Despite my wife telling me that her internet friend is just a friend
I have more doubts every day. Here is an excerpt of some
conversations recorded by tracking software. Please tell me what you
all think or at least confirm what I think. Thanks<p>Him: I think we have alot of courage but we do not know how to fight
for what we want.
Her: The biggest battles are those we fight inside us.
Him: Yes, we are killing off our dreams and losing the courage to
keep fighting.
Her: No, its not about courage, its about our responsabilities and
the the rules of society.
Him: Lets talk about adventure, our adventure. Ours is an adventure,
a dream.
Her: I dont see it that way.
Him: Your know perfectly what I am talking about, your intellegent.
You know what I mean. Responsablities don´t mean enough to me.
Her: There is a rule in friendship and that is sincerity and
tranparency. What do you want to say?
Him: Then we understand that we have a friendship, our friendship.
Not that of my companion and your.... It,s a different frienship.
Through this screen you have sent me messages, all kinds of messages.
Her: I searched you out to fulfill a need I had to talk.
Him: Dont you know that friendship is a give and take arrangement.
Are you not aware of my needs.
Her: I thought I was filling your needs as well.
Him: But my dream and my needs. Ive shown you I can talk but I am not
satisfied with that alone.

Hmmmm..... She wants to talk. He wants more...<p>Is that what you get? That's what I got...<p>It sounds like HE is pushing for more. I hope she finds the courage to DUMP this guy... AND to tell you if she feels pressured by him.<p>Maybe you could print the article and discuss with your W about Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty. (Without making demands or accusing her through disrespectful judgments.)<p>Next thing I would suggest is this plan you could use to more effectively meet your wife's need for conversation:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

I have read my H chat conversation before. Its so painful to think that someone you love is getting thier EN fufilled elsewhere. Life would be so much easier if everyone would talk openly about thier feelings and not have to resort to other means.<p>Talk to your wife. Explain how you feel, and I hope she wl do the same b4 this 'friendship" gets to the level where they meet.

I would somehow reveal that you know this, whatever your problems may be, she is dealing with a predator. Maybe not reveal directly, but somehow get her to talk about the subject similarly with you (just don't let on you have some insight). That transcript was not a freindship transcript at all, it is a pursuit.

Amen!!! I lost my post somehow. You have a chance here before something terrible happens, like I did. Go away for the weekend where there is no computer. Get His Needs, Her Needs, and Plan A her like crazy. And commit that this is something you will need to do for the rest of your life. Read everything you can about conversation including the love busters on this site. Do it, unless you want her to begin something with this man. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Richritchey,<p>I am a BS.....but several years ago....I was in a situation....VERY similar to your wives.
I searched out someone to talk to because I had a need to talk to someone that would listen.....not give advise....just listen and maybe try to understand what I was going through.<p>I found that person....a man. And oh boy does he sound just exactly like your W's friend.<p>Maybe this will help you if I tell you how I felt talking to this man after a while.<p>At first....it was like heaven sent....someone that would listen to me....not judge me...not talk back about....just listen.
Then....he started making suggetions....just like your W's friend.
At first I brushed them off......I explained that I had no desire to cheat on my husband....just make our marriage better and long lasting.
This went on for months.....I never really thought about meeting him....talking to him on the phone......just talking to him when I felt the need to talk.
Actually.....in this all...I felt a little trapped. I liked talking to him because he listened......but I was getting weary of all the suggestions. I felt like I had a bond with him though since I had told him all the intimate details of my marriage. I just thought that he would get the message and ease off with his suggestions.
He didn't.......they began to surface more and more and got more and more detailed.
Then I relaized....he never cared about anything that I told him.
What he saw was someone that he thought he could take advantage of. A married woman who was in a troubled marriage. The perfect puppet.
My H found a history of a conversation that I had with him and confronted me with it....he was devastated.
My H asked me to wrote this man an email and I did.....my H read it and I sent it off....haven't talked to that man since that day.<p>I think with time given.....your W will realize that this friend of hers is the same way.
I think that she is already realizing it in a way.<p>Hard to believe....and I just realized this.......this happened almost 3 years ago and back then we practiced MB principles.

