I got this email from my WW's "lover" after I sent him an email saying that I was going to let his parents in on a little secrect about him and my wife, read on, maybe you can see where the "MotherShip" is going. . . . .<p>
does it help to read this? probabbly not, but i thought it might be since I dont think I have seen a post like this yet, also might be helpful to those newbies by showing them proof that not only does your WS lie and cheat so does the OP. Which is the downfall of an affair.<p>
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Hey Jason,
Interesting email. You too have your future ahead of you. You take me for
some type of player or juvenile, you shouldn't im not like that. Erika is a
great girl, I'm sure your aware of that. She should be and is free to decide
what to do with her future, and she has chosen. I forced her into nothing and
she chose the course which she believes will make her happy. I know you still
love her and I can understand where you are coming from. But why try to fix a
relationship that is already ended. Jason your young, have a good job, a
great son, and will soon have an apartment in Chicago. Life for you will be
getting much better here soon. You will find a girl who will love you and the
two of you will be extremely happy together. You will see Logan more and not
have to worry about his safety with Erika and I. But you need to respect her
decisions and choices. Even though it may hurt you to do so you need to
understand that the two of you have no future together. But you both have one
apart from each other. To drag my parents into it is very rude and for lack
of a better word unnecessary. I hope you will reconsider and figure out if
you bring them into it nothing will be gained. All that could happen is that
more people will be hurt by all this. Nothing would change by your doing this
nor would this action change Erika's and I plans. So please reconsider your
last email. If not, then do what you must do.
Blake<p>--------------------------------------------------

I know it's hard for you to have to live with that. How cruel of him to take that one in his email. I love how the OP tries to paint this warm fuzzy picture of you dancing through the tulips as your "new" life opens up. <p>He is right about one thing, you shouldn't drag the parents in. Trust me, they will be able to put it all together in due time if they haven't already. You don't need to resort to that level even though you are hurting. <p>I often would dream of ways to get back at the OP and the ex, but I let them just be revenge fantasies and eventually they grew boring and I moved on. Of course it's quite delicious to plot but accept that it's part of healing and coming to grips with the betrayal. It's only unhealthy if you continually do it or actually carry it out. Anger is a stepping stone to moving on as much as it hurts now and as hard as it is to believe you will ever be over this, it does clear. <p>P.S.- that guy sounds like a real swarmy know it all jerk.

Did you respond? If so,what was your reply?

it's painful when relationships end--especially in this situation. but, what did u wish to accomplish by threatening your wife's lover? i really don't see anything disrespectful or mean about his response to your threats. actually, it sounds like he's got it right. if your wife chose to be with somebody else, u DO deserve to move on and be happy and, hopefully, find love with someone that will return it completely and honestly.<p>i wish u the best. u deserve better than a spouse that betrays your trust...

kitty girl souds like the ow, she must be... I dont know- maybe not, but definitely not understanding of your positiont... I say tell the parents.. at this point, they deserve it... they can't really cdance through the tulips themselves when real people tell them how wrong they are... but the parents may be scum just like the oP, but I say call and actually talk to them, do mothing in writing, be polite, but TELL TELL TELL, it mayu help bring the affair donw.... what is going on with Kitty girl, sounds very not understanding.<p>Hugs, HONEY

The problem I see with your e-mail to OM is that it could bakcfire on you. He can show your e-mail to your W as proof that she did the right thing in leaving a 'manipulative and controling man' (his opinion of you not mine) who resorts to threats instead of love to acquire his W back. His reply is so chummy and non threatening that he appears to be a good guy (which he is not) in the eyes of a person like your W.<p>I hope I am dead wrong in my opinion regarding your e-mail. I really do.<p>Good luck and God bless you and your family.<p>Joe<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Let me start by saying I am certainly not the OW and I have never had an affair. With that out of the way I'd like to give my opinion on this threat and the email that followed.<p>The threat to tell his parents isn't really fair to them, the parents. He is an adult making adult decisions, as poor as they may be. Dragging his parents into it won't change anything. My guess is that it would only push your WW further away.<p>As far as his email, what nerve this man has to tell you to move on. If I were in your shoes I would follow the MB principals and not play into this game he's begun.<p>Sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, a marriage will end because of and A by one or the other spouse. I hope and pray for you that you can save yours but if you don't you have to remember that live won't end there. The life you had with her may cease but you can't stop living. I'll pray for you and your WW and I wish you the best. Don't act out of a sense of revenge because that will do nothing but drop you to his level. Good luck

