Hello,<p>I've been lurking for a while and try to focus on the sucess stories. I'd like some feedback about the M's that were restored, and having a "good" relationship, was the relationship good before the A, and now it can pick back up?<p>Or are there any M's out there where it had been terrible for a long time, where neither one knew how to have a healthy relationship, and LB'd & didn't meet EN's. In other words, CAN AN OLD DOG LEARN NEW TRICKS??????<p>Your responses would be appreciated!

I would say that it is definetly possible to learn a more approriate way to interrelate, and that the MB principals and concepts are a great way to start.

Nina too,<p>Thanks for your response. I am wondering how or what couples do go through in order to drow, to learn to apply the principals and what it takes.<p>I am feeling frustrated. As the BS, I've come to realize through lots of work on myself, that we truley did not have a good R prior to A's. I can see things more clearly now & no way do I want our old M back. <p>I try to follow sucess stories & it seems (Could be that I'm wrong) that couples who basic had a good R could return to the M & apply these new prinicples & have an even better M.<p>Could it be that it just takes a lot more work when recovering from an A or (A's) when the R wasn't very healthy to begin with????<p>Am I making any sense here?<p>Are there sucess stories out there???<p>Your responses are very much appreciated!!!

willgetthruthis<p>I am a success story. My FWH had an A for over a year with a coworker. DDay was 7-9-01. No contact since 10-24-01. It was Hell getting through this. I found MB right after dday. I printed the material and read all of it. I selected some to give to H. I did a good Plan A. But all along was taking care of things if H did leave. <p>The kids knew about A. I told them. No details just Daddy has a girlfried. H behavior had really gotten bad. He was depressed. Pre A H was an easy going, funny, guy. Treated us with respect. That was gone. Here was this monster we had to live with.<p>We have been married for 11 years. Pre A we had a good M. My H was and still is a wonderful H.<p>We talked, talked and did more talking. I taught him how to express his feelings. (men hate to do this) As I learned all about the needs meeting them etc... I shared all this with him.<p>Now our M is better than before the A. Hard to believe, but true. Now he even likes all the attention I give him and of course I love all the atterntion he gives me. We still talk about everything...<p>He works at night so spending time together during the week is hard. But he calls me from work and we spend the weekend with each other.<p>He plays soccer which takes up alot of time. I really hated it. But we have talked about it and have come to an agreement about the time. He will get someone else to help with the team and take some weekends off doing things I enjoy.<p>He really is/was a wonderful husband before the A. During the A he got depressed and withdrawn. Was on meds for a couple of months. I am still on them and will wean myself off in a few weeks.<p>Hope this helps. <p>There is light at the end of the tunnel.<p>I do know how lucky I am to have my M better now. I do thank God and the people here for helping me get through this and still be sane.<p>Good luck and stay strong !!<p>
SLH

Hi Will,<p>Maybe we don't learn new tricks - in the sense that a trick is designed to achieve a short term result, like a smile or a laugh, and then the recipient rewards the dog with a biscuit - which was the dog's goal anyway when he learnt to perform the new trick. <p>Maybe what we do is modify our behaviour so that people around us and people who might potentially interact with us interact in way that is more pleasureable and thereby improve the quality of our own lives.<p>If your relationship has been following a pattern of negative responses for a long period of time then it's probably going to take a long time to heal because both parties need time to undo the 'old' learned behavioural responses and learn new ones. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.<p>For example, pick any trigger for your wife and try to change her reaction by acting very differently next time this situation arises. Then register how much energy you needed to use to BE different. Not easy, huh.<p>It can be done, Will. I'm still trying to be a different me but my relationship has been VERY different since I started TRYING. I guess, if there is a trick involved, it's to decide to TRY and then get your wife involved in the trying. You can't improve the relationship if BOTH parties aren't committed.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]<p>[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

WillGetThruThis ~<p>I guess you can call my story a success.<p>My marriage was extremely dysfunctional, and neither of us had a clue how to be married.<p>We made each other miserable for 9 years. Our marriage was HELL. My H started his affair and he moved out. He fully intended to divorce me, and considered our marriage dead and over when he took up with his OW. <p>Fast forward from Nov 99 when he met OW to now. We have used Marriage Builders princples to recover our marriage and we are stronger and far more healthier than we have ever been. We've been in recovery for 8 months, and he's been back at home for 7. We still have our bumps in the road and we both make mistakes, and I know I haven't recovered my trust. But I am feeling far more confident that we CAN be OK. And he really really tries. <p>Both of us talk about our "new" marriage. Neither of us want the old one back!