I have spent more time with my Spouse lately, and have been doing a better plan a, but I am curious... do things get better. My H seems like such a different person, it is hard to imagine him being himself again... it seems like he doesn't care for me like he used to, he doesn't... he complains about my weight... I need to lose 20 lbs... big deal, no I am not a smoldering temptrous , like I once was, but can be... i am on a path of recovery from a serious back injury... anyway.. sad to see him so uncaring about me... and our family and our life.<p>He is very focused on himself right now, which is not the man I married, he was always doting and loving, except at times.. never so completely self serving... he has broken contact with OW, more like she broke contact... they talked about ending contact for weeks and finally did, for now... it has been 2 weeks..<p>Ok , now he is recording music, a long lost dream... he plays guitar.. filing for unemployement, and not real concerned about working, hiding money from me, from his se verence check, he was laid off, due to large corporate lay off... and he is now working out... a first since high school- he is concerned with his looks and having no flab.. thinks he is getting old... wants excitement and fun... instead of boring dad kind of life... ya know.<p>Anyone been through similar situation, I would appreciate input.<p>It makes me sad, and I think, well maybe he will never be the same man I once loved so much.<p>
Hugs, HONEY [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, Honey, I'm kinda in the same situation you are so don't have a lot of input to give, but I know what you mean. My husband is different too, Going thru a MLC which is part of why he had an A, I think. He is not seeing the OW but is depressed, is taking meds, but still feels like ''is this all life is about?
I don't know how to help him feel good about himself. Hang in there, it helps to vent on here, better than at them.

Hi honey,<p>I don't have experience in this so cannot offer advice, but I wanted to tell you I was thinking about you. I know it's so hard. Try to be patient and continue your plan A. It could take H a long time, but it's possible he will become his "old" self in time. I hope so.<p>Take care,
Estes

Thanks for the thoughts, he says he woke up at 34, realized he was not happy,a nd decided to do something about it... unfortunately part of the problme... or the problem was me... it really hurts.. and it really hurts... that he just doesn't love me like he did- or even remember loving me... he says he has been unhappy for 10 yrs... I have loved him with all of my heart all of this time.<p>He acts like I have just been a big hindrance on where he wants to be... TRUTH be known I have been bending over backwards to do what he wants, help him build a life, and take care of our kids, and build a life... since the day we met... and married.. I have loved him so much, and now to be the problem in his llife is so unfair..<p>Every little arguement we ever had... proves how bad I am... he remembers the bad, and forgets the good.. he doesn't look at me the same, talk to me the same , etc.<p>It is like he stepped into a transformer and became someone I don't know... the alien theory? It is heartbreaking, and I think I am starting to greive his loss..<p>At first I was angry and upset, and wanted to fix it... or do something about OW, now that she is somewhat removed, ... and he still acts wierd... it is saddening .. as I call him less, he calls me more.. and he does ask me out, and we do have some good times... I guess that is to be thankful for.<p>I am going out to dinner with my parents and my 2 boys now... will ck in later, and would love more feedback... tears keep coming to my eyes.. thank god I have my family to help me with my boys through this hard time...<p>he did say he will take me out for valentines... I guess I have that to be thankful for, that it is me, not ow... thank goodness..<p>but it is like he just is not that crzy for me, like he was basically for the last 17 yrs.. this man has been in love with me... and all of the sudden POOF? what happened?<p>thanks, HONEY

bump

Honey -
I am experiencing some of the same things with my WH. Only 36, but definate MLC.<p>Some things that help me cope and hang on during plan a:<p>Hang on to the good things he says or does. Even though they are small, they still count. <p>Let go of the bad, write it off as part of the MLC or addiction. If I dwell on the negative, it will eat me up. <p>Try to remember I am the light that will eventually lead him out of the fog. Burn bright, the fog is thick. I have the advantage - I am not in the fog and can see clearly.<p>Have faith. Faith in God, faith in my marriage, faith in the man I know is inside there somewhere, but most importantly, faith in me.<p>Keep the faith.

