It has been almost four months since I found out my H was having an affair. He has been back and forth saying he wants to end it and work on rebuilding our marriage. Unfortunately, he ends up continuing to see the OW (she is a co-worker) and begins the lies to me again. Several weeks ago, he said he realizes he loves me, that this was all a big mistake and could I ever forgive him. I told him I could and he says he told the OW it was done. After about a week, he became less affectionate and told me he was just really stressed out. After I pressed him, he admitted he wasn't in love with me. He said he wasn't having contact with OW and to please be patient with him and continue with the marriage counseling. He then decided to go out with his brother-in-law to talk last Friday night. Unfortunately, they went to the place where everyone from work hangs out (including OW). I felt something wasn't right and after he left I looked at his laptop computer from work. I checked his email and found that he had invited her to join them that night. I was devastated. He lied to me again!!! I called his sister and she just told me to throw him out. I was so upset, I called as many people as I could to try to talk this out. Unfortunately, when he wasn't home by 1:00, I lost it and went out to find him. He was still at the same place and he came out to the parking lot when he saw me drive in. I just screamed at him that I don't deserve this and that I have done nothing but love him throughout this entire thing. The next day he had to work. I finally called my parents and told them what was going on and they came over to keep me company. When my children woke up, I sat them down and explained that mom and dad are having some problems and are trying to work them out, but we may be separating. They both sat and cried. When my H came home, he told me he decided to leave. I was devastated, but when I looked at my children, I decided I had to be strong because they needed me. As hard as it was, I told my H that I loved him very much, but I could not handle this any more. If he wanted to leave, I couldn't stop him and could only hope and pray that someday he will come back. The next day I completely avoided him (I think as a way for me to begin to withdraw emotionally too). That night I went to bed early and he came in later and woke me. He said he wasn't leaving. He still needed to sort things out, but he wasn't going to leave. The next morning he woke up and told me he was completely ending it with the OW. He said his marriage was too important to risk on that. He said he wouldn't lie to me again. We both ended up calling in sick from work and just spent the day together. Yesterday, when he came home from work he said he told her. She was very angry and told him never to call or talk to her again. He said she was so upset because she was in love with him. He then told me he made an appointment with his therapist. He said he wants to learn how to make his own decisions based upon what he wants and not based upon how other people influence him. He is still being very affectionate and nice to me, but I am so afraid he will hurt me again. I am trying not to allow myself to give in to him in full emotionally. I need to keep some distance in that respect to try and protect myself. Is it possible to find that love again? I have read several books from this web site (His Needs/Her Needs and SAA) and it has helped me understand things to some extent. I just want to not be afraid anymore of our marriage ending. That is one of the things I used to be so happy with in our marriage-I used to feel like I could completely trust my H and that I never had to worry about things because he would take care of me. Now I don't have that.

Im sorry for your pain [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>but...in the future?? keep the kids out of it. Yes they feel soemthing isnt right, and no dont make it seem like everything is peachy and fine, but dont tell them u are sepertaing unless he is walking out the door. IT is too devestating to these poor children to deal with adult crap. Shield them, protect them. KEEP THEM OUT OF IT!<p>If u read adn read u will see that so many of u BS are struggling with the WS keeping contact. I personally had to move 120 miles away to stay away from OM. I just had no self control. OM was meeting too many needs for me to stay away.<p>If he is working with this lady.it is going to take a very big resolve to NOT continue contact. the OP may be upset right now, but who is to say that she doesnt work towards enticing him again. it is going to be up to him soley to stay away from her. U cant make him, only HE can make him. Is there any chance he can change jobs?<p>Good Luck,
Mercy
WS

Mercy-thank you for your reply. I have tried to keep the children shielded for 4 months, but after speaking to several people, including my therapist, they suggested I let them know (without details, of course) what was going on. They are old enough (11 and 13)to understand some of what is going on. I told the kids that I wanted to be completely honest with them and that separation was a possibility, but we were trying hard to work on our marriage. I explained that it had nothing to do with them and that both of us loved them. I just didn't want them to think everything was fine and then all of a sudden, without any warning, we do separate. <p>I know it will be difficult for my H to continue to work with OW. He has mentioned looking for a new job, but doesn't want to rush into anything. He spent 22 years at the same job and then left that to take this job (which he has been at for 10 months). All I can do is hope and pray we will be okay.

