I've been in Plan B for almost 6 months now, and my WH has been living with the OW. During this time our only contact has been via email, a handful of emails that are strictly business only. He never asks how I am, or even about our pets that he used to adore. <p>It's easier for me this way, just seeing that he's sent me an email upsets me. I don't even know if I'd want him back, should he snap out of it and be remorseful. We have no children to worry about.<p>It's just such a puzzle to me how he can have abandoned our 17 year marriage like this. We were so close and loving, when he worked we'd phone and email several times a day. We used to do everything together. Is he so deeply in the fog that he doesn't think of me at all? In a different post someone wrote that the WS does think of us, but there is no sign of this from my husband. What do you think, has he shut me out so completely that I don't even enter his mind?<p>Evensong

I'm sorry you have had no sign from him yet. How are you doing? Are you occupying yourself? I'm not suggestingyou give up hope, but have you tried to do things that make yourself happy? (I imagine it doesnt seem possible sometimes) <p>Hang in there!<p>-HI

My situation is a little differnt in that the OW was married and my H lived in his own apartment, and I didnt officially do plan B, but he did. He moved out in September and did not contact me at all, even to let me know where he was. Fianally saw him at Xmas for an hour, then in Feb for taxes, then in March he asked to come home. So you never know. If I had to guess at the time I would have said he never thought of me , but who knows.

Hi Evensong,<p>Good to see U!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am sorry your H is still off in fogland. How can one change soo much? I still ponder that myself. Almost like they are hit with a virus and no medicine of reason seems to help. <p>Some take longer than others. Give the OW some rope and maybe they will ....... I will leave that up to your imagination. <p>How are you doing? I have been thinking about you but don't see you much on this side. I even went to the d/d site looking for you this past week. <p>Take care & Hugz,
L.

evensong, I am sorry... I am sure he must think of you.. but I am sure in his guilt.. they have it... he is really feeling bad... and does prefer to close the door for now, in order to feel better about his wrongdoing. I am sorry, do things for you! Build yourself to be prepared that it will not work out... it may, so save some hope... but take care of you. Hugs, HONEY

Thanks everyone,<p>I still read the board every day, it helps me a lot somehow. <p>Just over a week ago I had to decide to have one of my beloved pets put to sleep, after a struggle to save his life at the vet. I can't tell you how much I loved him, I've been very upset since his death. <p>My WH has made sure that I can't reach him except by email, and at the moment he's away camping for 6 weeks (so he said in his last email). I couldn't even ask his opinion on what to do about our pet, and he doesn't even know that he's died. I find that this just makes me feel like I can't ever forgive him, that our pet was dying while WS was off with his wh.re. <p>Luckily I have some family to help me, but they of course did not know my pet as well as I do, and as my husband does. My loss seems far worse because I do not have someone (husband) to share precious memories with. Does that make sense?<p>I've taken all the previous advice I've been given of looking after myself, and try hard to give myself treats. This really is the first time in my life I've been able to think only of myself (well, except for the other pets I have). It's kind of nice. I've bought a new wardrobe (my husband used to pick my clothes), tried wearing make-up (good fun as it's all new to me, and I'm 37 years old!), and eat whatever I feel like. I fully expect my husband to divorce me, once the mandatory 1 year seperation is up. <p>I guess we all want the answer to 'why', 'how can he/she', 'what are they thinking'. My mind tries to veer off into thoughts of WS being nice to OW, I have to stop it. I have to remember that the man who is now with OW is NOT the man who was my husband - my husband would never have behaved like this. The man my husband is now is someone I despise. I wish the dreams would stop, where I try to reason with him, or where he's looking so handsome to me. It would be easier for me if he'd just died.<p>Evensong

Hi Evensong,<p>First, let me say that yes, you'll have to start thinking of the man you married almost as if he was dead. That was one of the ways I made it thru. I still see and talk to my STBXH, and we get along actually fairly well, but I know in my heart that the man I married is gone.<p>I'm not saying it's over for you. There is the possibility he will "wake up" and come out of the fog. But even so, he won't be the same person. <p>Secondly, I am sooo sorry about your pet. I know exactly how you feel. Last week one of my kitties was killed by my neighbors dogs. It has me heartbroken. This was one of three kitties that were abondoned at our local dump right before Christmas 2000, my first Christmas alone. They have been very, very special angels to me. I miss her so much.<p>Anyway, I also agree with the others who say the reason he doesn't seem to miss you, or think of you, etc. is because of the guilt. He can't allow himself to think that way because number one, it would hurt him so bad to realized what he's done to you, and number two, it wouldn't allow him to continue in his immoral relationship with the OW. He has to totally block that out.<p>After two years, my H is just now starting to say that he thinks I'm a "nice person" and that he still "loves me" and always will. (He's still living with OW and has no desire to reconcile - me neither.) But even those sparse admissions are almost relayed off-handedly. In fact, in a conversation we were having yesterday re: our divorce, at one point he addressed me as "Sweetie." Weird. Oh well.<p>Take care of yourself and focus on you, and your happiness. It may sound selfish, but it isn't....you have to do it right now. <p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Hi just been askin myself the same question. H been livin with OW almost 1yr. Had no contact with his 3 kids for nearly 16mths when he told me of affair, he wrote 1 note to give them his new address(they have never used it.) once a mth he sends check and a brief note once he has asked after them, once after our pets, hopes I am getting stronger or that I am ok. I am no better spent the last week in tears at almost everything, tv,music etc. on our rare conversations after alot of pleading etc in begin I now try to be cheerful and no LB. see no change as yet. I know I need to move on accept this is it, althou H never mentioned D but what the head knows doesn,t get thro to my heart Feel like my feet are in clay. When does it get better, know what u mean about H having died bein easier. Came off my antidepressants about 3 wks ago and now just cry, H loved his kids, has been ill since he started livin with W His daughter told him she will have no contact til he gives this OW up, he says he can,t. 30yrs How do I start again when I don,t know what happened to my old life. Even if I give up hope will that make me able to live again?? SO TIRED OF THIS ME, Ashamed of how weak I am unable to start again, but so lonely and need some love.NAEJ