What is up with a snake skin pattern outfit? <p>If DW says in so many words that we are "recovered" & everything is fine, I should believe her, right? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] She has not spoken those words, but her actions seem to be sending that kind of message. Her needs were validated with A's with the young guns -- Now it's me that is insecure and has the problem! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I believe my DW is trying to show me that she does not have this SA & that she does not need SF twice a day anymore! She said the other night maybe twice a week. She definitely has her agenda as to how we should do things -- I believe she thinks that we are "recovered" -- that is, she wants "me" to believe we are recovered and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. We are nice to each other & as long as I continue to not bring up issues and don't ask her too many questions & don't call her too often, in her mind things are just fine! Right!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
She has refused to complete the E needs questionnaire, I believe because she does not want to formally recognize the needs I have expressed. She has however in so many words let me know that Physical Attractiveness is big on her list & of course SF. Now I am thinking, she doesn&#8217;t really need me to get her fix on those two accounts!!<p>I have doing better by not obsessing about her & her whereabouts and all. I had a small trigger this morning however. You know she has this thing with wanting & needing attention -- from others in particular. My compliments just don&#8217;t mean as much you know - this was her line on both D/D's, that the compliments felt so good that she could just not resist temptaion. The other night when she got home & she was wearing a floor length skirt, I complimented her. She took an opportunity to work me. She said, like compared to a short skirt, you don&#8217;t like to see wear? I said nothing, not wanting to jump into a battle. Remember, if & when I voice this concern, she gets bent out of shape that I am trying to control her. Anyway, she then said, don't you like to see my legs? Again, I did not comment -- I thought to myself, she has no clue and does she not remember the stuff that went on & her comments about needing attention from guys! And Gals. Does not matter what I think or say or how I compliment--- she has this thing where she needs validation from others, nit her H of 31 years!! - I let it go. I don&#8217;t normally see what she wears many times to work, so how could it be for &#8220;ME!!&#8221;
Then this morning, I am hanging around longer than normal & first I see she is wearing her leopard skin patterned bra & panty combination (it is non-thong), so I wonder, what is up -- there is something about these patterns or design -- shouldn't matter I guess. She ends up with her tight fitting, long sleeve snake skin patterned top with cordiroy bell bottom, hip hugger pants. I guess the snake pattern should not matter, but w/o any sweater or jacket, her boobs are definitely a very dominant feature with this look. This happens to be the identical outfit she wore Christmas before last (in the midst of her A's), when she went out with her divorced cousins, (to a bar, drinking & dancing!) back in Indiana, 300 miles from where we live.
Now, I know it should not matter what she wears, it is what is on her heart that matters, right? Well, guess what, I don't have a clue about that!
There is something about a snake skin pattern -- do most people make an assumption that that is a little on the seductive side, or is it just me? I suppose, technically this design should be no different than say checks, or paisley pattern, right? Just a different pattern, no hidden messages there, right? What do you think, is there definitely a message with a tight, snake skin patterned top? <p>Just another vent &#8211; not really all exercised about it today!<p>Peace be with you,
HH

I think if you feel you have to ask the question, you know the answer.<p>From what I read, you both still have much work to do. She still drops LBs and that is not a sign of recovery.<p>The fact that she is unwilling to discuss your ENs is all the evidence you need.<p>This may be a good time to cover the POJA with her and perhaps seek counseling.

Just last week you were posting about an 'immenient seperation', and now you think recovery may be complete? What chapters did I miss?<p>As an aside, a tight snakeskin print top with hip hugger bell bottom pants is a flashing neon sign - she is screaming "LOOK AT ME". But, you already knew that. The fact that you remember this as the "exact outfit" she wore 14 months ago to a night out 300 miles away is a little frightening. I think counseling is advised.