hurtandafraid,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Is it possible to find that love again? I have read several books from this web site (His Needs/Her Needs and SAA) and it has helped me understand things to some extent. I just want to not be afraid anymore of our marriage ending. That is one of the things I used to be so happy with in our marriage-I used to feel like I could completely trust my H and that I never had to worry about things because he would take care of me. Now I don't have that.<hr></blockquote><p>Yes, it is possible to find that love again.<p>As for being afraid of your M ending, you cannot control that, as it is a decision that can be made by either person in the M. You CAN, however, make the environment the best possible to rebuild a loving, fully committed M. There are many examples on this board of couples who have brought their Ms back from the brink, against odds that seemed insurmoutable.<p>Your situation is, unfortunately, like many others described. After d-day the WS sits on the fence and won't decide, prefering to have both his established M and the A. Hopefully, your H's waffling is now finally over, and you can start real recovery.<p>Here is my 2 cents on what to do first:<p>1. Negotiate your H writing a 'no contact' letter; use the one in SAA, there is really no need to change much of it; make sure you get to read and agree to it before it is sent; send it yourself, if you can agree to that;<p>2. read the checklist on ending an A and do it all, especially the extraordinary precautions to avoid contact; the challenge of your situation is that your H and OW are co-workers, which will likely mean, at least, inadvertent contact; search in the In Recovery section for others who have dealt with similar situations, I know there are a number, for specific suggestion;<p>3. work on a specific recovery plan, such as the one suggested in SAA or another that you can agree to; MC is a good place to negotiate some of the thornier issues related to recovery, if you need assistance;<p>4. if the A is truly over now, expect your H to be surly to the extreme; he will go through withdrawal, it will be longer than you expect, and try as you might, it will be next to impossible to meet any ENs during this time; to conserve your resources, you might want to lay low and just avoid LBs for this time, depending how intolerable the withdrawal is;<p>5. make sure to see and IC for yourself, and encourage your H to see an IC, also; both of you need to face your thoughts, feelings, losses, and anguish, and you are not the best people to be supporting each other with the personal aspects of this; your H will not be truly supportive until he gets to the 'remorseful and repentant' stage, which could be months or more; and his leaning on you for the loss of the A would be plainly cruel;<p>6. Harley suggests taking a short holiday away from the kids (or take them along, if you can't arrange childcare) during withdrawal, in order to get the no contact phase kick started and to distract both spouses a little;<p>7. in the category of 'do as I say and not as I did', do not accept anything less that commitment to a detailed recovery plan (which includes no contact, measures to avoid contact, trust building behaviors, and regular communication); otherwise, you are liable to be stuck in recovery limbo, which you only need to read a few threads about to realize is unfair and exhausting to the BS.<p>Those are all the thoughts I have for the time being, but I will check back later.<p>Oh, one last thing: You may want to post from time to time on the In Recovery forum, as the issues do change somewhat once the A is really over and there is real recovery work being done.<p>Good luck,

