Have been pressuring WS to make a choice between me and OM. She has been consistant that she loved me..but was in-love with him. Knew it wasn't the right thing for her and our family..but she loved the feelings she had with him..and calls him alot each day. Talks to him more than me most days probably. <p>I finally told her it's him or me..before she always said..i don't know. I said an "I don't know"..counts as him..so answer the question. She said she knew what she had to do..just didn't know how to tell him. Never did come out and say "YOU"...but she did say that she would have to give him up..eve though i know she didn't want to. I think so knows i am ready to move on one way or another. <p>That was last night.....she says it can't happen this week as he is gone for the week on a seminar and that she won't talk to him much. Today i talked to her and she is a WRECK. Crying etc. says she can't stop. She wouldn't let me hold her last night when she started crying. It's so hard...i want to be there for her. I want to help her through this. I am afraid that this is all lip service from her....that she won't be strong enough to maintain no-contact with him. <p>Any ideas or suggestions what i can do to help or do i maintain the pressure on her until she does end it ? I know that's not the way it's supposed to be...but i told her i wasn't watching her sit the fence ANY longer. That if she didn't choose..she could fall on my side and i would have already walked away....and she would simply be laying on the ground then. <p>Tell me what me next steps should be.

Hi,<p>I have to be honest in telling you that reading posts like yours frustrate me so much...<p>Here you are talking about going to Plan B, and you haven't done a good Plan A! <p>In Plan A, you aren't "pressuring" your WS to DO ANYTHING. Plan A is done WHILE the WS is IN the affair! Then, after you have done Plan A for as long as you can (i.e. you are losing the love you have left for the spouse, and they are refusing to work on the marriage) THEN, and ONLY THEN you move into a seamless Plan B.<p>Have you made your marriage a SAFE place for her to return??<p>She sounds like she LOVES YOU and is CONFUSED. That is typical for a WS. You have SO MUCH to work with -- it may not seem like it, but you DO!!<p>Please do NOT give up on your wife just yet.<p>Go back to doing a SOLID Plan A and making yourself the safest, best, most loving H on the planet.<p>I'm sorry if this seems harsh -- it's just that I have lived all this already, watched a 20 year marriage go down the toilet, and all for what???<p>Go back, read Plan A again, and LIVE IT!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the reply New, <p>But i have to respectfully say that you are WRONG !! I have done a GREAT Plan "A"..and she will be the first to tell you that. I have been the doormat...i have been a doormat for so long that you can't even read the welcome pattern on it now. She is fence sitting. I have been doing plan "A" for 6 1/2 months with VERY FEW LB'S. <p>I was giving her one last chance before i rocked her world with Plan "B". I could feel my love for her slipping a bit and knew that that was all the was holding us together. <p>You are right..she does love me..she tells me that. She also is not IN-LOVE with me...she is with him. She's had 13 months of people confronting her to make a choice and she hasn't done so. ENOUGH. So is rejecting anything i do for her...not giving me ANYTHING, but lies and rejection. She has had 6 months to choose me each day...and has lied and rejected that. I have been a safe place for her. She can open up IF/WHEN she wants to. She hasn't seen ANY anger from me to this point. <p>Come to find out...she's all worked up today because her OM hasn't called and she has left 3 message for him that she knows he's gotten and hasn't returned her call. This has NEVER happened to them before....maybe he got a conscience. Then she has the nerve to ask ME if i called him. Then to ask if i was telling the truth..The one who hasn't lied at all to her during this whole mess...MY how things are different when SHE wanted to make sure of the truth.

Hey Sad ~ <p>Have you actually called the Harley's about your Plan A?<p>You see...I have to agree with Sheryl...your insistance that she choose is a selfish demand, and a big disruption to Plan A.<p>Understandably, it sounds to me like you dont' want to take responsiblity for possibly ending the marriage. By demanding that she choose RIGHT NOW on YOUR time frame, it sounds like you want HER to take the blame for your Plan B. That's not how it works.<p>13 months is only a little over halfway to the 2 year death of the affair mark. <p>Plan A is where you work on yourself, taking responsiblity for the things you should have been doing in your marriage all along - to demonstrate to your spouse AND to yourself that you are a good and valuable partner in the marriage. <p>When the love starts slipping, when her LBs start endangering the LoveBank...then its time for Plan B. <p>You see, you have put all the power, control, and responsiblity for YOUR life into your wife's hands. It doesn't belong there.<p>Plan B is where you decide that you've made your changes and your amends for your part in the environment that led to the affair...and NOW you are going to draw some boundaries that protect you. You can't force your spouse home, so Plan B is simply a dignified exit that leaves the door open for the spouse to come home. But Plan B is about YOUR choices and decisions for your life. Not hers.<p>If you haven't called the Harley's yet about this, I'd do so ASAP. Your marriage may depend on it.