I just need someone to tell me not to give up! I've been having to basically use Plan A even though he won't admit to an affair and I've been very careful not to LB, but it's really hard. H realized he's not going to have enough money to pay for the new car, so he put an ad in the paper that is going to run starting Thursday, and then he told me he's going to visit his buddy who divorced his wife after 20 years, and he won't be home all weekend. So I'm supposed to answer the phone to sell his car and take numbers for him???
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Phoenix_in_TX:
<strong>I just need someone to tell me not to give up!
So I'm supposed to answer the phone to sell his car and take numbers for him???
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, Phee-
OK I'm going to tell you NOT to give up! Plan A will make you feel like a doormat. Yes, it will. BUT it will be YOU making changes in YOU that led to the unhappiness your S is feeling right now.<p>It will help you become stronger, feel happier about yourself, and know that you addressed issues that may have led to the dischord in your home now.<p>Second point, you asked, "Should you take phone calls to help him sell his car?" The answer is, YES!! <p>HOWEVER.......... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] What *I* would do is: BE BUSY all week-end!! I wouldn't be home!!! I'd take calls IF I were there.......buuuut, I'd arrange to have "places to go, things to do...." so that you just COULDN"T get the calls. Sorry, honey! I took the calls I got while I was home, but it was a busy week-end for me too!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Do you have an answering machine? Can you disable it? Maybe it doesn't work, so it's NOT YOUR FAULT he missed so many calls.<p>See, I don't believe in ENABLING the WS in their wayward ways. We can't stop them, but we don't have to AID them in any way! BUT if you are in Plan A, it has to be done IN LOVE so they don't percieve it as LB.<p>Good luck! and God Bless,

You are correct, of course, Lady. It is not in my nature to be negative. I just get that way when he wanders out at night for some trumped up errand or when the kids look at him with that "yeah, right!" look on their face. I appreciate your support so much, and I will take yet another deep breath. I have, since the first few days after he mentioned this remarkable decision, been approaching it as a chance to improve myself and my life, and nothing has changed. He just is so oblivious to everyone else right now, it sometimes makes me want to pull HIS hair out! LOL

I was going to reply but I looked again and LupoLady already covered it all so well. So I'll just add I think pulling HIS hair out might be a little bit of a LB'er.
Though then again the MB books don't mention it specifically [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Hang in there!<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So I'll just add I think pulling HIS hair out might be a little bit of a LB'er.
Though then again the MB books don't mention it specifically <http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/images/icons/wink.gif> <hr></blockquote><p>Ya think? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Guess I'd better hang up the punching bag again and go for that instead. I think the enabling bit is the part I'm really having problems with. Since before Christmas, he just seems to think that he can go anywhere and do anything with no thought as to the rest of our schedules or plans. I think having a few conflicting plans of our own might be just the ticket....request denied with love, of course!

Plan a involves taking care of you... you do not have to do whatever he wants, take care of you.. but NO LB, get space when you need it... be nice, and be glad he does not want d... time will cure all. pray, do not be a doormat... but be polite, and nice.. be as nice aas you can... gotta go, at work, good luck!<p>H

Actually, he has already filed for divorce. I'm just trying what I can to get him to change his mind.

MB's "Plan A" if applied right can still help turn that around. I would have to search a bit but there are are few stories of people sticking HARD to plan A through a good part of divorce talks before the WS comes around. <p>You are still living in the same house so you have a good opportunity to plan A away.. Show you care, do what you can to meet his EN's. Sometimes the WS will try to push hard to get you to stop trying, ie testing you to see if your plan A is true and you CAN be different, but don't react as much to his behaviors. Be your own NEW person. It'll throw him for a loop and it will make you feel better.<p>Hang up the punching bag =) I could certainly use one!

Hey Phoenix...<p>I don't know if you've been directed to Jim Conway's books yet...<p>http://www.midlife.com/<p>Also, Weiner-Davis specifically covers MLC in Divorce Remedy...<p>http://www.divorcebusting.com<p>I hope these resources help you.<p>Cali

Hey HI. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am doing my best to keep centered on improving my life, and it does help immensely. You can come over and punch away anytime. Between the bag and the weight machine, not only do we lose all that tension, we get in great shape!<p>Cali, thank you for the links. I had heard these mentioned, but haven't investigated them yet. I did get SAA yesterday, and am reading it as much as I can without the boys seeing it. No need to add that to their worries right now. I will go check out this information, too. It sounds like it might be right on the nose.