To make a long story short so I can get to the problem at hand....I found out about 7 months ago through very detailed and explicit e-mails(# of times, amount of climaxes,favorite positions and on)from my wifes lover about her affair. We have since resovled the affair(It's over), I have forgiven her(she is my soulmate and best friend)and we both agree that we want to stay together.
I can't seem to get the images out of my head and anytime we make love I find myself getting down. Having read the details in the e-mails I can't help but think that I will never give her the pleasure that this man gave her. It eats away at me constantly, she tells me that she doesn't compare us but how can she not. It has brought about a great big barrier in regards to intamacy between us and is starting to erode our solid friendship. I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand and the more I try the deeper I get. Please help.

You might try looking at the situation in another way.<p>You wouldn't care about your W's lovers prior to your marriage right? Why? because that was the past and it's over and done with.<p>Well why not try to look it at it that at the time of your W's A you did not have a W (in the truest sense of the word) but a roomate. That was the past and it's over and done with.<p>Now you do have a W who probably is wiser in not falling into an A, who has chosen YOU above ALL other men to be her companion and lover of her own free will.<p>Her ex lover is pissed because of that fact and he knows that he has lost her to a BETTER MAN (YOU) and his ego can not stand it.<p>In other words YOU WON AND HE LOST.<p>Good luck and God bless you and your wife.<p>Joe

Are you two in counseling, I would suggest to your w, and if she is not open to it, go alone... I know it can ehlp alot... try to find a Marriage builders endorsing therapist... go to the counseling page on this site, and call and ask for names in your city, and you can truly rebuild your intimacy and your marriage... there is much to rebuild after such a downfall. I am sorry you are there... for now , I have been able to have sex... but it is getting harder for me with my H, who is still seperated from me... and he has not spoken with his lover for 2 whole weeks,... I unfortunately did not get grand details... but lies.. .he says they did not actually do it... he could not get it hard for her... and he left me to try to be with her??/ yeah, right. I know it is difficult... I am sorry you are in this sitauiton. My prayers go out to you, that this part of your marriage along with others that led to the affair, be healed.<p>HONEY

Thanks for your replies. My W has no desire to go to any type of therapy. But I'm thinking I might go for myself. I hate to say it but right now I think I might be the one who needs it most. I know I am doing damage by bringing it up over an over again. I just need to move through this phase.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by dskef:
<strong>Thanks for your replies. My W has no desire to go to any type of therapy. But I'm thinking I might go for myself. I hate to say it but right now I think I might be the one who needs it most. I know I am doing damage by bringing it up over an over again. I just need to move through this phase.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>She may find it painful to relive, just like you, the A and that may be why she has no desire for therapy. Although later she might need to since she still works with OM and his constant presence at work may become a source of great stress for her. <p>Have you discussed with her the possibility of her finding another job to get away from OM?<p>But in the meantime you need to go see one to help you conquer your problems of intimacy with her.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Thanks Joe,
Right now the Job market has pretty much dried up so another job for her right now is pretty much out the window for now. I know it has to be a stress for her but fortunatly the company lets them work from home frequently so their days together in the office are infrequent. I'm going to look into a therapist for myself.. I am also thinking that a seperation might be a good thing hopefully allowing the both of us to get the A behind us and move on. We are still best friends and get along great, no fighting, just these images and feelings on my end and guilt and remorse on hers. We can't seem to go very long without it coming up in conversation and it's a killer when it does. Thanks for being there to sound off to.
Darryl

Hi: I normally do not reply to to many of these threads but I have been where you are at. I hate to say it but you reminding yourself of the sex is a major lovebuster. It keeps bringing up past mistakes. Your wife sounds alot like mind in her mind the affair is over and her and the other male are just friends. It hurts you and Dr. Harley says that in a affair the lovers must never see each other again period. That is the idea way but my wife still works with the guy also. It is very uncomfortable for me. My wife hated the idea of Dr. Harley. She did alright for awhile and we read some and went to the workshop and did most of the coarse together but now she wants to go on and never here about this again. I would not seperate being together is more important. Your wife may comsider it a deseration and hold it against you for leaving her. The best friends is the place to start. Go see a MC and talk to him about your feelings. Talking to your wife about them (sexual problems) is emotional abuse. Believe me that is hard to admit to yourself but it is. It is subtle but abuse the same. Remember most of this is about fixing yourself and then letting your spouse see the changes. I talked to my wife about the sex in to her affair and had major(still do ) problems with it but while I was talking to her about it she thought I was calling her a whore. There is pain on both sides of this and your wife hurts because she hurt you. I think the reason most affairs do not cause a divorse is because they are a cry for help. Very painful but still a cry.The aftermath is what drives couples apart. One of the other answer asked if you would care about your spouses sex live befor you. I would it may be a man thing but we like to think we are good lovers and the best our wifes have had. She is with you because she wants to be , you are a better man. They say sex does not matter as much to women it is the emothional attachment. She is your friend. Please be hers and do not talk to her about it. If you want to vent do it here or to a MC. never to her.