I had an unprompted conversation with my WW this morning. We were talking about spending my bonus and she said she did not want to go another whole year without a second car and I said I did not want to go another year without knowing from day to day if I was going to stay married (LB'd again). But, surprsisingly, she said "You are going to be married a year from now, please know that". I let that remark go.<p>Later in the morning, I called her to tell her that Steve Harleytcancelled my 1st session because he has the flu and I was bummed. She said, very softly, "I'm sorry". I said it upset me because I have been aching to talk to someone about this situation for going on 9 weeks and now I have to wait longer. I told her that she is the only one I can talk to about this pain. She then said that she was sorry, and that I need to know that she will not break up our family, that she will keep our family together. I told her that that is great, but that if she ends this "thing" (my word) I want her to come back to me, not just to our family. She asked me if I really believe things can be different. I turned it around and asked her if she thoguht I was different. She said, "Yes, definitely." Then I asked her if she truly believed that I loved her, the way she wants to be loved. She said "Yes". Then I said that as much as she may find it hard to believe, I think she can love me the same way. She said "Why do you think it is hard for me to believe that? I do believe that."<p>Then I said that if and when she is ready to begin work on restoring our marriage, there are many tools to use and work to do. I said that we can't go back to the way things were, and that we both need to understand and accept the pledge of fidelity that goes with marriage. She said that she considers my past involvement with pornography to be just as unfaithful as what she is doing. I said I agree to a certain extent, and that is why I have given that up and have been totally abstinent for months.<p>I sensed I was starting to lose her so I said we needed to end the conversation. But first, I told her that I loved her and that I respect her need to make this decision on her own. I only asked that she keep the lines of communication open so I can help her thru this.<p>Now-what do you all suggest?? I deleted the snoop software off the computer because just Monday they were basically having PC sex over the Instant Messaging. I can't take reading this stuff any more. She assured me today that she won't be seeing him today (but not that she had stopped seeing him). I don't know what to believe.<p>I plan to give her the next five days, thru the weekend, with no follow up whatsoever. Then I was thinking of snooping again, come Monday morning, just for a reality check. <p>Is that too soon? Should I just continue working as HARD as I can on Plan A, and give her some space? Is the worm starting to turn?? <p>My greatest fear is that she is just playing me, and that she wants me off-guard when she springs the big news on me. I fear this because the OM closed last week on what he calls "her house" and
is still relentless in his pursuit. Also, when I have snooped on their IM's, he makes joking comments about me (very disrespectful) and WW does nothing. Finally, she has very often said "I'm sorry" but I read it as "I'm sorry I'm going to leave you" NOT "I'm sorry I did this and want to make it up to you." <p>Any advice is welcome. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Wow thats a breakthrough with the spontanueous conversation, maybe she is turning around?
I still think however she is awfully confused and totally out of touch with reality. It doesnt sound that she has truely come to grips with the idea she can't have both YOU and HIM yet.<p>Only thing I know is keep plan A'ing HARD, it is not just a fix for marriage problems parts of it should be a lifestyle. Im not sure what to think about if she is serious yet in trying with your R. The snoop thing might tell you but be prepared for whatever you find good or bad and don't be discouraged. <p>
Regarding her just playing you to drop you when you are off guard. I CANT believe anyone would be THAT cruel, despite how they seem to be during the A.<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Just something to think about, but what does snooping give you. I had to answer this for myself a few weeks ago and here is the conclusion I came to. <p>I was driving by my WH's apartment to see if OW's car was there. If it was, I felt bad. If it wasn't I just wondered how long it would be before it was. I knew he was still seeing her. He never told me she was out of the picture. So what was I looking for? I could not answer that question. So what did I do? I stopped driving by there. I can only be the best me possible. I can not make him stop seeing her. I can Plan A, I can keep getting stronger and I can let God take care of the rest. With that decision, I gave myself so much peace. I let myself know that it is his A and only the two in it can end it. So I wait. I am becoming a patient person. Never was before. <p>I know that only you can answer this question for you, but what does snooping give you. If the answer is anything but peace of mind (which if you think how I do I don't think it does) please consider not doing it. <p>Hang in there and I will be praying for you and everyone else who is trying to save their marriage.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HangingIn:
<strong>Regarding her just playing you to drop you when you are off guard. I CANT believe anyone would be THAT cruel, despite how they seem to be during the A.<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>From what I can determine, that is exactly what my WW tried to do, except with a twist. Her idea was to get me to fall out of love with her so she could then "find" the OM.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SinkingFast:
<strong>I know that only you can answer this question for you, but what does snooping give you. If the answer is anything but peace of mind (which if you think how I do I don't think it does) please consider not doing it. <p>Hang in there and I will be praying for you and everyone else who is trying to save their marriage.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Peace of mind is exactly why I snooped (hired a PI). It hurt much worse to not know then when it was actually confirmed. It gave me some of my dignity and control back. I could make informed decisions (to move to plan b). I stopped being a doormat in many respects because I knew that my WW was still not being honest with me.

Sinking Fast: Thank you. Your post really gave me clarity. I gain nothing from snooping except pain. You are right-either it confirms my fears, or it leaves me with more doubt. I really don't expect to find a "smoking gun" that tells me the A is over.<p>When I don't know-I worry less. The only thing that puts a wrinkle into this is my PRIDE. I feel like they are "getting away with something" behind my back if I don't snoop and keep track of them. But I guess that is what Plan A is about-getting rid of sins like PRIDE!!!

If it is your pride you are concerned about let me give you something to think about for a minute. You are doing something right now that gives you the right to be proud. You are ensuring that if your WW decides to work on the marriage that you are a stronger person and that much more capable of helping her at that time and if the marriage does end that you can look back and say that you did everything you could to save it. That, my firend, is reason to hold your head high. Your pride is not in danger from what they are doing, only their pride is in danger. For in the end if they don't make right the things that they have done wrong they can not be proud.