My h. and I have been going to therapy. It seems to help, but mostly I have been living in lala land where I just pretend everything is good. (that would amount to my long time absence). My h. has some problems and the therapist thinks he may have a few illness type problems that need to be dealt with, only he doesn't think anything is wrong. Therapist says that he will always be like this and will never be able to give anything to me emotionally, he agreed that he didn't want to/couldn't give me anything. I'm not sure what to do because I love him, but day after day of knowing that the romance is gone and that until he gets help, he will punish me eternally for everything in his life is eating me up. I find myself questioning how I feel about him and if I really love him anymore. I'm not sure what to do, I could use some advice. I won't be able to check on this probably until tomorrow, so if anyone out there has any advice, I could sure use it.

Rainefall,<p>There must be something in the air today. I have responded to at least 3 MBers today regarding the WS' psychiatric conditions (which likely pre-existed the A) and how to cope with that in addition to recovery from an A.<p>I have cut the next few paragraphs from another response I wrote today and made some edits. So, if I say something nonsensical, it is probably just an error with my own editing.<p>Sounds like IC for your H is the first order of priority. It may be that all the energy in the world trying to recover your M may be fruitless unless he 'fills the holes' in himself.
My H needed IC badly and would not admit it. He would not hear of seeing either a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and ultimately need both. We did have MC from early on in recovery, but he convinced the MC that his conditions were really not that bad. So we did 5 months of MC, the MC thought we were doing well enough to continue recovery on our own, and it became clear within weeks that H's personal issues would stand in the way of any real recovery. Still he would not go to IC. Well, to shorten a very long story, he finally started regular IC 11.5 months after d-day and only after I was completely exhausted from plan A and rebuilding alone and was in a deep depression as a result.<p>So, my advice is to negotiate him getting regular IC with a psychologist and seeing a psychiatrist immediately (just to make sure he gets meds a.s.a.p., even if only anti-deps to get through the next couple of months).<p>Are you able to live in a 'hold pattern' for a while? In other words, could you continue to live together while you see whether your H does IC in good faith and with complete honesty? It might be a few months before there is much progress in his IC and until he gets help, you probably won't have any better information than you do know on whether your H stay trapped in his same patterns.<p>Have you thought about 'the message of the As'? It seems like you have in the sense that you have concluded that his personal issues are at the root. Are there any relationship issues that have been a problem in your M? The recommended books "SAA", "After the Affair" and "Torn Asunder" all talk about determining what the message is (or are). If the only message is that your H needs help, then that really needs to be the horse before the cart; but if there are other messages, then you can try to sort them out and follow a recovery plan and rebuild alone while your H is in IC.<p>Remember that you can only control your actions, you cannot control your H's, you cannot go to C for him, or fix his problems for him. He has to take responsibilities for his own problems and take action to repair them. Unless and until he is prepared to 'own' his problems, he will make little progress in therapy of any kind and you might find yourselves making no real progress in marital recovery.<p>Even Dr. Harley believes that the MB principles are not a full answer to Ms which have the added difficulty of one spouse's emotional or mental conditions. The conditions require treatment either with M recovery or before recovery.<p>I am sorry for your pain. Please take the time you need to think and feel through all the options. And talk to us here and on the In Recovery forum.<p>Btw, my H has never given me much emotionally in the more than ten years we had been together before his A. Our MC called my situation emotional abandonment and concluded that I was left with the full responsibility of the M and both of the spouses in the M, while my H focused on his career and coping with his conditions (which were unknown to me at the time). At 17 months after d-day and 6 months after H started regular IC (which is now only on a 'as needed' basis), the person who did not really think about anyone else has been able to identify some of my ENs (a year ago, he did not want to hear about this stuff) and learn how to fulfill a couple. He has been working hard at learning to consider others and to do things in service of our M. In some ways, my H is unrecognizable. (In others not, and this part needs work.)<p>Hugs,<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Interesting... he will never be able to give you anything emotionally. <p>Has he ever given you anything emotionally? What was your relationshil like when you were first together? Certainly there was something he gave you. Why not now?<p>Have you considered getting a second opinion before writing it all off?