Well, my H had his appointment with the therapist. He said he told him this wasn't just a fling, it was something more. Apparently, my H found a level of deep love with her that he says he never had with me. He said how can we work on getting something back that was never there. Now, again, he says maybe he should leave for a couple months to sort things out! How can he keep doing this to me. He tells me he doesn't want to leave and that our marriage is too important, and now he wants to. I am now beyond being hurt. I feel as though our relationship is so damaged now by all of this I don't know if we ever will be able to make it. I am just so devastated I can't even express it in words. How will I ever make it through this in one piece?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Well, my H had his appointment with the therapist. He said he told him this wasn't just a fling, it was something more. Apparently, my H found a level of deep love with her that he says he never had with me. He said how can we work on getting something back that was never there. Now, again, he says maybe he should leave for a couple months to sort things out! How can he keep doing this to me. He tells me he doesn't want to leave and that our marriage is too important, and now he wants to. I am now beyond being hurt. I feel as though our relationship is so damaged now by all of this I don't know if we ever will be able to make it. I am just so devastated I can't even express it in words. How will I ever make it through this in one piece? <hr></blockquote><p>hurtandafraid,
Stay strong.. Your H thinks he has something unique, but his words are such classic WS material. You can find some of what he said in the SAA book even. <p>The WS and OP find something that can be "love" in a wierd way, the reason it is at such a level is because it does not have to face up to reality. He doesnt have issues of everyday life to deal with with her. She is an escape. Thats not reality, if he stayed with her he would see that over time and the A would die a natural death. That of course isnt always easy forus to live through though.<p>Never loved you deeply bah. thats all crap. Do you have any old love letters or old pictures from your really in love beginning? show him some of them<p>Time to sort things out. I think a good % of people who post on this board heard that crap before also.<p>You CAN do this for yourself and your children. He is in there somewhere don't worry he is obviously just VERy very confused even he admits it. Unfortunately sometimes there isnt much we can do except try to fix our part of the marriage and hold on tight.<p>Please continue to post, it helps also. It helped me a great deal when my WW was putting me through that beginning also.<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Oh, I am sorry for your H's waffling. It really stinks to be the BS, hurtandafraid. I know and the memories of the fence sitting and continued contact are still fresh some 17 months later.<p>But you will make it through this in one peice. Just take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and then one day at a time. Try not to think about what might be or what the future will look like. Do your best to survive the present and to be strong for your children and for your M.<p>Your H is confused, to say the very least. Please try to take anything he says with a grain of salt, especially when it comes to how he feels about OW and how he feels about you or felt about you in the past.<p>I have lost count of the number of times I have heard of the WS saying that he/she "never loved" the BS, or "not in that way", or "not deeply", or a thousand other expressions of similar feelings. If you fast forward a year in most of those Ms, the WS is saying (either out loud or to him/herself) "boy was I messed up", "I never really felt that way", "how could I say such ridiculous things?" and other expressions of disbelief at what the alien who invaded their body was saying during the Fog.<p>I don't mean to make light of your situation. I know it hurts; it hurts like h**l. I've been there, more times that I care to remember. But, I am still in one peice and you will be too.<p>Keep breathing, see your IC now, and try to do something for yourself that will take your mind off how your H is feeling. You cannot control how your H feels or acts, but you can control your reactions. So, take the focus off of him and put it on you and taking care of yourself through the rest of his waffling.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

H&A,
This is a critical time for you.Reread what oneday wrote. It is possible to recover your love for each other.
Your H sounds a lot like mine was. I dont think he will be able to stop without seperation from her.
It is not real love with the OW just a fantasy.
Everytime he see's her you will know - he will be unsure,angry,critical of you.
Look in recovery at WAT guides to recovery.
We have all been there.
I dont know if my H would but he might be open to corresponding to your H if you think it would help.
you are not alone.

Thank you HanginIn, One Day and Sadprincess. I am seeing my IC today. My H and I talked last night and I believe his mind is made up. He says he is not confused and this is not a fling, it is the real thing. He said he is doing what is right for him now. He even got to the point of discussing finances and how he will continue to pay all the expenses for our home. He says he never loved me in the way he loves her and doesn't believe it is possible to. He also said that now that he has experienced this love, he cannot push it away. He said he wants to have that love if not with the OW then with someone else. <p>I will always love him and I told him that. I said I can only hope he realizes that I am not so bad someday. I am resigned to the fact he is leaving now. I have a great support system of friends and family that are there to help me. My kids are a great support also. I told my H that if he leaves, he has to tell the kids he is going and that our family trip to Disney World that we have been planning next month is off because of this. <p>Thanks again and I will keep doing my best.

Hugs to you. Don't forget to also read carolkh's story on TryingAgain's thread. It might give you some insight on how to detach a little bit from your H's waffling and confusion. <p>Curse that counselor! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] What if you guys telephoned Steve Harley? At least it will give your H some more perspective from the MB side of things.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880

