I had my last session with the counselor my wife and I started with. Before I went there my wife sat me down and told me that she had talked to the OM and that they were finally over with. He called her last night and they talked a while and she was finally able to let him let her go. She said she felt it was a breakthrough for her, that she felt a real sense of relief.<p>Came away from my session feeling good, aside from losing him as a counselor but he had to stop seeing one of us since we were planning to go through with the divorce.<p>So on the trip out to the Concert (3 hours) my wife and I had a good dialogue, she spent a lot of the time telling me about the conversation she had with OM. I was getting the impression that she is still hurt that he hasn&#8217;t tried harder to keep her. I know she&#8217;s not over him and that still stings quite a bit. She also told me she had wanted to start filing this week but that she wants to put that on hold for a while. She broke down in tears and asked me to promise her that I would stick to what we had agreed on&#8230;.keeping our space and giving her a chance to sort out her feelings. We both shed a few tears but it was okay.<p>The concert was pretty good, opening acts were blah but we had a great time overall.<p>Then comes the drive home. We talked about a lot of things again and half way there she mentioned that she had seen him focus his aggression on her and that was something she really didn&#8217;t like. I asked her when she had seen him because I was under the impression that they had only spoken on the phone. She admitted that they were still seeing one another, though rarely and that they were intimate last week. I&#8230;..I just don&#8217;t even know how to put it in words. It was as if someone had kicked me right in the gut. I shifted from anger to intense hurt to rage and managed to keep my outward display to a minimum. Some tears slipped by as hard as I tried to fight it.<p>She told me that they really were over with and that he isn&#8217;t worth putting me through this much pain. She asked me what she could do to make me feel better. What do you say to something like that? She asked me to stay the night but made sure that I wasn&#8217;t to get the wrong impression. I told her I would think about it. Picked up our son, took him home and took turns in the shower. By the time I got out she was asleep and I really tried to stay. The images proved to be too much so I slipped out of bed, left a note saying that I had a great time at the concert and hoped she slept well. I quietly dressed and left the house. I&#8217;m in so much pain right now, yet there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. She said that she knows where her focus should be and that she is eliminating the people in her life who don&#8217;t count. He was at the top of her list. She said she is going to do what she has to in order to gain some of my trust back, starting with not seeing him again.<p>I just don&#8217;t know what to do, I hurt so much right now. It&#8217;s like I&#8217;ve been set back a month. She was still talking to him all this time and she even had sex with him last week. I&#8217;m a mess right now. I feel like we&#8217;re on the verge making some progress. How could I ever believe her? How the hell do you get the trust back? How could I take her word for it and set myself up for another fall? Most importantly, WHY does someone I love so do so much damage to me?

Seeking_Guidance,<p>It is hard during withdrawal, she needs to talk it out ... not aiming at you or hurt you but ear to listen. Please do not take it personally, it is not you at all. Look at the positive side "She asked me what she could do to make me feel better. What do you say to something like that?" You should state your love and willing to work on M, a chance to make it right. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Could you ask her to delay the Dv ? then call MB for help ?. She is trying to recover and reasoning of A ... give her space, just listen. Rememeber she is in the fog and out of love with you for now. What ever she say or do is out of selfishness.<p>Give it a bit more time, the fog is clearing out a bit. WS usually waffle during this time. Hang in there, you might see it clearing very soon. Hold on to plan A a bit longer.<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

S_G,
Thanks for the update, I've been thinking about you. Well, some hopeful signs, but I know how you felt getting that news. Many of us have gone through numerous shocks of discovery. For me, one of the worst came months after dday when she confessed to two other A's. <p>What happens S_G, is that you've got to get all the truth out, all the painful discoveries out of the way. I call it "touching bottom" and it's necessary, IMO, to really begin to recover. I mean, you can't very well be following the rule of honesty, or of care, when you're still lying about big things like contact with the OM. So your W needs to reach equalibrium too - this is her unburdening herself and yeah, it really hurts, but does feel hopeful afterwards so I'm encouraged by what you've described.<p>You guys are in very, very early recovery, don't forget. It's going to be a real roller-coaster ride for a while. Your W, obviously, is not ready to commit to anything, but it sounds to me like there is a possibility she may decide to give your M another try at some point. <p>I'm a little concerned about the "bargaining" she's doing. She holds out a veiled hint of hope to elicit from you a promise to stay out of your home. Bargaining is a phase in the grief process, so I guess this is a sign that she is letting go. Still, it's a pretty perverse example of grieving, and I hurt for you just reading about it. <p>Now S_G, I know how incredibly difficult all this is, I would never critisise what you decide to do. You're the one who is there, living this. Your W is still under the influence of a kind-of mental illness, and like many others here, unfortunately, you've gotten into a situation where the inmate is running the asylum. I think you are liable to go through turmoil in the months ahead, but you need to be moving towards a restoration of your sanity, and self-respect, and hopefully, your M too. At the very least, I wonder, if you're putting the D on hold, why can't you continue with the joint counselling? I would do some bargaining of your own here. If you haven't read it yet, I'd recommend you read SAA, and also After the Affair, in particular the chapters on rebuilding trust. For you S_G, I'd suggest you read Love Must be Tough, by Dobson. It will help with rebuilding your self-esteem. If you have trouble finding the books, email, I have them. <p>good luck,
David