I would like to say thanks to all of you, your opinions are very diverse on this subject. As it turns out the "benifit" of telling his parents would likely start putting some pressure on this relationship of theirs, causing stress between them, and right now that sounds like lots of fun! <p>I had to speak with my WW that nite so when I called the house she sounded pertty weirded out, we chit chatted for a few mins and then we started a heated discussion and OM gets on the phone and i m hella mad so i start threating to kick is behind and he keeps telling me he is sorry, i dont think i can stand to hear that again.<p>i ended up hanging up and then calling back after i cooled down to appologize to both of them, not what I wanted to do, but I feel that I should make all the attempts to be civil due to the fact that WW has S, and I would like to continue to see him.<p>I also wrote a no contact email to WW and OM saying that I felt it in both of our best interests to stop communicating. I am weak and can not stop being angry right now. Makes me feel bad being mad all the time.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> kittygirrrl --- actually, it sounds like he's got it right.
<hr></blockquote><p>kitty my dear, he has nothing right, that is why he is sleeping with a married woman, if he really cared about her why have they had to hide their "love" from everyone, including his family? they knew it was wrong. Also why is my WW not talking to any of her family? because she is lost in the fog, only a foggy spouse would say that their child is their entire life, and with out the child their life would mean nothing, well then why would you risk divorce and loss of your child over an A? <p>You are responisble for your own actions.

digit, you apparently started this interaction with your email threat (and it was a threat) to om. Threats have a way of backfiring, and causing undesireable consequences, but the main thing about threats, is don't make em unless you intend to carry them out. If you don't, you appear weak, and ineffectual, and that works against plan a concepts, or reconcilliation efforts (no one wants a wimpy, weak, clingy spouse...for good reason).<p>The om response was polite enough I guess, but obviously self-serving, still he was right about one thing, it is your wifes decision, not his, he did not make her do anything. IMO you can deduce one thing though, his reply was manipulative, that, and his unwillingness to tell your w she needs to resolve her marriage before building any further life with him reveal the weak foundation of that relationship. He is in it for him, not for her. How about you, was/is that the basis of your marriage too? What your wife does for you? How much you want her? etc. etc. This probably the truth of most relationships, and why most fail, they are selfish places. The good news is, if you really do want to nurture your wife, help her be the best person she can be, you still have a chance...being married, and the father of her child gives you some good cards. But if you continue to manipulate with anger, guilt, clinginess etc. you throw those cards away. <p>Focus on you digit, be the best you can be, and nurture your w as best you can under the circumstances, not to get her back, or for what she will do for you, but because you want her to be happy... and if your marriage is to survive, it will. That is sorta what plan a is about, set her free digit, right now, and do the work of plan a, let go of the anger, the coercion, and let her see who you really are, accept there is no gaurantee and let what will be will be.<p>In that spirit re his parents. I am adamant about revealing affairs under all circumstances to an unknowing spouse, from there it starts to get a little murky. Under most cirucmstances I do think it appropriate to inform parents of childrens improper behaviour (regardless of age of children), childrens behaviour reflects in many ways on the parents, and parents cannot parent effectively (a lifelong responsibility) without all the facts, and children will decieve. But it does depend some on the parents, many were not (and are not) very responsible, and would be a waste of time, or even possibly counter-productive in some sense. Or they may be old, and infirm, and stressing them just not appropriate. But if they are healthy, responsible, involved type of parents, I would say tell them, in the spirit of them encourageing their son to stop messing with a married woman, a no-brainer from an ethical standpoint, not to mention the om is exhibiting poor judgement, cause it is problematic that a conflicted married person is emotionally stable enough to make the kind of committments the om should expect if they are to have a life together, too much unfinished business. I would think his parents would counsel re that as well. But IMO you should have simply told them, and not discussed it with om, by making it a threat, you have put yourself in a very precarious position.....no one view vindictiveness/revenge/blackmail very favorably...ya know?<p>I would still tell if you think the parents could be effective, but first I would apologize to om for the threat, and tell him indeed you should have just done what you thought best, not tried to blackmail him. I would also discuss this with your w, and explain you are just doing what you think best. Curiously she (ws) may view something like this as positive, your willingness to take this risk for her, as long as she realizes you did it for positive reasons, not vengeful ones. You must look inside yourself and see that truth, cause just saying it, won't hide the truth in your heart...ya know? I think you are correct though, any legitimate actions that can place stress on the om/w is ok, and appropriate, the sooner they get stressed the better, cause it will also reveal truth...if their relationship survives public exposure, then maybe it should continue, I dunno, it is a proof of sorts...but as you surmise, it may lead to LB'ing and that is a good thing too. In any event, my take on reconcilliation is a little different, I don't necessarily think it is a good idea to approach this as save the marriage at all cost.... more like let's discover the real truth, and whether a marriage can bond the way BOTH people need, not just assume she is the one for you, mskes no difference unless she sees you the same way...ya know. There is a fine line between dependentcy/possesion in marital resolution and egalitarian bonding...but the line is extremely important to the mental/emotional health of the partcipants. Are you sure you really understand that? Or do you just want your w back cause she left you, and you are afraid to start over? Have you assessed who she really is? And who you really are? Good Luck