Hi Hurtandafraid<p>Your history is an exact replica of mine. After WS left me under false pretext (being treated for depression) and solemly swore to my mother and me that there will never be another women in his life but me. He actually got very cross with family that insinuated there was another women even with our therapist.<p>After D-Day he came back to me full of remorse. I will give this M 200% do not throw me out of the house. Please give me time to get over A. I will change my job. (OW is his secretary). I was afraid of OW she took control of my life. Sex was not good. No moral values etc......<p>You are a perfect mother, wife, women I cannot find anything wrong with you. I still care about you. Do not listen to OW when she tells you that I love her. She is trying to destroy you. She will sue us. (He is her boss)<p>What happened........... After being at home for a month he booked himself into a clinic for depression. Told me over the phone that he did not love me anymore. Oh' also therapist advised him to move out and not get himself into a committed relationship for about a year or two.<p>He cares about me will look after me financially as he does not want the standard of living of children to change. Want to be my friend and can I please forgive him for what he has done. I must not hate him. OW's moral values is not the same and her bad points are more than the good points but I LOVE HER AND I STOPPED LOVING YOU ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO. You must go on with your life now and go out with other men find yourself a boyfriend.<p>Well the same day he moved out of the house he went to a restaurant with OW. As he was moving he cried bitterly begging for forgiveness.<p>Well, 5months down the line, he is now living with OW. Financially he is trying to cut me off. Cannot afford to maintain me as he and OW is living a very high life. Took me to court for emotional, mental and physical abuse. Threatens me with court orders whenever I object to something. This was the caring, loving and understanding man I had known for 20 years.<p>Prepare yourself as they say in SAA for the roller coaster ride of your life. I only read SAA a week ago and only now I can fully comprehend my situation. So many questions answered and through MB I discovered I was not alone in this. I am at the other side of the world and we all go through exactly the same emotions.<p>I will say a prayer for you tonight but know that your are not alone.

hurtandafraid,<p>I am so, so, so sorry for what you are going through. Looks like your H simply needs to continue down his path of destruction. I am not impressed with his C, either.<p>Get your H to write down his commitment to pay all the expenses, etc. and have him sign and date it! If you can, get him to sign a simple separation agreement with those terms in it, prepared and witnessed by a lawyer. That would go a long way towards protecting you from his cutting you and the kids off financially as GinnyF's H did.<p>Otherwise, what you will probably need most is just a little time to adjust to the new situation. When is he moving out? Where is he moving to? What are your arrangements for parenting going to be? What about his time with the kids, where, when, etc.? Once you have those details (in addition to the financials) in place (and in writing), then you might want to give some thought to what you want to do. Do you want to plan A from a distance and leave the door open to a reconciliation when his A has come to its natural end (which it will most likely do within 6 months of his moving out)? Or do you prefer to live in plan B, have no contact with him, leaving the separation agreement in place and taking no steps towards divorce? Or do you prefer to institute divorce proceedings?<p>The M does not have to be over. I know that seems completely counter to what your H has said, but just look into Lor and Lotsva's situations; Lor and her H were separated 7 times over the course of nearly 2 years, they are now together and happy; Lostva's H left her to live with OW and told her never to contact him (and a whole bunch of other "I never had feelings for you" kind of stuff) and they are also together and happier than ever. You actually do get to decide whether to accept his declaration that the M is over and to take action in accordance with what you want to happen.<p>For now, you don't have to decide any of this. You just need to take care of you, think about how to explain it to the kids and look after them through this transition, and protect yourself and your children financially. Seeing a lawyer you trust and with a good reputation would be a good thing to do.<p>Again, I am so sorry for your hurt. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>p.s. Why don't you go to Disney World with your children anyway? Your H will just pay for the whole thing and NOT go with you. Alternatively, he can get accomodations elsewhere and have the kids for part of some days.<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

I had my appointment with IC today. My H's therapist is her husband so they discuss each of our session's with the other. She said that what my H said is his spin on what the therapist actually said. He would never had made the comments my H said he told him. She was pleased with how strong I seem to have gotten. She assured me I was a wonderful person that absolutely do not deserve what he is doing to me. <p>My H told me last night that now that he has experienced this level of love, he can never push it under the rug and he doesn't believe I can give it to him. He said I don't have the qualities he is looking for right now!! My therapist was shocked by what he said. She believes he is extremely confused and I have to step aside and let him bounce back and forth in his confusion alone. If and when he decides to work on the marriage, then I can step back in the ring with him (if I still decide that is what I want). Today he was late coming home and I didn't ask where he was. He has not mentioned a thing about leaving and I am not bringing the subject up. I opened up my own checking account today (as a safety net). I work for a lawyer and he advised me to do this. It was extremely difficult, but I know I have to protect myself right now. I am keeping in touch with my family who are very supportive. This whole thing has actually made us closer. I know that I won't allow him to bring me down again. My therapist said I will have ups and downs, but I have to stay strong. I know I can do it for me and my children. My son made a comment about his father being out a lot lately and I told him I was here. He said, mom, you're always here. I told him that was right and I will continue to be there. He said that was good.

