I'm afraid this will be long, but I hope someone will read it.
My husband and I have been married over 30 yrs. I know he loves me and I love him, but we have a lot of problems getting along.
We have a sort of love/hate relationship I guess.
He has always made all the major decisions. I quit working after my children were born, and I felt like he had the right to decide what to buy and what not to. After all, he was paying the bills.
He started out by buying a mobile home park. We rented mobile homes and made pretty good money for several years.
Then he bought land. Then mobiles to put in the park. All sound like good business decisions. However, he kept us so broke, we couldn’t afford hardly anything. Yes he was buying things to help in the future but what about the time being?
I always had to buy our clothes at yard sales, and scrimped on everything.
I know this kept me upset and depressed. I didn&#8217;t agree with what he was doing but felt like I had to go along with it.<p>He got laid off from his job suddenly, and then decided he would never work for anyone else. He decided to buy a business. He didn&#8217;t know anything about the business, so we had to sell it or go broke. I had to insist that he sell. I was keeping the books and I knew we weren&#8217;t making much at all.
He got involved in another business with a partner, and the partner split the partnership up. I think because he never showed up on time, etc etc. He was not a go-getter. He liked to sleep late and do things at his own pace.
This time he went into a deep depression. He told me I had to go get a job. I hadn&#8217;t worked in 11 yrs. I started having panic attacks, and went on medication.
I found a job and with the medication, stayed on it. It was a very hard and stressful job, but all I could get at the time.<p>He decided to buy another small business. Each time he lost money and also had to mortgage our house again, etc.
I started resenting him because he wouldn&#8217;t go to work for anyone else and get insurance.
I felt like I had to work full time in order to keep insurance for us.
I started having physical problems as well as mental.
He has never been a good business man. His mobile homes or his business. He didn&#8217;t make people pay their rent, loaned them money etc&#8230;. I quit keeping his books at the park or paying attention to what was going on there. It was the only way I could keep my sanity. I was having a lot of problems at work too. It was very stressful.<p>The resentment kept piling up. Then one day, a woman calls and said one of our mobile homes had burned down. He went running over there to check it out.
After questioning him about this woman, I found out the mobile she had been in before this one had also burned down.
The fireman blamed it on the fuse box, but there was a big &#8220; hot spot&#8221; in the floor.
Not only had our other mobile burned, he had been giving her free rent.
I knew he was going to give her 2 months free, but this went on for 10 months.
He also had given her money to help fix up her mobile and also do some works on our other mobiles.
She also had a &#8220;man friend&#8221; living with her and helping work on mobiles., etc. He was paying the man too.
He also had a stack of receipts where he had bought material for her mobile.
He spent quite a bit on this mobile , more than he had ever spent before on them. We were broke that whole year that she was there. He wouldn&#8217;t spend any money for us.
I would have to beg him to do things at home. He never did.
I would have to buy whatever it took for the house. He wouldn&#8217;t even spend a little money to fix the guttering on our house, and it was making me sick. I have allergies and the mold from the wetness was bothering me.
I was astounded at the way he had run every day to buy stuff for her.
She was calling him every day! After this fire,
He tried to put her in another mobile of ours! I said NO WAY!
We had big arguments about it, and he finally asked to her move somewhere else. She called him and came by his business for the next 3 monthsto try to get back over there. It was obvious she had tried to smoke the home up probably, to get free rent again to fix it up. He was just going to start charging her rent in 2 weeks.
Later, I found out she was in another home that burned years ago. That makes three! What are the odds of this happening? He denied it and always took up for her. He said she would never do this!<p>(Three years later)<p>Now, all of a sudden he hires another man to stay at the park and work on it. Free rent again. Also going to pay him extra for other work he does.
He didn&#8217;t mention it to me until after he had hired him.
This man is not working now, and he has been hanging around his business, doing some work. Now my husband&#8217;s business is not even large enough for one man, much less two. He leaves this man at his shop and runs around. He even gave him a key!
We had a shouting match about him doing this without even talking to me about it.
I think he should discuss this with me.
I told him I tell him everything about my job. He said he wasn&#8217;t interested in what goes on at my job, but he just listened because he thought I had to vent.<p>Now, I am physically disabled. I am not totally disabled, but it is very hard for me to work. I need to cut down to part time but he gets angry when I mention it.
It will affect his insurance. If I don&#8217;t cut down, I think I will soon be totally disabled and not able to care for myself. He used to care what I felt like, and never wanted me to hurt myself. Now he acts like he doesn&#8217;t care, just as long as I keep working.
I feel like he does a lot of foolish things business wise. He only works part-time at his job.
I am nervous about changing my job, and his losing insurance, but he could have gone to work for someone else and gotten insurance, but he chose not to.<p>I guess I have changed since I have been working, but I feel like we should share everything. I think that&#8217;s what Dr. Harley says you should do. Also be honest with each other. He is not honest with me. I realize he thinks I won&#8217;t agree with him about everything, but why go ahead and do it when he knows I&#8217;m going to be upset after the fact.
I no longer do his books, because he told me in so many words it was none of my business. In other words I should go on and work and keep my mouth shut and let him do what he wants at the mobile home park and at his shop.<p>Anyone have any ideas PLEASE share them with me. I really don&#8217;t know what to do at this point. I went to a counselor and psychiatrist, and they both advised me to tell my husband to sell the mobile home park. It was causing too much trouble. They want me to issue an ultimatum to him to sell it by a certain time. But I have chickened out.
He is also very abusive verbally, when he gets mad at me. He also has threatened me. Has come close to hurting me. He tried to choke me once, but finally stopped.<p>PLEASE ADVISE!