HH,
I have to agree with wiffle, did I miss something?I don't know how you can be recovering when she refuses to do the EN ques. As for the clothes, same ole, same ole, for her i'm afraid. It does sound like you are getting along a little better, but don't confuse that with "everything's OK!" I still believe that she is ignoring your needs, but you do seem to be doing a good job of avoiding the old "fashion" conflicts. Face it, she's not going to shop at Talbots! I wish you a great weekend, take good care of you! Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Wiffle took the words right out of my mouth too, "LOOK AT MEEEE!" So maybe that's exactly what you should say to her, "LOOK AT YOUUUUUU!"<p>and just leave it at that.<p>I like animal prints so I don't think the pattern has anything to do with it. I'm guessing that if she wore the same thing, but with a sweater or jacket over it, you wouldn't have had any problem. Am I right?<p>And, since she is not open to the questionnaires or POJA yet, all you can do is keep praying and waiting on the Lord to open things up.<p>ALSO! I'm glad you posted because I was watching Oprah this week and they talked about how menopause affects womens' sex drives. Check out the oprah.com site when you get a chance. Maybe some of the symptoms listed apply to your DW...(?)

Longing, Wiffle, LadySing & BINThere,<p>Sorry, I was trying to be cute & synical about the recovery being complete -- I thought it would be obvious that I understood, at least from my perspective that the recovery is not complete.
I was also trying to make a point that my DW is trying hard to make it seem it is complete -- at least by her definitions. But I fully realize that she is not healed so to speak -- she has some issues & I definitely do not feel an undying love, devotion or commitment to me and/or our marriage.
I will admit, I'm not perfect either. I have issues as well! For one thing, obsessing over her!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
It is interesting she started sleeping in another bedroom for I believe 4 nights. No real explanation -- she was stressed out over the sell of our home and the downsizing thing -- even said that she was having a struggle, actually said: "feel I deserve more, ... but on the other hand realize I should be happy with living anywhere."
Last Friday I thought I found someplace that was on the luxurious side, but really small, but she was excited about it. She told me she was really frustrated and that earlier in the week she was considering looking for her own place, but that now she felt better and wanted to take me out to dinner & movie.
How did this make me feel? Kind of manipulated.<p>I told her that I appreciated her telling me this & that I did not want her to be with me because she felt obligated, but because she wants to be with me.
She started to get emotional & excused herself & when she came back, no more was said. She is back in our bed.
Anyway, my point is that things are somewhat the same -- we are working "Her Plan" right now.
Wiffle,
The thing with outfit 14 months ago is still vivid perhaps because it was in that time frame that I had convincing evidence that something was amiss. I overheard her & her cousins making the specific plans to go out on that Friday after Christmas. I left to back home & when I talked with my DW I asked a number of times if she & her cousins had plans to go out & she continually told me, no nothing specific, maybe, don't know, blah, blah. Then when back home I found her cell phone bill, that she had hidden in one of her drawers. And when I asked her what she wore that night she told me & she said that her cousin suggested she wear it, that she had forgotten she had packed it. I tend to remember some of these very specific cover-ups & lies I guess.
You see the cousins knew of her adventures back home with the two guys -- In the back of my mind I sometimes wonder if it was actually a lot more. But I'm not going to obsess!!
As it turns out, we found a place to move to. Not nearly as nice as other place we were considering, but a lot more room & so, she does not have to sell nearly as much of her collectibles & antique stuff and all. I assume this allows her to feel better about herself and therefore not be as spiteful or resentful against me & thus her new & improved attitude towards me.
I suppose I should eventually get back to asking specifically what was causing her to think about leaving me last week, or do I follow her lead & not go there -- just be thankful she has decided to stay! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
BTW, in the last couple days, we have started to get back to old routine with SF -- Not bragging, just making observation.
She has curtailed the shopping for a while now ( I think she got the point when we put our home up for sale that she is not necessarily "entitled" to buy whatever she wants just because she wants it or feels "she deserves it!" -- which may be in part another reason the bulimia thing seems more prevalent! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Said she was vomiting (involuntarily) almost every day at work last week. I asked a couple nights ago about it & after a hesitation she said it was better, which to me, actually means she is still vomiting, but she does not want to talk about it!! She is going to pretend it is all OK now.
Thanks for checking in, I appreciate your input & your support! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Hope you all have a good weekend as well!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Peace to all!
HH<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>