married woman with your eyes wide open. You knew what you were doing, and you know now and you continue.<p> I will get flamed in a major way for this, but this is who I am. <p> Right now you are a scumbag! You are every married persons nightmare. You are a preditor, preying on someone elses marriage. Intentionally helping destroy something you have no business being a part of. A lowlife on the scale of humanity. <p> It is your decision whether you remain in this position. <p> In the end ask yourself how you will feel if a scumbag lowlife were to waltz into your marriage and have a longterm affair with your wife?<p> Hell, why don't you tell her husband and give him a fighting chance? Not likely you would do that.<p> Step out of this man. You are better than that.<p> jd

I am sorry you are hurting. I do have one question....if she has cheated twice before, why wouldn't she cheat on you? My Husband was also convinved he was in love with my former best friend. They had an affair and lied about it for years. It has almost destroyed me. The interesting thing is...she cheated on husband #1 less than a year after the marriage started with husband #2 and was only with him 6 mos when she was with my husband (by the way, I was her maid of honor). I hope you are able to find support and help. I don't think relationships that start as affairs have much of a chance of success. Good luck.

cyh,
You've gotten a variety of answers, and lot to think about. You still around?

Shannon<p> No I'm not saying people own each other. It's just a word picture...an analogy. What this man would be taking would be ow's husband's life he has established. This man has no right to interfer with this family, just as a theif has no right to come into my home and destroy. <p>Let's say the wife in the scenario left the door unlocked, would the theif have a right to take whatever he wanted? That's what she did by letting someone else into their marriage relationship. I've found that ow often use that as an excuse for their behavior. "Well, if the marriage was so good to begin with, he wouldn't have had an affair." I think theives say the same thing, "If your home had been secured better I would not have taken from you. It's your fault."<p> People who destroy marriages and families do the same thing that theives do...only it's much, much worse. They come in and destroy where they have no rights. I often wonder if theives spent as much time planning to rob as they would working at a job, would they not be better off? The same for people who have affairs. It's work to keep from getting caught. Would the time and effort not be more rewarding in spending that much effort in repairing the marriage relationship or for the ow would that time spent in finding a decent relationship with a single person? <p>How much could anyone enjoy and appreciate anything taken that was not theirs to take...
No wonder the success rate for a relationship such as this is 4%.

Wow, canyouhelp's post really opened my eyes to the blessings I enjoy. I have watched in my own marriage how the OM (yes, JDmac, he is a ****bag)
constantly whines and complains in e-mails to my WW about not seeing her on weekends, missing her, wishing they could be together forever, waiting, etc. etc. <p>And even though the OM enjoys SF with my WW and I don't, and she tells him she loves him madly, and they spend a few hours a week together, it wasn't unitl I read cyh's post that I realized what I have that OM doesn't. I have an intact family, my 2 DD's loving the Lord and praying daily for their parents, a wife that does love me, and takes care of basic needs for me like meals and clean clothes and a clean house, and takes care of my children, and nurtures them and loves them. I have my wife next to me every night in bed, to talk to, to hold, to wake up with in the morning. To spend weekends with, and take to church, and fellowship openly with others.
To walk down the boardwalk and not have to worry who might see us, to go to school functions and talk with other parents.<p>I'm not sneaking around, grabbing some passionate stolen moments, than living in hell the rest of the time. I'm not "loving" someone while knowing the relationship is "wrong". I'm loving my wife with my whole heart, knowing I am in God's will.<p>Every time I envy the OM for the pieces of my wife he has stolen (yes, Shannon1 , stolen) I will remember the rest of my wife, and my life, that he will never steal, and thank God for that.

Hi everyone,<p>Yes, I'm still here and still just as confused. I appreciate all the comments, both good and bad. Long before I was called a "scumbag" on this site, I considered myself that. Because of my profession (which I shall not specify, but trust me, it's not immoral), I've had to get very used to criticism. <p>A question that many here have asked is would I trust her if we ever could be together in the way I wish. I have to believe that people can change. If nothing else, I BETTER believe people can change, because God knows I have to.

CYH - I have to believe that people can change. If nothing else, I BETTER believe people can change, because God knows I have to.<p>J.R. - Yes you do, my friend. Maybe an A for an OP is no different than the WS - they need to hit rock bottom before they realize that their lives are a *#@!# mess, and that they need a wholesale change.<p>Well, no time's better than the present. What would I do if I were you (thank God not!)? Why not go away for a while, by yourself to think. Get away from your A victim. Let her think independently of you too. Look hard at yourself, where you are, where you want to go. Think about change in yourself. We BS do it all the time here - it's called Plan Life.<p>I have faith in everyone, no matter how badly they've messed up their lives and others. But I have no sympathy for those who know the right path but continue to ignore it. It shows a weakness that only spreads pain like a disease. When we ask our collective selves why society has fallen so far, it isn't the mistakes we make - we are human, after all. It's the lack of will and the lack of strength. Look for it, chart a path, and do the right thing. It might not feel so good in the short term, but in the long term, you will be able to hold your head high, you'll find the love of your life, and you'll be happier for it.<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>