I also posted this on the In Recovery Board, although I'm not sure I qualify to be there yet.<p>WS came home last Tuesday afternoon pretty much out of the blue. We had a very nice date the Saturday before his return, and he did tell me that he wanted to come home, but just didn&#8217;t know how to do it (didn&#8217;t want to hurt her, but it&#8217;s ok to hurt me). Then Sunday night he called from the place that she rented for him and in our conversation he admitted that she had basically been living with him since he moved out January 4. That hit me like a lead balloon. Here we go again, more lies, how much more can I take?<p>I didn&#8217;t loose it, but I did tell him I needed to end the conversation (I did this so that I wouldn&#8217;t LB). Needless to say, I didn&#8217;t sleep very well Sunday night, and had made up my mind that this all had to stop, I couldn&#8217;t live like this anymore, I needed to move on because he certainly was not going to give her up. After all, if he left her and came back home, that would hurt her.<p>On Monday when he called I just told him that I really was not ready to talk to him. I let him know that I did not sleep well the night before because all I was doing was thinking about how my life is not heading in any direction and that must stop. I can&#8217;t live like this anymore and I needed to know where he would be on Tuesday so that, if my decision was to give up on us I could have him served with the divorce papers, the quicker the better, so I didn&#8217;t have time to change my mind.<p>I had gone out with some friends on Monday night, just to keep my mind off everything. He called home and the kids told him I was out, so of course he kept calling my cell phone, which I put on buzz instead of ringer and did not answer when I knew it was him. He finally left a message saying that he would go with me to take my car to get it fixed in the morning, he didn&#8217;t sound happy at all, he actually sounded rather angry.<p>When I got home, I left a message on his VM at work that I would take care of my car myself. I needed to do things on my own from now on and this was as good a time as any to start. <p>Tuesday morning, I got the two younger kids off to school and took my car to the shop. They gave me a ride home. My oldest missed her bus, so I had to call my father to come over and pick her up to take to school. After they left, I thought, o.k. , here it is, my life now, on my own, a single mother. I also realized that I was going to be o.k. and I really did need to move on, but I decided to take a little rest on the couch before calling the lawyer.<p>So there we were, my little one and me laying on the couch watching Dora the Explorer, when guess who walks in and asks me to come help him unpack his car. He moved everything out of the place she rented for him. Said he wrote the letter directly from the SAA book with the addition of &#8220;You deserve to have someone who loves you and only you, I cannot be that person&#8221;, and left the letter on the table for her to find.<p>She of course called him Tuesday night after finding out that he had left and said why should I believe you this time, you&#8217;ve moved back home twice before. She says she&#8217;s not giving up. He said the conversation was 3 min. 30 seconds (he has length of call on his cell phone). She called again Wednesday night, I don&#8217;t remember what she said, but he says the conversation was 1 min. 10 sec. She called again Friday during the day when he was very stressed out because of a big storm we had here and most everyone was out of power and he was getting a lot of phone calls at work. He said that he picked up the phone without looking to see who it was and she said &#8220;I need you&#8221; he said he replied very angrily &#8220;what do you need, are you out of power like everyone else&#8221;. He then said either she hung up on him or the connection was lost (never can tell with those cell phones). <p>She didn&#8217;t call all weekend, but Monday she is on his cell phone as a received call, however she did not leave a message. I&#8217;ll be waiting to see if she called today.<p>I was ready to move on with my life and he said that facing that realization made him realize that he doesn&#8217;t want to loose me. He told me the last time he moved out that he had fallen in love with me again, he just prefers her. Although two days after moving out he was calling me and telling me that he still was not sure what he wanted. He said that he wanted to be sure that when he moved home it was for good, no more moving out.<p>Now for my question. I don&#8217;t want to bring it up all the time asking him if she has called him or if he has called her. How do I get him to let me know these things without me asking. Monday morning he did say &#8220;by the way there has been no contact&#8221; and I said thanks for telling me, but then she did call that afternoon and he didn&#8217;t tell me until Tuesday night. I feel like if I ask him, it only makes him think about her. He doesn&#8217;t want me snooping because it makes him feel like he&#8217;s in prison. How do I even begin to get my trust back if he won&#8217;t reassure me of things. He won&#8217;t phone during the day ( I know he&#8217;s busy at work, but he always made time to contact her). It&#8217;s so true what they say, that if you treated your wife ½ as good as you treat the OW, you would see how truly wonderful your wife is and you would reap the benefits.<p>I&#8217;m so confused right now, I don&#8217;t want to push him, but I do need to be reassured and I don&#8217;t want to have to feel like a drill sergeant or snoop around to get the information I need. I know it&#8217;s only been a week since he came home, that was his choice. So why is he acting like he&#8217;s doing me a favor and like I just need to get back to normal and trust in him.<p>I&#8217;m sorry this is so all over the place, I guess you can tell from this post that my heads not exactly all together. Any insight from anyone would be appreciated.

Hi, <p>I understand. Been there doing that right now. Reassurance is part of rebuilding the trust factor. Let him know that. <p>I did. I also let H know that when I have to ask, it hurts me. I would prefer to be told, even if it is a short note or statement like "No contact today!"<p>I am working on 'the look'. The look when I am sad, when I am thinking, when I am happy, when he is in trouble, when I am mad at him. Less talking more looking. You know what? He is paying more attention. Got a ways to go but he is at least looking and asking. Even get a hug or 2. Very small steps. <p>Reread his needs/her needs, might find a pearl of wisdom or 2. <p>Hugz,
L.

O.k., you make so much sense. Im just trying to take things one day at a time. <p>She called again Wednesday morning. He told me that there was no need to hang up on her because this time he saw it was her and he just didn't answer his phone and she didn't leave a message. <p>Today is Thursday and he came home for lunch, kids were at school and little one was at preschool so it was just the two of us. He commented that it was nice to have the house to ourselves and if it's o.k. with me, maybe we should plan on doing this every Thursday. Of course I said that would be nice. He is out tonight for a business function and dinner, he said he wouldn't be late. Since he didn't offer any information as to whether she called or not, I plan on asking him tonight and I'm planning on also letting him know that I would prefer it if I didn't have to ask. I agree with you that it would be nice if he would just say, hey, no contact today or she called and let me know if he answered or not. I'll just have to let him know how much that would mean to me and help to rebuild the trust. I don't think he really gets all of that yet. I'm just trying to tread ever so lightly.<p>I also bought him some Kava Kava. It's a natural herb that helps with anxiety. He laughed at me at first, but today at lunch he said "I really think that stuff you got me is working, with all the stress I've been under at work and everything else, I really feel pretty o.k.". I think I scored some major points there.<p>Thanks for your input. I can't wait until I can start offering advice to people and give back what you all have given to me.