It sounds as though your H is very selfish. He wants you to work for someone else so he doesn't have to. He's trying to look good for everyone else, not to the woman who should come first, you. Do you think he was having an affair? I'm not real familiar with all the signs, but it didn't seem like it to me...he was giving money to the woman and her male friend. You are not in a position to take any kind of abuse. If you need to do any confrontations with your H, I don't think you should do it alone. You need out of this situation before your health deteriorates any more. Talk to your counselor some more and read some more on this site. I'm sure someone else will post with more insight than I. I don't think I could hang around with such an angry man. Plan A seems kinda...I don't know. Angry people are hard to reason with. It doesn't matter what you do... What do you think changed his attitude toward you?

I don't know why he changed toward me unless it was because I was becoming more independent since I started working.
He hates responsibility. He loves our children but I don't think he really wanted two(although we discussed it before having both of them.) After the second child, I think he started getting depressed. He thought all the responsibilty was on himself since I wasn't working outside the home. However, I was very careful with money and helped him all I could.<p>No, I don' think he was having an affair. However, I know that he was feeling sorry for this woman because he first home burned etc. Also she told him how sick she was and that she was on disability because of arthritis. I think it's more likely she was on disability because of drug abuse.
She was very demanding and he always seemed to come running every time she called.
The reason I didn't pay any attention to it, he told me she was an old woman. That's what he called her all the time. Guess what? She was my age!
If I got anything for our house, I had to buy it. I paid for the linoleum to go in the bathroom and he wouldn't even go get something to tack it down with. I had to go get it. I think this was his way of punishing me.<p>what you said about his wanting people to think he's doing something is right! He acts like he really works hard, but he doesn't even go to his shop until 1:00pm. He quits about 6:00.
I think I have been a co-dependant and didn't even realize it. I was working and letting hime get by without it.
I went by one day unexpectantly, and he had his feet up reading a magazine.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to kill himself working. But it is very hard for me to not be resentful, when I am going to work crippled up, and he's relaxing.
He is helping me around the house more. I think I finally got through to him about that. How it hurt me for him to not help me.<p>Thank you for your reply,
Prplexed

