I have tried to make myself believe that it isn't going to happen, but at this point I have to be a realist. I thought that all of this work, the changes, the good things would somehow make a difference. They have for me, but my wife doesn't want to try anymore. She is hurt so badly because of the past that she see's no possiblity for the future..even now. She says she doesn't love me, says she regrets ever marrying me and is angry that she has lost three years that she can never get back. How can you rationalize with that? I'll tell you, you can't. <p>So I have started looking for a new apartment. Our lease is up around mid-March. Sometime this week we are going to start splitting things up and deciding who gets what. Truth is, I thought I had already been through the worst of it...my affair, her affair, the escape from the fog, redemption and clarity, but I see now the worst is still yet to come. I am broken, distraught and scared and don't know what to do. You who know me here, know that I am all about this marriage working, but what is this that is happening to me. Is this a plan B that I have not implemented...sort of forced plan B? She talks as if we are already divorced, she says we are going through a divorce. I just say its not until there are papers filed, "right which is why I am still wearing a wedding ring", is her reply. <p>So, as of probably the middle of March, I will move out. Do I go forward with MB's template for rebuilding when you aren't living together? Is this still fog speak from her, her A has been over for 6 months, but sometimes the way she talks and things she says are classic examples.<p>I am lost and need your help...
She's a smart girl and is probably going to read this so you might be talking to us both. ConfusedHeart is her MB identity. I am committed to working harder to see my marriage make it...I don't want to be right, I don't want to win, I just want my family back and to start living the life that I know we can together when two people are committed to making it happen.<p>She is so wrapped up in the feelings, praying for feelings to return that she doesn't see how anything can make them return. "If God wanted this marriage to work, why isn't He giving me the feelings?"...Again, what do you say to that. She knows MB, she's read the books, she understands, just doesn't believe them...She prays for feelings then holds me at bay...a sad cycle, but one noone can break but her.<p>That's it in a nutshell...I'll be updating on the progress, but for now this is where I am.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it really does help to get some of it out in the open with this group.

MH, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You know I have watched you 2 from the time you first came here. I wanted and believed soooo much that you were going to pull through.<p>CH, if you are reading, will you post and tell us what you are thinking/feeling? It's ok... whatever it is.. they are YOUR thoughts and emotions, and we won't tell you they're wrong. We'd like to hear your "side" of the story [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Unfortunately, my marriage did not make it into recovery, but I have read so many stories, and you can too (look at Topie25's recent update as an example) of marriages that seemed totally hopeless, revived from the pits of hell and renewed and rebuilt. I have forgvien my H for what he's done/doing.. it's VERY hard, and if he chose to come home to rebuild, we would have a long hard road ahead of us. But a marriage that has been through these storms can be stonger and more rewarding than before. <p>MH, have you counselled with Steve Harley? I think it would be well worth it to call in at least once.<p>Why are YOU moving out? You are the one that wants to remain married. Moving out would say the opposite, right? <p>I'm not sure what to recomend for you. Plan B should be when your love bank is almost empty, OR after you have Plan A'd for a time and the A continues. I really don't think Plan B is the route for you at this time. Perhaps the best plan is plan A, with some boundaries/space put in place. Give CH some space if she wants it. Be sure to treat her respectfully and non-judgmentally. Don't push, expect, beg, need, etc. I dont' know if you're like me, but I feel SO sure I know what's best for my H, I'm afraid to let him decide for himself. We have to let our spouses decide what they want. Some space might be good for you as well.<p>Hang in there! Keep us posted!

Thank you Faith...
Let me help you with the moving out part...our lease is up about mid-March. She doesn't want to have anything to do with renewing and honestly I can't afford it on my own soooo. She's determined to move out in no uncertain terms, knowing I can't stop that, I have to get my own place, as does she. The lease coming up has become her dead last date for living with me, she told me about 3 months ago that she had no intention of working on the marriage anymore, that she doesn't want it and doesn't have the feelings...she loves me as a person, but isn't "in love" with me. So I have to try and start doing the only thing I can...I even offered to go month to month on the lease until she can get a job(she's working temp stuff), she said no.

^

I was also hoping you'd get some more opinions [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I'm a little fogged myself these days I suppose... but I wanted to try to respond.<p>I suppose the moving thing makes sense now. Sounds like you are doing the only logical thing.<p>No matter how hard we Plan A, show remorse for our actions, pray, or learn, we can't change our mind unless we (1)decide to, and (2)implement concrete steps to improve a situation. CH has to decide to forgive you, forgive HERSELF, and put forth some concrete effort to let GO of the past and implement some principles. Otherwise, Missing Her, you're doing everything you possibly can, and can begin to let go with a clear conscience. Make yourself a better person, give her plenty of time and oppurtunity to see who you are, what you're willing to do for her, and step back and let her decide.<p>How's your Plan A been? What did you think of my suggestion of continuing plan A with some boundaries/space (sortof what Cali has been talking about)? <p>I hope you get some more feedback.<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

My plan A?
Well sometimes I think I screw up bigtime by getting wrapped up in some of the things she says about me. More accusations and judgements, I try to respond, but I don't ever seeem to say it right and it ends up making her upset, but honestly, she really does get upset no matter what I say. Its like, we have a normal converstation and the smallest thing can trigger her to become angry or upset and then somehow, the entire history of what I have done to her comes out. She recalls every little thing about trust and the OW and things that happened even before we were married and they all flood out in this mass of emotion. It causes me to have really bad feelings and then I try and ask why, it just makes it worse. Just the other night we had one of those and after a long cry, she told me she never wanted to talk to me again except about the D, or about splitting up our stuff. I find that many times, I am trying to see positive things, even in those arguments, that we don't have those kinds very often, less often than we used to and I think it amounts to better communication, she's even admitted that we communicate better than we ever have. See its like, the good things are there, but she doesn't trust it. They are little new patterns that equal recovery, but she can't see it, and if she does, she chucks it off to me being on my best behavior.<p>As far as space goes, do you mean space might be best in terms of us living apart? I thought that was plan B. I still feel like I have love left in my bank for CH. I know that its not been exhausted yet, sometimes I think it wanes, but nonetheless its still there. So I wonder how you plan A when you aren't living together?