I am plan Aing with my husband. He is almost 2 months into his affair (meeting her online) He has met her once. I found out 2 weeks ago. Anyway, I am sure you can find my story. I am not sure how these things work. My problem is that he says he loves me more than he ever thought it possible to love someone and doesn't want to lose me or the kids but he loves this other woman too and doesn't want to lose her. Is this just part of the fog? Or am I looking at something much worse. He got me a book on polyamory. He knows my views I have been able to make them very clear to him. We have been able to talk and actually our marriage is on better grounds than ever before in us getting along except for the affair of course. He said that he would read saa and has started doing that.
Should I just hang in there? I mean that is what I am going to do but I am just so worried. I was able to tell him that it hurts my feelings when he talks, emails, sees her. And I wish that he didn't have that relationship. He said that he was sorry about that and didn't want to hurt me but could not give her up.
Any words of wisdom would be very helpful. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

DEFINATELY fog.
He techinically is in love with two people it sounds like. For the needs each of you are meeting. BUT that does not mean you cannot meet those needs he is seeking in the OW. AND it sure as HECK does not make it right.
Your dear H has to seriously rethink his morals... but I suppose at least he is being honest with you about things. Dont EVER settle for that, I don't know you but Ill tell you off the bat you are worth more than a half effort at love and despite what he says, about loving you more now, thats what it is.<p>Do the EN survey see if you can identify what needs his OW is meeting. Dont give up and dont settle for secondhand love. Plan A plan A plan A.
Oh on a more down to earth note, if he has had an PA you might want to consider getting tested for STD's and/or asking him to. definatly not a pleasant conversation but protect yourself even if he wont protect you<p>Keep posting! You CAN get through this.

Well, speaking from experience... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Being that you've only known for 2 weeks now implies that you're very early into this. Everyone here who's had ANY success here in restoring their M will agree that the key is PATIENCE. Don't expect a quick fix. But it's not all wasted time - it's a good time to implement Plan A, and work on yourself, making yourself the kind of person that NO-ONE could resist. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There's so much reading material out there on this subject, I'd recommend all sorts of stuff, not just SAA. Read James Dobson, Michele Weiner-Davis, and others.<p>And above all, remember the tenants of Plan A - NO LB'ing. And remember that a LB is defined by your spouse, not you. And chances are, you might be able to meet some of his EN - do so where he'll let you, but don't pressure.<p>(As an aside, I almost wish I was a woman right now. It seems that SF is much more readily given by a WH than a WW. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Oh well!)

He says I am meeting all his needs now. I sure wasn't before I know. He says that we meet them in different ways because we are different people. He says the love he feels for her in no way diminishes the love he feels for me. This doesn't make any sense to me. My husband is a very caring man. We have had a lot of problems but I know we can get through them. I am not sure what to do about this other woman. I will stay as long as it feels OK for me to. If I start getting depressed or something like that I will have to move to plan b. I told him this. He is being very open and honest with everything. Which is good I guess. I don't know.

Hmm im not sure about the needs part.
Another poster wrote a different way to ask. Ask him what he likes about himself when he is with her. I think it is just a little early since discovery perhaps there are things he isnt telling you?<p>You write that you know we had a lot of problems but know you can get through them. What problems are they can you determine from them what the needs are. A lot of time a WS falls passionaly in love with the OW because his relationship with the OP is problem free. Your M like any other will have its bumps related to everyday life. your H and the OP are living in dreamland both fogged. <p>Remember if you read SAA, you can be fufilling a E need but not 100% or not in the way he likes it. Like conversation I was meeting my WW's conversation need I THOUGHT but I always avoided issues that were important. You could say I was meeting that need she might think that too if she did not think about it. but if you ask if I satisfied her need completely for conversation the answer would be no.<p>If you have a perfect love and problem free marriage. why in the world would he want to be with another person and screw all that up.
Other reasons I think that an A can happen outside of lack of love and EN's could be trauma, addictions or other emotional or psychological issues. <p>anyhow keep posting at the very least it helps to get things out of your system.

Our marriage was horrible. It wasn't until after he told me about the affair that I read saa and woke up to reality. All this love and meeting his needs has come after the fact. We have had so many problems. He is a drug and alchol addict. He has been in recovery for 4 years now. We lost our oldest son in a drowning accident at our home 4 years ago (4 months after he got sobber) Nothing has been the same since then. He never met any of my needs and I never met any of his. I crawled into myself in a deep depression and he reached out. It was like someone hit me over the head with a baseball bat when he told me. I never thought that he would have an affair. I don't know why all we did was fight all the time. We both have a hard time controling our anger. That has changed dramatically since I found out. So since our marriage was so awful and he feels so much better about it now do you think in time if we can keep happy the affair will die down?

Lorisue...
Well thats the general Idea of plan A as I understand it. You work hard (and unfortunately sometimes without reassurance) on yourself and your marriage. DO your part since you cant control how or if he does his. You can let him know how the A hurts you and what you want for the future if that is not a tough subject. Don't let him or his actions discourage you. I really really feel that one person can save a marriage. I feel if you can get him to "turn the corner" and try to work on it with you you can make something special. You have been through so much and have done an awsome job trying to restore what you have both lost through all those tragities. Remember to look back from time to time and see how far you've come! <p>It sounds like you have your self straightened out and have been putting yourself into your marriage. Thats awesome! I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom myself, though I was much stupider and really hit hard by discovering this A in my life. You have both feet on the ground. work hard on your plan A. I think you should be in MC with your H though, will he do that? Try to find a good one do a bit of research. <p>-HI

OK I took your advice and asked him what made him feel good when he was with her. He said I don't know the same thing as when I am with you. So I said what needs does she meet better than me so I can work on them. He said none the only thing that he has with her that is better than with us is history. They went to high school together (didn't know each other then). They are the same age. He is 42 and I am 29 so he says we don't have a lot in common. He can talk to her about the Kennedy assasination and those type of things that I know nothing about. He has called me 3 times today and emailed me a card and a note. He never has done that. He told me that he feels like our marriage is perfect and he is happier and more in love with me than he thought possible but there is still this other woman (he didn't mention it this time though) usually he will add in something about how he loves her too. He said that he was glad that I am letting him be who he is and not standing in his way. I would be and am happy with all of this if it wasn't for this other woman. I am to happier than I have ever been in our marriage. He is treating me so well and making me feel loved. I just have this whole in my heart in regards to her. It is weird to feel so happy and loved but yet knowing that he is having an affair. This is so very confusing!

Any history lessons for me? LOL What he is saying doesn't make any sense. If the only thing that he gets from her is knowledge about things that happened during their childhood then why does he need to have sex with her? Just something that I don't get. We have been having more and better sex than ever before. We put the kids to bed at 8:00 and spend until 1:00 holding each other and making love every night. And before we put the kids to bed we kiss and hold each other. So why does he need to continue this? If I am meeting all his needs and as he says he gets nothing from her that he doesn't get from me except the childhood expirence thing why does this have to continue? WHY??????????????????????????? I know there is no logical explaination for it. He is in LaLa land but it doesn't make it much easier.