I start to get tired, feel used, and not like trying at all.. plan a goes well, but H says he likes it this way... why change... I am nice, and he can do whatever he wants? Danger?<p>H

Honey, I am also experiencing what you are regarding the MLC, to some extent. My wife is almost 47, still very attractive. Since D-day (12/7), (and proably before but not as much), she now wears makeup every day, takes almost obsessive care of her nails (which she hadn't grown in like 7-8 years), dresses classy every day, styles her hair every day, gets a manicure twice a month, wears all her jewelry, etc. And this is not just for OM, since she doesn't see him more than maybe 2 days a week. She has also lost about 7-8 pounds and has stopped eating any sweets, or fatty foods.<p>Now this is coming from a woman who resented it whenever I suggested she put makeup on in the past. Who some days wouldn't shower until before she went to bed. <p>But you know what? I am reaping the benefits! My wife is now very aware of her appearance and wants to look attractive. And I tell her every day how beautiful she is. I have also started working out. I have bought some new clothes. I want to look my best for her. So, some good has come out of all this pain.<p>My point-try to take whatever good you can out of this painful mess we are all in. Regarding your H's revisionist history, my wife is the same way. Whenever I try to remind her of fun times, she hits me with something I did to her. When I talk about our love, she says we never really had true love, that it was lust, or it was a marriage of convenience. I know she doesn't believe this, but it helps her justify her A. <p>Hang in there, honey.

thanks for the feedbacfk, I guess they really are in lalal land! Must be nice! Honey

Dear Honey,<p>This story sounds quite familiar to me. It`s not my situation but it is my sister`s. Her H also went of the deep end when he was laid off. He starting changing before he was laid off because he saw it coming and was very stressed out for about a year before he was actually let go. He also laid around the house and also spent alot of time with his guitar.<p>My BIL was never a model worker but he did do enough to get by and pay his family`s bills. The job situation was a huge blow to his self esteem. My BIL also starting rewriting history. All of a sudden everything was my sister`s fault. She was the problem. She was holding him back from his dreams. (He dreams about writing the next hit song). My BIL started to drink ALOT. <p>You are not the problem here. IMO your H`s A was a form of self medication, a way of feeling better about himself and his situation. A man`s self esteem is is linked to his ability to take care of his family. It would seem to me that your H must be feeling like crap right now because of the job loss even if he won`t admit it. Not admitting to feelings of failure is also a male trait. <p>My H had his ONS because of fear of failure. I was pregnant with our second son and my H freaked out. He felt like this was more responsability than he could handle. Alot of men do this when faced with difficult situations. Men do not mature at the same rate that women do. Some of them only grow up when they hit their mid thirties or early forties and some of them never do. My H is only now growing up at the age of 34. My BIL is 44 and still hasn`t matured. <p>This is a very difficult time for you both for the same and for different reasons. Your H is looking for something to feel better about himself. Perhaps you can come up with somethings you can do to help him along in this. Plan A. No you can`t get a job for him but you can give him lot`s of encouragement and positive reinforcement and meet some EN`s. I know that that will be hard to do while you are hurting. I was able to be very encouraging with my H when he started AA even though I still wanted to bite his head off because of his ONS. <p>There is a reason why your H had the A and no I don`t think that it`s always just because EN`s are not being met. That usually is part of it but in my H`s case it wasn`t the whole story. He was scared and not feeling good about himself. Talk to your H and try and understand what he was feeling about himself at the time of the A and how he feels about himself now. Don`t get too upset about what he says about you. You biggest clues here will be what he feels about HIMSELF not what he says he feels about you. <p>I think this whole thing is more about his self esteem that a question of his loving you.

thanks daisy 37, it does really remind me of him, the story sounds so identical- not sure my H knew he was losing his job... but he was making really big money for him... most ever, double his last job... and was really able to provide,... and it went to his head... he was always irresponsible before, and I have always pushed him to be responsible... not because I wanted to , becuase I wanted him to work and I wanted to be with kids... tonight he is going to art class... oh boy! I am home with kids, going to piano and baseball, and recovering from back injection I had today for low back pain... <p>It does sound similar... my H is also 34, says he woke up on his birthday, tired of not doing what he wanted in life... he had been working hard in this new good job for a whole 3 months at that time... I am not impressed, since I was the one to carry the family for the most of the last 10 yrs... guess that is why I am starting to get accustomed to it again, but at least I had help before.. even if I was the strong one... now I am the only one with him wanting the kids 1-2 days a week... or 1.5 days... who knows? He is definitely immature, and I wonder do I want this type of man back? I have always loved him since we met in high school and the beginning of our reltionship was based on jsut the two of us, and
being happy together... he NOW Says he is not the CHEATING type and I DROVE HIM TO CHEAT... he just sd that today,a nd also that I do not understand how much he cares for me??/ Well, excuse me, it is just not all that obvious.<p>Thanks for the input, it is greatly appreciated, HONEY

Dear Honey,<p>Your H does sound like mine. Except now mine has decided to grow up but only after going through an eight year rebellious phase of his own. <p>As for your having drove him to it, that`s a classic WS line, mine used that one on me too. I think they all do at one point. He doesn`t want to lose you but he is going to have to grow up. There is hope, if mine did then yours might too. I must reiterate, it`s not all your fault here, I also know what`s it like to have to be the grown up and yes it is draining and yes you want to kill the WS when they throw that back in your face because if you hadn`t have been the grown up then the family would have fallen apart a long time ago. It is very tough to balance keeping the family running smoothly without crushing your H`s self esteem when the H is acting like an overgrown teenager. But it can be done. <p>Does your H have a subtance abuse problem?

