I am a BH and my WW has been having a serious EA and for last 3 months SA with OM. I had the misfortune of reading e-mails and IM's from my WW to OM that said things like "you know just what I like" and "you are the best (lover)" etc. etc. As painful as this stuff was to read, it is even more painful to imagine that if and when my marriage is restored my wife will forever compare me to OM as a lover and I will come up short.<p>From the painful things I have read, she is saying and doing things with him that she never did with me, or hasn't done in many years. She even uses the same "special words" that I thought were just for me.<p>I'm sure some of you have been thru this. Any insights?<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Boppo...
I only had the misfortune of reading only one of those types of e-mails. I know what how you feel however. My WW's A started before our M and since our M I believe she has "been" with him more than me. THAT is very unnerving.<p>I think its more damaging that YOU may be subconciously comparing yourself to your memory of them together. Work on love first Boppo, like harley says passion in SF comes from love. I think you can reclaim that love and things can be better than before. Once you have the A in the past, you can start to over write those memories.<p>We're you both virgins before you were married? probably not right? I'm sure things you've said or done with previous loves have made their way into how you were/are with your wife? It does not make them any more or less special. Once OM is gone, and if you can bond again emotionally.
Work on getting your wife's love back on you. Open the lines of communication and things will hopefully fall into place.. (at least this is what I'm hoping for [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Hope we are ALL on the right track!<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Hello Boppo57.<p>I have read many of your posts and identify with many of the things you are going through.<p>My story is here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014819<p>My WW professes to have started ending things a few days before I found out, but wanted to do it on her own, slower, timetable. Me finding out changed that timeline... drastically. I know what I am going through seems insurmountable, I feel your pain, and can only imagine how much harder it must be for you. <p>I, too, read emails, memorized dates, details, phrases, fantasies, plans and know how these things cut like a dull butterknife through your soul. My triggers are plentiful.<p>If I had it to do over again, I would leave all the emails alone. The details that I thought would help me to understand her feelings, her thoughts at the time ended up being every bit as damaging. I knew about the EA and PA, but the details learned changed the scenario considerably. It was somewhat like the difference between hearing about a fatal car accident on the radio, and driving by and seeing the carnage personally. <p>The fog is thick. I don't have any magical words, but all you can do is to be the absolute best Boppo57 you can be.