It does seem alot of men get stressed out over children. They do have a great burden when they are the sole provider. But, to lack any resposibility is inexcusable. He should work a real job, or at least do the one he's doing. Perhaps you can provide him some support in the way of getting some books on running a business. Get them for you to read and the points you want him to read, leave the books open to those pages. It is inticing. If he asks why you got them, tell him you know he's busy and wanted to know what his work is all about. Let him know you think he accepted a great responsibility by purchasing the park. Maybe he just needs to feel appreciated. Venturing a guess, did you show your support with words when he started making these financial decisions? That's a hard thing to do. Maybe he wanted your support and felt he wouldn't get it so he kept you in the dark. There needs to be honesty here on his part. Maybe you could open up the conversation by asking him how his day has gone. Reply without judgement. Say, if he says, "So-and-so's toilet leaked and I needed to fix it today." Say, "I'm glad I don't have that kind of job, in my condition, I would've made a mess even if I did know what I was doing. Which I don't. I'm glad you do." This wouldn't be a lie (unless he didn't know how to fix it.) If he didn't fix it, you might say, "I know YOU'LL think of something." Ask him to be your shelter once in a while. Don't act needy all the time (as long as you are able to do what you can), just once in a while tell him you need his comfort. Does this sound like it may work? I think your H needs adoration. He may not really deserve it right now, but start small. Try to praise him for everything you can. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I hope this helps. How are you doing by the way?

I know what you're saying. I should be more supportive of the decisions he makes. But it is hard. I had to go by his work place this morning to go to the store, and this guys car was sitting in front of my husband's business. My husband was at home. If I say something he will say that this man just hangs around out there and he isn't paying him hardly anything. Almost every time I go by there he is there.
I don't believe the man would stay out there by himself and work, and not get paid hardly anything.
The thing is that my husband is on the lazy side and he's always getting someone else to do his job. That is what happened at the park when he was paying this woman to help him.
I kept accusing him of having some reason for giving her so much to fix her mobile, and he kept defending her. That made me suspect something more. He talked like she was a saint. He said some man was living with her but he was just a friend and that they weren't "lovers." I had never heard him use that phrase before. I said how do you know they're not. He said they didn't act like it when he was around.
I think he likes to feel like a "big shot" around these people and act like he has a lot of money. He even does that around his relatives. When he went into depression and I told them our financial situation, they were shocked! They thought he had lots of money.
When someone asks him to bring them a part or something, he won't even charge them if we know them. They aren't even friends, and yet he doesn't make them pay. I told him this was silly since they won't ask him for anything else, because people like to pay for what they get(if they're honest people.
I have gotten books about business before, but he doesn't read them.
He thinks he knows it all. Even when I showed him on paper what he was making, he didn't believe me.<p>He is very stubborn, and will not listen to me.
His business is his and mine is mine.
It's real hard for me to agree to the things he's doing when I'm kiling myself trying to keep things going.
He's paying someone to help him, when he doesn't even have a one-man job.
He doesn't work at the park any more. He is just renting spaces now. But he is going to pay this man to work over there etc.
I was just upset that he didn't even discuss it with me at all!
If it's not my business, why am I working to pay off bills that he made changing businesses?
I took my stock and paid our house off. I told him I didn't want him to run any more credit on the house. He had a credit line using the house as collateral.<p>It's not that I'm worried about money, or worried about what I do, it's just the way he treats me.
He's not including me in this marriage.
I tried to get him to discuss me going back to part-time and him getting insurance somewhere else and he won't discuss it with me. He just acts smart and says, you do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do. Whatever that means.<p>Thanks again for your replies. It helps to get another perspective. I know it's hard for someone else to understand from writing these posts, how things are.
We both have resentments against each other, and as long as he tries to keep things secret from me I don't know what to do.<p>
Prplexed

Bumping this up for replies. Are you still there Prplexed?

Hi,<p>Take a look at the book, his needs/her needs. There may be a lot of info there that may help the both of you understand the thinking process of the other. If you H won't read it, then you can and see how much you can benefit by it. You have been through a lot and I think this will help. <p>Let us know how you are doing!<p>Take Care,
L.

Have you tried any of the divorcebusting techniques? There are two books divorcebusting and The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. There is also a web site www.divorcebusting.com.<p>There are also books like How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and books on how to talk to your man - just do a search on Amazon.<p>Even James Dobson in Love Must Be Tough has some advice.<p>If you want to go the Marriage Builders route, then you need to read His Needs/Her Needs and the info. on this site and see if your husband will participate with you adn fill out the questionaires from this site. There is a reason he's doing this. It's just hard to get them to open up and find out why.<p>I'd actually start with the MB info. and then try some of those other books and then go to Divorcebusting and then Dobson. The key will be to educate yourself about what is going on through these resources and then try the exercises they recommend. It won't be a quick fix - it will take weeks maybe months to see changes, and alot of work on your part.So get started ASAP. Good Luck. K