I believe my h is having an EA at this point. I know that my h hangs out at their house and has lunch with this woman. He moved out months ago, and a few days ago, decided he was done working on M. He's with her all the time. He even has a picture of her and one of her D's on his entertainment center.<p>Do I call the OW's H to let him know what I see. I won't say they're having an affair, just make him aware of some of the inappropriate things they do together. Her H is out of town a lot and she's had my h over to dinner with her and her 4 kids while he was out of town. When she told him this, he was understandably upset. She has hidden items at my h's house from her H. I was told by a BS here that I should call him. I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do.

Dear JD13:<p>I really don't know what the right answer is, I just know from my experience that I wished my husband's OW's husband hadn't called my home. Fortunately, no one else was home but me and him. I shudder to think of what might have happened had my daughter been home, or my mother visiting. If my husband is telling the truth, he already ended it, and if that is the case, I think I would have rather not known. Then again, if I didn't find out, would the reasons that led up to the affair still be there, and perhaps my husband would have found himself involved in another affair in the future secondary to unresolved issues with himself and between us? I don't know. He says he planned on spending the rest of his life making it up to me even though I wouldn't have known. I don't know that he would have faced the issues confronting him if I hadn't found out. He says he had, that he had a year to delve into his problems and what could have caused him to do such a thing, and all he wanted was to spare me the pain.<p>I think my vote is to not tell the husband. He'll find out soon enough on his own if it continues. Think of his four children who may be home when you call. You don't know how this person may react in front of the children. Good luck.

If the positions were reversed, would you want someone to tell you? I only found out about my husband's affair because someone else told me. I think her husbadn has a right to know what's going on.<p>Your husband is not going to thank you for telling on him so you do have to consider what damage it will cause in your relationship with him.

I would first find out if he is alone, wouldn't tell him with ANYONE including her being home. I suspect he is suspicious. Secondly, the only child that is his (of the 4) is the one my h has a picture of at his house. Unlike you, my H has stated that he doesn't want to work on us anymore. He wants to start over and can't be married to me anymore. I don't have any fantasy that the OW's h finding out will bring my H home. I know I would want to know. He's already being betrayed. Why should it continue?

JD, I'm convinced that OW's husband called my home to inform me that my husband was having an affair with his wife not out of concern for me, but to get back at my husband and cause him pain. OW told her husband specifically because she knew he would call me and tell me, therebye causing problems for my husband. Neither OW or her husband cared about me or my well-being, they were hurt, so they were going to spread it all around and make sure everyone was hurt. I still wish I hadn't found out that way. I would have much preferred for my husband to tell me on his own. You say your husband doesn't want to work on your marriage and has moved out. Why then do you want to tell OW's husband? Do you really want to tell him because you hate seeing him be made a fool of or do you want to tell him in order to cause problems for your husband and OW? I'm not criticizing you or judging you, just wondering what your motivation is. I know if my husband had left I would have definitely wanted to hurt him and OW, and probably would have told OW's husband myself if he didn't know. Not that it would have been the right thing to do, but probably in the heat of the moment I would have done it, exactly for the same reason my husband's OW's husband told me. Unless OW's husband is an acquaintance of yours, I wouldn't tell him if I could help it.

JD13 - I encourage you to read in its entirety the post from last July on this topic linked below. This is a tough issue, but one that should be given serious consideration before deciding NOT to do it, IMHO.<p>On Informing OP's Spouse of the Affair

I am extremley greatful that the Om'S wife called me. I don't think our marriage would have just popped back into place had I not known. It would have probably have ended up a buried secret that I had no idea about. And my wife I don't think would have been able to really deal with it. I think it took a lot of compassion for her to call me instead of just burying her head in the sand. Of course she had her own motives I'm sure.<p>That's my opinion it may not be right for you.

P.S. I find it in bad taste that the OW is bringing your husband over to her house with her kids there and spending so much time with him. But people in the fog can justify anything.

JD13,<p>I view it as an act of kindness and decency to inform the OP's spouse. It really doesn't matter WHAT the motivation is [that is another issue entirely], it is the right thing to do because they have the right to that information. <p>It is information about thier life that is being WRONGFULLY withheld from them. You have an opportunity to right that wrong by divulging information to him that he has a RIGHT TO KNOW. The WS and the OP have absolutely no right to the "privacy" to destroy thier spouses and the faster you divulge this information the faster this thing will come to the surface and hopefully END.<p>I wish that someone had been kind and thoughtful enough to tell me what was going on. I had just been married and was going out of my mind with wild suspicions that I could not substantiate. I thought I was losing my mind! I would much rather know the unpleasant truth than be kept in the dark about things that directly affect my life.