Hi Daisy, Yes, he does have the substance abuse problem.. it has gotten a lot worse since he met OW>.. so in that case... once others really get to know him... they do not want him... everyone thinks when he runs out of money- he is blowing it! He will come home for me to take care of him... I have been a alanon person for a while... but not perfect, and have enabled a lot... I am stopping now... I went to solid meetings all the time... 5 yrs... back and left him, and found out I was heartbroken and worked it out... and drew boundaries and had rules for the last 5 yrs.. he grew up a lot... starting hiding more of the drinking, and eventually at his first big job.. and others along the way ... started to go out drinking with the coworkers who liked this type of life... getting drunk that is. He also partakes in marj. I did not think either was the end of the world when I married, hey , I liked to have a good time too, but not while pregnant, and not as a mother... except on a very minor basis... a few drinks....<p>It is tiring being the grown up! I am back in alanon, and even starting to think that a divorce, and finding someone new who does not live like he does could be a blessing even to my children... who are a big reason I held on... he wants the kids to spend the night tomorrow... <p>and I admit, I am scared he will drink and drive, and also he will not take my son to baseball practice saturday mroning... (I have to work)- so probably this is another fight... and my parents will have to keep my older son for practice instead of my H... who says he lives too far to drive him to practice.. we live in the burbs.. and my H has moved to the twenty something.. run down.. cutsie oldsie houses... twenties... and no kids... type neighborhood in the city of Hosuton... mind you.. the neighborhood is up and coming, but nowhere as nice as where we live... or the schools... there, private schools would be a requirement, and he does not have the money... (he is also having a fit, saying if we get back together we will have to come live in his neighborhood, ow's neighborhood as well, YEAH< RIGHT... ) His pride is hurt because my parents helped us... (they bought our house) and we pay the mortgage until we can fix our bad credit... I guess I may buy the house...a fter the divorce,,.. if things keep going as they are...<p>I feel stupid for letting him blow 30k, now! I was going to file.. but afraid of pushing him into a corner... and having him hate me... for taking his once in a lifetime check! He is givng me some money, but since he found outI have a new job that can pay the bills... he is downsizing his money that he gives to me... and saying he is running out... I have not gotten my first paycheck yet... from new job.. so life is still a strain... (I was depending on him for the first time in my life... when he walked...I finally felt like he had grown up... he was miricuously making 100k, with no college degree, and some computer skills he picked up over the last few years... ) and thanks to me helping him get a job at compaq computer, where I used to work.. that helped his job skills grow... anyway... I am tired of getting him jobs... (I have majorly enabled... I have found almost every job he ever had... and am even tempted to now... so we can have money, me and the kids)-<p>but he has to grow up! I am so sick of this crap! I am afraid, he will just be better off alone, no one else would ever take care of him the way I have, or put up with this crap.. not at his age now... people are looking for successful people... His getting that big paying job... was mostly because of the charisma and charm and lies on his resume... he told... classic alcoholic... he is smart.. but he wastes his brain.<p>I think he likes the easiest street he can find... and sad but when I married him I thought he wanted to provide amd take care of me.. and have a family.. his old letters say he did... ??? <p>Hugs, HONEY

Daisy, it looks like our boys are close in age too, my sons are 9 and 3, born in 92 and 98, I guess I had forced my H into being responsible for the last few yrs.. and the rebellious phase has hit again.. he says- You can't control me, I want to have fun, I want to do what I want.. this is my life! Well, what about our precious sons...? PRaise the Lord I was smart enought to go back to school , I have a mba... I do not have the job to match yet.. but I have a job that will pay our bills without a penny from him.<p>Hugs, HONEY

Dear Honey,<p>My H`s problem was with pot. He also wanted to be married but live the single life and yes I also let him get away with that for far too long. His A`s were the wake up call for me, and him too. He has gone too far and I was ready to leave him. <p>That is what it took for him to get the message and stop the pot and join AA. He was going to lose everything. I had threatened for years but I had not acted. Once I had made the firm decision I was leaving him and he saw my bags packed at the door he took me seriously. It wasn`t a ploy I was really leaving him. I just couldn`t live that life anymore. <p>I don`t know your H or what he would do if you left or kicked him out but I do know that things will not get better while he`s still using/drinking and trying to apply the MB pricipals with an addict/alcoholic is a waste of time. Have you searched this site for addictions? The Harelys say that trying to fix a marriage while there is an addiction present will not work. The addiction must be addressed FIRST. Then you work on the marriage. This makes sense and how it has worked in our couple. <p>You can`t force your H to get help, I couldn`t, he made the decision for himself. My leaving him was the catalyst though. I had decided that my life was going to change for the better one way or another. That is about the best you can do with an addict. Do what`s best for you and hope that the addict sees that you will not put up with it anymore one way or another and perhaps they will decide to get some help. <p>Don`t put up with this and stay miserable. Do what you need to do to be happy.