Dear Digitalslavery,<p>Leave his parents out of it. There is nothing they can do for you.<p>When my FIL got involved with an OW my MIL went to see the OW`s parents. She had alot to say. They couldn`t/didn`t do anything. The only thing that MIL got out of the encounter was a reputation as a nut. That sort of thing sticks forever you know.<p>While going through my first divorce my mother gave me a sage piece of advice. MY 1st H was a real piece of work, an alcoholic who couldn`t keep a steady job, a con artist who drug me though a bankruptcy and who ran around with other women. His parents were VERY sympathetic TO ME. they were concerned about ME, they kept apologizing to me for what their son was and how he had treated me. They wanted to give me financial help but I politely refused.<p>MY mother warned me that although they were ashamed of their son that he was THEIR son. She let me know that eventually they were going to close ranks and side with him. He was their son, their blood. My very smart mother was right. You cannot come between a parent and a child no matter how big a doofus the child is. A biological fact.

To all thanks for the further input: again I am being spurred by anger and frustration, not right now, but at the time of writing the "threat". I have agreeded to not talk to his parents, i also appologized to OM and W about this, not really what i wanted to do, and yes it makes me look bad to not carry out this "threat".<p>I wrote my WW and the OM the following no contact letter, the more I keep finding out LIES the more angry I get, in order for me to re group and continue on I have discontinued communications with her directly and will go thru a 3rd party until I feel I can hear her LIES and not get mad but rather laugh at the situation she is getting herself into.<p>If she wants this guy then more power to her, and they are so sure of well, your all right it is her choice and as you all may not see it this, he was not a true friend to her, by seeing her weakness and making his move he was being manipulative, maybe not by force but he was not trying to stop her from working out her problems with me. This relationship is not likely to surrive for the following well defined and clearly visible reasons:<p>1. The are both getting so used to lying to everyone that soon they will be lying to each other, a natural reaction.<p>2. Relationship was not formed on a solid foundation, ie they have only known each other for roughly about 1 month, and they are already in "love", and have been being sneaky for sometime.<p>3. Neither one of them has ever lived by themselves, or had to pay their own bills, they will be getting an apartment together in a few weeks, neither one of them has the skills to make decent money, OM works at a video store. Life is stressful when mom and dad aren't paying for everything.<p>The bottom line is that it would be a waste of time to even get upset over some WS, but since I love her I would want to take the risk for her sake, the sooner she wakes up the sooner my son will be able to lead a normal life, regardless if we are together.

digitalslavery: "why would you risk divorce and loss of your child over an A? "<p>indeed.

kittygirrrl -<p>your point of view is very interesting, I wonder what my WW would think about me getting full custody of my son, and forcing her to pay child support, that seems like a pretty quick way to get someones attention. Yeah i would be the bad guy but at least I would know that my son would not have the infulence of a deranged unstable mother who believes its ok to lie and cheat, I mean come on, just because his mother lacks some serious common sense does that mean he should have to suffer. Just my view and opinion right now.<p>sorry, had to vent . . . grrrrr