Since the A 4 months ago, about once a month my wife (ws) and I seem to have the same conversation. We talk about what it will take to re-build us and our family. I have read alot on MB and frankly she has too and we both know what it will take to re-build our family. Where as I am fully in plan A she can rarely bring herself to reciprocating. When I ask her if she wants to work on this, she say she does for the kids but she doesn't know if things can get better for us. <p>When we talk about even the last 4 months, we agree that we have had some great times (much better than times we have had in the previous 12 months)and when we do things together (her and I) and as a family we really do have a great time and she even says things like "we can work this out." I try to get her to understand that this is the future that we can build together for us and our family if we consciously work at it. But somewhere and for somereason sometime after each one of these "good times" her wall and defences go up. I would understand it if I was LB'ing but I don't think that I am.<p>She says that she wants things to "get better" but she is not willing to put any effort into doing so. (even though she says she knows how to make things better) Furthermore, this seems to be a personality theme for her.....for instance she has several "health" issues that she has been neglecting for well over 6 months. She agree's that she needs to go see a Dr. but simply has not put the effort into making an appt. I guess it is easiest for her to do nothing...but doing nothing is killing me. It is like she wants to have everthing better but does not want to have to work to make it that way. It is to much effort.<p>I will close by saying I know through most of this she has still been talking to the OM. According to her since d-day it has been an EA not an SA but she says that they have not spoken for the last 2 weeks and I tend to believe her. We both know that "we" cannot get better until that stops.<p>Are there any WS and or BS that seem to be stuck on the fence or in situations like my WS. She will probably read this so if anyone has had experiences like this and you have lived "happily ever after" your advice would be helpful. I guess I am hoping that other people have had this happen and can tell me this is a "natural progression" as we try to work things out.<p>thx,
KAP

The key to your W wanting or being able to work on your M is ending ALL contact w/OM.<p>If accomplished, that still will likely lead to a period of withdrawal/deprerssion where she probably still won't have a lot of enthusiasm for working on it.<p>At some point, if she truly wanst to make it better, the rubber has to meet the road.<p>As long as the contatc w/OM continues...that ain't gonna happen...<p>Good luck <p>E

I am in the same spot, it is frustrating...you aren't alone and I will pray for you...more later. Hugs and smiles! We all can use those! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well obviously the continuing contact with OM is damaging your marriage improvement. But your W is probably like my H was last year- he still wanted to be 'friends' with OW who was a coworker. He didnt see how he could ever stop talking to her. She was like an addiction to him emotionally. What finally ended up happening here was OW kept pressuring H to file for divorce on me and he did- then he cancelled it right away and we went to therapy where he told our therapist he didnt know how to get out of 'the cycle with OW he was in.' Our therapist urged H to get control of his thoughts because those lead to his feelings which led to his actions. H thought about this alot then finally did end contact with OW. Even after that he was depressed for about 8 wks and didnt know if he wanted to be married or not. He figured things had gone so far that recovery was impossible. OW had totally encouraged him on that line of thought. He did go to counseling with me but would sit there not participating the first month.I am glad I read the Harley books to know that this is normal. Finally he came around and and we are doing much better now. But I felt like whacking him over the head when he sat there in counseling so unsure. Patience is a key virtue when it comes to living with someone trying to end an EA/PA. lifeismessy 15 yrs married 3 kids

KAP,
I am the WS and I have been in that "waffling" position. She is most likely already depressed, since part of her knows that what she is doing is wrong. She will have a good time with you and your family, feel better, have love units deposited, but then as soon as that activity is over, her mindwill get back to work telling her that it isn't worth it, or that it just will never work. Please know this, I am not presuming to know your wife or what she is feeling. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I guess I should say this is what MAY be happening. I can be sure of that though, I HAVE BEEN THERE!! I have felt good and strong and confident one day and then the next be very upset and confused, feeling hopeless. She really can't completely feel better until she has gone through withdrawal from OM, which varies for everyone. During this time, as you have read, you should do the BEST plan A'ing as you can. My H did that for a while and I love him MORE and MORE for it as I realize just what he was doing for me.
We have been in recovery for four months and we have read books and go to MC. I read here often, post sometimes and so does H. It is a tough process to get through, sometimes you just want to say forget it, it's just too hard! So pray for a bit more strength and remind yourself why you got married to begin with. Love can return. I thought mine was gone after being married for five years and trying to fix problems for three. This summer will be our 9th anniversary and life isn't perfect. But it is OURS!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]