hurtandafraid,<p>Well done! You don't have to accept your H's craziness, you don't have to leave it up to him whether he stays or goes. Deciding that you have choices, options and a life of your own is all good stuff.<p>If I understand your plan correctly, you are going to emotionally detach from your H, make arrangements to protect yourself financially, and be there for your kids. As for staying or going, your are saying nothing about it and letting your H swing in his own wind. Did I get that right?<p>Well, that sounds like plan B while living in the same house. There are a few people trying that right now, Lora and Conquerer and Trying Again (Cali) I believe. You may want to look up their threads for some support.<p>I don't want to throw a wrench into your plan, but how are you going to be if your H continues to see OW while living under the same roof as you?<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

Hi, Try plan a for now, and taking care of you... be glad he is trying.. get back into church if you are not.. pray.. take care of those kids, and hug them.. try to work with him.. and get into counseling together... go to the counseling area of this site, and call marriabe builders.. get a referral to someone in your area who knows the program and will help you rebuild in the MB way, it is very good... go alone to counseling - defintiely, get on antidepressants too, go to the doctor.. you will be on a roller coaster for a while.. you cnanot trust him for a while.. things have to be rebuilt... <p>you read saa, that is great.<p>I am sorry you are in pain, you are at a good place, come here vent and grow... take care of you, do not be dependent on him now... WOrk to fix and build the marriage, but do not trust him. I was where you are... and still am probably in a worse situation... we are seperated, and my H is an alcoholic to boot! <p>I am praying for you. Keep coming back and believe in yuou. You did nothing to deserve this, it is all about him.<p>Hugs, HONEY

Yesterday was a difficult day. My H kept pressing to find out what happened in my IC session on Thursday. Finally, I told him that she said her husband (who is my H's therapist) never said his feelings were real and that my H seems to be looking for someone to tell him he is doing the right thing. I also told him we discussed how affairs are based on fantasy and not subject to the real world, etc. He was very angry. He has pushed his family away (because they don't agree with him). He said he is tired of being a passive person allowing people to influence his decisions. He told me several months ago, that is what the OW thinks he does. I told him he needed to make his decision and stop hurting me. He said he had made his decision -- to leave. He said his feelings of love for her are absolutely real. I just said that was fine, I hope he'll be happy, and that I know inside I did the best I could to save the marriage. That made him angry and said statements like that are why we are having these problems. All I could say was if he wanted to blame me for all HIS problems, so be it. He must really have been mad because I found out today he hit something on his way to work and blew out two tires!<p>When he came home last night, he didn't eat dinner with us. I really didn't talk to him at all and just went to bed early. This morning I asked him if he was angry at me and he said no. I asked him if he found somewhere to stay and he said he needed to do a few things first (like open a checking account and find a bed). I asked him if he was doing this to sort things out or if he was intending this to be permanent. He said he needed to think and see if that was what he really wanted. He said if he doesn't do this, he may always be unhappy and be at risk for another A and he didn't want to hurt me like that again. I am going to be friendly with him and pray like crazy that he will see the light and come home. It may be rude awakening. He really doesn't do much around the house. He even asked me how you open a checking account. He is going to have to do his own wash, grocery shopping, schedule his own appointments, etc. He isn't really leaving himself much money to live off of after he contributes towards the bills here, so that is going to really hurt him. My IC and a friend of mine who is a therapist both said they are sure he will regret his decision. It may take a while, but I am in no rush. He has continued to see OW - even after telling our MC he was having no contact. At least if he is away from me for a while I can work on strenghtening myself. By going through the continued lying and cheating, it has damaged me so much and my health was beginning to suffer. Hopefully with some time away, I can become stronger too. Maybe I'll end up being someone he didn't expect me to be and really like that. I know one of his issues was that I depended on him (and loved him) too much. Maybe if he sees that I can live on my own just fine, I will be more attractive to him. We can only hope and pray!!!!!!

