I love my WH so much, but I feel like I am losing my sanity in this whole process. My WH had a brief EA in 1998 and a short PA in November of 2001 during the 4 years of our marriage. During the 6 years previous, there was nothing of the sort. My WS is nothing but remorseful, scared sh*tless, and wants us to work. However, he has some major problems that he SWEARS he can fix. The MC wants him to go to IC, but even she is not sure if he will be honest with the IC. See, my WH has the following problems: he wants to please people SO bad that he gets himself in trouble, lies, etc. and gets caught in a vicious cycle. He also has minimal impulse control. He wants very badly to be liked and to not rock the boat. He wants to get help and realizes he needs help, but I am afraid he will just tell the IC what they want to hear and the next time one of "those" kind of women show up, he will fall into the same trap. I am really waffling if I want to take that risk...and that scares me!!!! The thing is, if my WH gets help and actually does change, then I know I would want to be with him...but I don't know if my heart can take anymore pain. He cries every day, sometimes bawling, other times tears just escape down his face. I can see he is in so much pain and I want so bad to say "I'll always be here for you." But at what point do you cash your bets and walk away from the table? I don't want to hurt anymore. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anybody?????

Your WH sounds like mine - except mine has decided that instead of he having those problems and wanting to fix them, he would rather leave the marriage, and be free as a bird.<p>If he ever wanted to come back I would work on the marriage and this is why.<p>I believe in marriage. I believe that this is the natural order of things and although not always moonlight and roses, true love is learning to love someone with all their faults(as they would have to learn to love mine) and continuing to help each other overcome those faults(usually forgiveness comes into play here - 7x77 times). It also is terribly disrupting to the children.<p>Alone, your WH may not be able to overcome these problems, but I also believe that alone none of us can do anything. We all need the help of God. And remember, with God all things are possible. <p>The fact that your WH is even remorseful says volumes. Maybe you can go to a retroville weekend or a New Beginngs Weekend or even a MB weekend to get you both jump started. I know that I'd still need help dealing with resentment and anger issues.<p>Then joint counseling is in order. Remember - recovery does not take overnite - it takes years!
But it is possible, you now have the tools from MB to keep recovery going. <p>And with any addiction, yes there is a possibility of falling off the wagon, but you both know the signs, and why not give it at least one more shot before you throw in the towel. Wouldn't you want your spouse to offer you that chance if say you had an addiction - not necessarily an affair, but drugs or alcohol?<p>It's a big leap of faith, but that is where the trust rebuilding occurs - not only in yourself but also in God.<p>I know it's a tough decision, but you have a chance, why not take it. Divorce is ALWAYS an option. Recovery isn't.<p>Just my 2 cents. K

weRtrying,
My wife has been going thru the same thing for 3yrs since I am the WS. I don't, for the life of me know why ,other than she loves me that much. A question: Does your H have any mental health issues? Myself....I have been taking medication regularly since last May. My family has a history of deppression related issues and I was VERY resistant to seek help. While my A picked back up last fall things seem to be on the right road now and my wife says that she has seen a marked difference in how I deal with stress since I've been on the medication. I, too, have a weakness for those in need which I believe helped lead me to the situation I found myself in. It is difficult to distinguish sometimes where to draw the line between caring and something more.I think that you must exhaust every avenue to get your H help if you love him. He in turn must do the same for you. I KNOW that is hard. It has been for me and the work isn't over.
For yourself...everyone has a different level of tolerance for the pain and hurt that comes from these things. I know many would have NEVER stayed with me as long as my wife did. If he is giving his "all" to finding the answers and you feel you know who he "really is inside" despite his weaknesses then you may have something to base your decision on.
God bless,
Brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Sounds like IC for your H is the first order of priority. It may be that all the energy in the world trying to recover your M may be fruitless unless he 'fills the holes' in himself.<p>My H needed IC badly and would not admit it. He would not hear of seeing either a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and ultimately need both. We did have MC from early on in recovery, but he convinced the MC that his conditions were really not that bad. So we did 5 months of MC, the MC thought we were doing well enough to continue recovery on our own, and it became clear within weeks that H's personal issues would stand in the way of any real recovery. Still he would not go to IC. Well, to shorten a very long story, he finally started regular IC 11.5 months after d-day and only after I was completely exhausted from plan A and rebuilding alone and was in a deep depression as a result.<p>So, my advice is to negotiate him getting regular IC and seeing a psychiatrist (just to make sure he gets meds a.s.a.p., even if only anti-deps).<p>Are you able to live in a 'hold pattern' for a while? In other words, could you continue to live together while you see whether your H does IC in good faith and with complete honesty? It might be a few months before there is much progress in his IC and until he gets help, you probably won't have any better information than you do know on whether your H stay trapped in his same patterns.<p>From your description of your H, he sounds like a conflict avoider (wants to please, lies to avoid rocking the boat). As for the poor impulse control, what is that about? Is he prone to addictive behavior?<p>Have you thought about 'the message of the As'? It seems like you have in the sense that you have concluded that his personal issues are at the root. Are there any relationship issues that have been a problem in your M? The recommended books "SAA", "After the Affair" and "Torn Asunder" all talk about determining what the message is (or are). If the only message is that your H needs help, then that really needs to be the horse before the cart; but if there are other messages, then you can try to sort them out and follow a recovery plan and rebuild alone while your H is in IC.<p>As for your question: "at what point do you cash your bets and walk away from the table?" Only you can answer this one. My own answer to this question has always been 'when I have tried absolutely everything I can to recovery this M and then tried everything a second time, and recovery is just not happening'. Whatever your answer is, remember that you can only control your actions, you cannot control your H's, you cannot go to C for him, or fix his problems for him. So your answer has to focus on what you are prepared to accept, do and live through. I will add, though, that the only way to guarantee not being hurt by your H is to not be with him, because the sharing a life with someone means you are vulnerable to being hurt by them, just as they are vulnerable to being hurt by you; and because you share a child together, you won't actually ever be completely sheltered from your H's conduct, as he will presumably play a part in your son's life whether you are living together or apart.<p>I am sorry for your pain. Please take the time you need to think and feel through all the options. And talk to us here and on the In Recovery forum.<p>Hugs,