Hi All,
It's been awhile since I've posted and this post will have a positive tone for a change. I'll give a brief recap for the newbies. D-Day was last May, a few days after our 9th Anniversary. H was not sure what he wanted to do and moved in with his mom for 2 months to "think". (OW, who is a co-worker, was out of town during this seperation.) H moved home the beginning of August. He never promised to recommit or try to save our M, but things were improving and I could tell their were times he was truly glad to be home. Anytime I tried to have relationship talks it pushed him further away, so I quit doing that and things seemed to be going well. We went to one counseling session together. H had seen this therapist for IC and I believed it helped him, however this therapist was not a "marriage counselor". He did not see a problem with my H continuing to work with the OW, even though my H pointed out that most specialists recommend treating it as an addiction and do "no contact". (My H however, was not ready to take his own advice.) We were spending lots of time together and even took a little trip in December. <p>I did not think he was having a physical relationship with the OW anymore, but working with her daily I knew he had an emotional attachment. OW had recently seperated from her H and had lost a teenage daughter last year, so holidays were not so happy for her! Then I found out my H bought her an expensive watch for Christmas. I told him if he wanted to continue our M then he needed to end his relationship with her, and that I was ready to pick up and move if that is what it took to get her out of our lives. (I must add that H knows that I NEVER wanted to leave this area because this is where both sides of our family live and I want my kids to know their family.) At that point he told me he wasn't sure what he was going to do. (This discussion was between Christmas and New Years.) <p>Things remained the same for the next couple of weeks. Although I kept up my Plan A, my H probably felt like I was ready to get rid of him because he found a note I wrote myself to get a book "The Language of Letting Go" and he knew I scheduled an appointment with MB. Mid January I spent a couple days with some friends of mine doing a little scrapbook marathon. When I returned home H was acting odd, seemed nervous. I thought he was wanting to tell me he was leaving but couldn't bring himself to do it. We went to bad and I asked what was wrong. He said he just had a rough weekend handling the kids by himself. Then added something about this whole "situation" had taken alot out of him. Then he reached over and stroked my hair and began kissing me like he has never kissed me before (and I've known this man for 17 years!) You know what happened next . The next day was again a normal day, and that evening he initiated "the talk". Told me he was so sorry, never meant to hurt anyone and ended up hurting everyone. That he just recently realized how horrible he had been towards me. That the OW was the best friend he has ever had (outside our M) and that he was sorry that he screwed up the best friendship he ever had. (H doesn't have many friends anymore.) AND THAT HE WAS READY TO BE A BETTER PERSON!!! We discussed what we needed to do to get past this, and other areas that needed improvement as well. Step #1, was to inform the OW of his intentions. Step #2, was to find a new job. Luckily my MB counsling session was the next evening. I spoke with Jennifer at MB and she said she would not even discuss recovery until my H established no contact. The entire counesling session was how to break off contact immediately and never see her again. She suggested taking a leave of absense until one or the other found a new job, and having this communicated with the OW through a mutual friend. This sounds like a great plan, but just isn't likely to happen in the real world! I told my H I would like him to write a letter stating his intentions to end their relationship, but he felt like he needed to talk to her in person. He was worried she might "wig out" after all that she has gone through with losing her daughter. I guess I felt like the letter would be silly since he sees her everyday anyway and would be definitly talking to her. He assured me his intentions were true and that he didn't want to feel this ugliness anymore and that he would look for a new job but that of course would take time. I KNEW he was sincere, I could see the difference. And he was finally saying he was ready to commit. (He is not the kind of person to make empty promises.)<p>He came home from work the next day and said that he told her. He was a MESS! Loving towards me, but filled with pain for this mess he had caused. Didn't eat much and was very quiet. It was a rough week, but promised much hope for our future! Since then he has been more loving towards me. He ususally kisses me when he leaves, very snuggly in bed, discussing future vacations and new vehicles, and has even sent me a couple emails. (Has only sent me 3 before that EVER.) He has applied for a new job and the OW might also be leaving the area this summer. <p>Right now I am SOOOO happy to have gotten this far!!! But I am SOOOO worried about how do we get past the next few months until contact is completely stopped. I know his intentions were true, I just don't want him to change his mind, seeing her everyday! Last week was kind of rough for me because our whole family was sick, 2 year old has not been sleeping and our house was just not a fun place to be. Not a good time for him to go to work and see HER! I don't feel comfortable calling Jennifer from MB to help us through this because she stated she would not discuss recovery until all contact has stopped. I would like to schedule a Retrouvaille weekend, or do some other conseling to discuss why this happened and what he was getting from her that he wasn't getting from me, but I'm afraid to do that while he is still working with her. I don't want to stir up those emotions even more, and he will probably be reluctant to open up while she is still there. And I'm not sure what to expect as far as him going through withdrawal. I know the hardest part for him will be when they stop working with each other. And he had a rough week when he told her of his intentions to stay with me, but I would think he will have some sort of withdrawal the whole time he works with her and knows they won't be together. And yes, although I truly believe that he was sincere when he told me he plans to make things right...I am still having problems with trust. <p>So I hope you all realize that this posting is a sign of hope for all of you who are new to this situation. Last April I didn't know what was wrong, but knew my marriage had problems. Last May I had no idea where my life was headed. Last August I was given a chance to show my H how much I still love him and what our M could be like. And just one month ago I feel like I was given a chance to have my M back! Don't give up!!!<p>Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated too. Especially from BS's whose spuse has committed to saving the M but didn't get a new job ASAP.<p>Thanks, Heck