I know it is really really sad.. but it will get better.. I am sorry you did not get a post earlier... I am so tired, but your thread touchec my heart... I am thinking of you... I will reply more to you in the am.. for now.. just plan a, read everything you can on this site... and read the bookds if you have not.. he sounds like my H, who did not have cking account, and needed a bed.. they do start to see what they are missing, and it just takes time.. Be patient.. I bet he will change his mind.. just do good plan a... I will be back, I have to lay down.. I had back injections a few days ago, and my back needs rest. HONEY

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hurtandafraid:
<strong> My H kept pressing to find out what happened in my IC session on Thursday. He was very angry. I know inside I did the best I could to save the marriage. That made him angry and said statements like that are why we are having these problems. <p> He even asked me how you open a checking account. He is going to have to do his own wash, grocery shopping, schedule his own appointments, etc. He isn't really leaving himself much money to live off of after he contributes towards the bills here</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Hurtand...
I see so much in your post that is actually laughable, I hope I don't offend you by laughing at the silliness of your H! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>First point, the fact that he was pressuring you to find out what was said in your counseling session. Listen, TELL HIM IT'S CONFIDENTIAL!! He has NO right to know what you and counselor talk about!!! I think he was just asking becuase he wanted to hear that YOU were trashing him, and THEY were saying he's a bad man for leaving, etc. etc. so he could feel JUSTIFIED in wanting to go.<p>The fact that he got angry when you told him to go find his happiness is ILLOGICAL!!! He should have been happy you were OK with it!!! SEE!?!?! It makes NO sense. DO NOT listen to or believe anything they say while they are in the fog. THEY MAKE NO SENSE!!!<p>One of his issues is that you depended on him too much, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN HIS OWN CHECKING ACCOUNT?!?!?!?! Hurt, he's really confused!!!!! This could be fun if it didn't hurt so much!!! I think you should read ALL you can on Plan A and impliment it IMPECCABLY!! It will confuse the poor man to pieces!! HAhaha. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He wants so desperately to have you LB all over the place so he can justify what he is doing. Please do not give him the satisfaction. Be the best YOU you can be, the most "together" you he's ever seen, and just plain get HAPPY!!! THAT will be your best revenge......when he's home, hum to yourself, giggle as though you've just remember a really funny joke. DOn't stay in the same room with him too long. And for heaven's sake, DO NOT ask him about OW or when he's moving or anything! If he brings it up, like, "Well, I think I found a place, or I'm picking up a bed for my place tomorrow." Just smile sweetly, and say, "Oh, good." OR "That's nice."<p>Hurtand.... Make him crazier than he's trying to make YOU!!! DO NOT believe "he never loved you...." or "he could never love you as he loves her...." It's STRAIGHT OUT OF THE WS MANUAL. If you have not read SAA, or can't afford it, read EVERY concept on Harley's pages...the links to them are at the top of this page. That's what I did until the book arrived. I learned sooo much between that and the wonderful people here who helped me CALM down and realize it DOES get better! <p>Take care of YOU. If you have hobbies, or activities you like to do, DO THEM!! With kids, without kids, doesn't matter. The important thing is to make YOURSELF happy and contented with your life right now. IF your H wants to come back to the M and work on fixing it, GREAT!!! If he doesn't, then you'll still have activities that YOU enjoy to make your own life full. <p>As usual, I've gone on waaay too long, but it's what I do! Sorry, but I hope some of this has helped you. In a way, I think you are in a better place than I am, cause at least you have SOME contact w/your H, and can show him your changes for the better. I have none. He moved 200 miles away, so there's little opportunity for implementing Plan A. I just trust the Lord to do it for me, and have OW LB big time. That, and guilt might send my H packing!<p>God Bless,