M y H does the pot too, but not as bad as alcohol.. and yes, I am now at that point.. the affair really woke me up, and now I have found out there were other one night stands... what a marriage? I may go out on valentines day as my last night out with him, and then onto waiting for him to work on addictions or no more marriage.. he already moved out... blamed everything on me... I have been quite hysterical at times in reaction to everything. I am going to a MB endorsing therapist.. and he advises.. I tell him I will work with him on fixing things but he has to end the affair, which I think is happening, and also work on the addiction(s).. MY H saw this counselor 2x, the counselor made him upset he says.. as he was direct and to the point, and clear to my H that my hysterics were in reaction to his abuse.. etc// H doesn't like that so may not go back to counseling...<p>so anyway... my plan of action is... little contact and asking for no more drinking and pot... and no more women- what a man! Yes, I am really waking up... I was living with the drinking... I had actually severly limited him.. for the last few years.. made him work... and he drank in the backyard and garage... I know he was tired of that... but he will soon see life is not so great being on his own... his OW had a responsbile spouse... and she is sticking with him, as my H could not give her what her spouse does... of course! i am about ready for a real man, but I really love my H and wish he could be it, maybe not!<p>Honey

{{{{ Honey }}}}}}
Love your name BTW!
I know you have to a nurturing type, which I personally feel is great & is far more important than losing some wieght!
I you are a little familar with my story, so you know that I have had similar feeling that you are expressing here. I have read many, many posts & believe this self-serving motive & interest thing is a very, I mean, a very, common theme with lots of WS's!! Including my own DW!!
I am in a support group patterned after Al-onon -- S-Anon -- It is for family memebers of Sex Alohlic -- sounds terrible I know, but it is true, some people can lose control with thier need for lust! In fact there is a lot of cross over or ones with one addiction tend to have others as well!
I am trying to de-tach -- not take repsonsibility for their acting out, so to speak! Remeber, "We did not create the problem, we cannot control them & we cannot cure them" -- they have to work their own program!<p>Having said that, I know it is only natuaral for us to moan & complain about what they have done to hurt us and all!
My heart goes out to you!
Try to hang in!
Peace,
HH<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Hi, counsellors are telling my h he may be a sex addict too, and his girlfriend is one... so sad.. thanks for the note to me... right now just got off the phone with the jacka.. and he is mad that my son , our son, has baseball practice in the am.. he refuses to take him, but wanted him to spend the night... so he cant spend the night... safer anyway ffor my son... but this is so sad.. too selfish to even take son to baseball.. so my parents.. my sons grandparents will, while I go to work... while my H sleeps.... OH, what did I marry? thanks, H

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>... right now just got off the phone with the jacka.. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think you are doing a good job with this "de-taching" thing!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Hang in there, it takes a while, but we will survive!! H!
Peace be with you,
HH

thanks H, it gets easier.. when my H yells at me, that --- WHY do I sign son up for baseball! He does not want to take him! Well- he loves it, he needs good things in his life, he needs exercise as he is a little overweight... I am willing to take him, as are my parents, and my sister, and I am even willing to pay sitters if I am at work... but lazy H is too busy not working, living on his severence check, and getting drunk... playing darts, etc.. to take our son to baseball or piano, his two fun things in life! besides nintendo and watching movies with mom and playing with his brother... Oh btw.. my H bought son, a motorbike for xmas, and says... that can be his recreation the motor bike... not the other stuff... well fine.. jacka+++ , motorbike is fine too, but I did not really want it for 9 yr.old... but fine... but that does not mean he will quit activies he has been doing for 4+ yrs... (baseball)-
also... and my H is just so selfish and CHILDISH, and self centered! nowadays... What about responsibility! HOW about that???<p>It is easy to detach when the way they act is so much not in line with what an adult, parent or spouse shjould/ would do... as much as I want my marriage, this is unacceptable. I even still love this immature man, but boy is it dying.. .he told me he was a family man... and has been 70% if the time, most of the time.. but now he is totally self serving.. if he does not come back to being family oriented.. this is not an acceptable H for me! TOO BAD for him. As I have taken care of and nurtured him, forever... right now..<p>he asks me to help clean his house for him... I even did the kitchen.. but NO MORE!<p> <p>Thanks for the input, HONEY