I am trying the Plan A approach. My H went out shopping last night (of course he came home without buying anything), but when he told me I just said okay. He said he is going in to the office today (a Sunday!) and I just said okay. One of his complaints was that I smothered him too much. Therefore, I am not saying a word when he wants to do something. I do realize, though, that the OW is a co-worker and there is a high probability she will be at the office today also. Last night I asked him why he was treating me as though he was mad. He said he really isn't mad at me and he doesn't know why he is doing that (he thought maybe he was trying to prepare himself for leaving and withdraw from me a bit). He told me that maybe his moving out for a while will be good for both of us. He said he may hate it once he gets out there. I just told him I will pray that he comes home and he said that was good. I told him I loved him and that isn't going to change. This morning I got up and started to get dressed and he woke up and just looked at me. I have lost a ton of weight (68 lbs) and he told me how great I looked. He just kept staring at me and kind of half smiled. I told him I loved him and he said he knew. I walked over and gave him a hug (which I haven't done since early last week) and he hugged me back. So far today he hasn't been as distant to me. I am acting much stronger now (notice I say acting, because inside it is killing me). I told him I knew I would be okay on my own, but I really would prefer to have him here. He smiled. He had said previously that it wasn't good that I said I needed him (he is hung up on certain words) because it sounds like I can't live without him. That is why I just said I would prefer to live my life with him, rather than without him. I am going to be very nice to him and try not to do anything to make him mad. I do want him to see, once he gets out there, that home is a good place to be and that I am a person he would like to be with, rather than the OW. <p>Well my H just came downstairs and asked if I wanted to go to the gym with him. I said I would. He told me he made a ATM withdraw yesterday so I could mark it down in the checkbook. I asked him if he opened his own account and he said yes. Then he said don't worry, it doesn't mean anything. I asked what he meant by that and he said it doesn't mean anything so don't worry. Do you think he is changing his mind? He sat here and talked for a while about some things he needs to do here in the house. Maybe there is some progress! I am hoping, but not counting on it.

He sounds CONFUSED, do not let him know you know he is confused, but that is a GOOD SIGN. Also I noticed in one of your posts above.. the OW is quite manipulative... he is all worried that people influence him to do what they want... and that is what she is telling him happens to him...<p>She sounds like the most manipulative one of all.<p>I think that he loves you, of course- despite the confusion... he sounds a lot like a carbon copy of my H too, except my H had some LB's to pin on me... in the beginning I was queen of LB's... I actually attacked... OW at the bar... I caught them at... I am very sorry for this, and no it was not planned.<p>I had too much to drink, like you, had not been eating at all for 2 weeks, or slept for 2 weeks... see I had found out the day he moved out... so I was very upset...a s I had no chance at all.. he just left... and then I let the kids visit him, and the first night they spent with him... he took kids to HER house, while her Husband, was out of town... OH BOY =- I found out from my 9 yr. old that they went to a bar and played darts... the two "adults" while the kids ate grilled cheeses there... or something of that sort.. some kind of bar food... H claims it was a restaurant too, not just a bar... at later discussion...<p>Well, I had a sitter one night.. and went to see what kind of place this really was.. I was there a few minutes... maybe 25 minutes.. had a little wine, and in they walked... I knocked her flat on her back... yes, they called the police, etc.. and Of course made me into the bad guy.. which this was terrible behavior... and I definitely did not intend of plan it...I LOST IT! DO not do this... <p>It sounds like you are moving forward in your recovery and that you have pretty good counselor... I suggest you try to look at the questionnarres on this site, and print them out... there is the emotional needs and the love busters Q... those 2 area good places to start... I do not know if you can ask your H to fill them out, but maybe you can... also... you could just fill them out for him and look at the answers.. you should pretty much know his likes and dislikes... but it will help you pinpoint what he needs, and you can start trying to make as many love deposits as possible while he is in this crzy state.<p>HE is not sane right now... I am sorry you are in this situation... it is hard... my H left to find out... and now there has been no contact.. for several weeks which they came to on their own.. it helped that I kept plan aing the whole time...<p>I made my H some of his favorite foods and brought them over to them... one was key lime pie.. he says now he thought it was good, always has... he let OW taste it - well of course, she poo pooed his favorote pie made by me, he has raved this pie for years! and they got in fight over it! HEHEHEHEHe<p>You can do it! Hugs to you, keep posting... it will end... just plan a...you know who he really loves, and in the end you will still be there.. not the OW.<p>Hugs, HONEY