Rich<p>Be afraid BE VERY AFRAID<p>My WW OM was 1000 miles away. Talked on internet for months. progress to phone calls. Then he came to visit for 2 days. She took personal time from work and didn't tell me which she spent with him during the day. 6 months later she quit job and moved 1000 miles to be with him. 5 months later we are rebuilding. <p>Stopping it before it goes to far is a lot easier than rebuilding.

Before I was a BS, I was a WS. This is what happened to me but it was phone, not email. Your wife is showing signs of discomfort -- that is to your advantage. A weekend hell, take her away for at least a week -- no computers. Surprise her with tickets. Call her boss and arrange it. Read HNHN together. Don't even stop to think about what to do, do it now!! I think if you do this, she will tell you about this OM while you are gone. Start counseling as soon as you get back.<p>View this as the crisis it is and make it an opportunity to recreate your M! Avoid the pain that goes along with a full-blown A! I am sorry that I sound frantic and urgent, but I hope that tells you something.<p>Good Luck!!

How did you get this snippet of conversation? Did you use a keystroke monitor? Or did she just leave it on the screen?<p>If you did find it innocently (meaning no snooping), then share your discovery with her with no anger or love busting. <p>If not, then do share the article about radical honesty with her. See if you can lead the conversation down a road to get her to bring it up… For example. Talk about any unmet needs you have. How sometimes you miss her so much as the two of you do not spend enough time together. <p>How much time does she spend on the computer? What hours of the day is she on it? Well, if she is busy being swept off her feet by you, she cannot be on the computer can she? Take her on weekend trips. If you have kids, get a babysitter and go out done dates. Every night of the week for a while if you need to. Go on long, romantic (and good for you) walks daily. Find out what her EN’s are (see the EN questionnaire) and shower her with attention, affection (read romance) and admiration. Win her back before you loose her. But one caution, these changes in you have to be permanent or they will not work in the long run. <p>Above all your wife has reached out because some of her needs are not being filled. My advice is that you read the book “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Start Plan A’ing your wife like crazy. Put the spark back into your marriage. This guy does not seem to have much of a real hold on her yet.

I do realize the fact that our communication is
and has not always been up to her liking is due to her always critizing me when we do talk. Who would want to
talk under these circumstances?
I already posted some of their conversations that have been
going on for over 11 months. Here is some more. Always the same, they start off with
how are you´s, chit chat and then him laying into her that she is not
living her dreams and desires. That she is free and no one can tell
her what to do with an intimate part of her life that only belongs to
her and them. Thats his credo and his philosophy.<p>What I find curious is how they both feel like victims, trapped in
their situations, not able to live the freedom they desire. (ie
having romantic relationships) There conversations are always full
of indirects. For example.<p>HER: It´s true, our relationship is giving me strange sensations
HIM: Sensations or desires?
HER: I´m interested in meeting you
HIM: OK me too. Like you always say "Destiny will take us where it
must"
HER: Peter, my marriage is not giving me all that I need and want but
I want to improve it and make it last. It´s true you are in my mind
and stimulate my thinking. But I do not want to have an affair with
you or anybody.
HIM: You know we do not think alike, an affair does´nt mean a
marriage breakup. It can be a fine tuning.<p>AND SO ON......<p>Even when I was in intensive care with near death complications after
heart surgery thay were in contact. They had not yet even spoken by
telephone. He had convinced her to calling him saying, " Call me,
you need to talk, do it for your husband". Of course the next week
he wanted to talk again but this time is was not for me.<p>What bugged me the most is that then crap went on for months. My wife
checking her mail 5-6 times a day, chatting 3-4 times a week. Always
when I was working. E-post cards of flowers. Erasing the Windows
registers. What was going on here??<p>Well they finally did meet during Christmas.
Apparently nothing drastic happened as I did know where and when so I
called her cell an hour or so later and she was already with our
kids. They chatted again recaping their meeting and
there "friendship" then a telephone call during their chat. Since
then it´s all telephone and I´ve lost track.<p>I really don´t think anything will happen with this guy as he is not
very attractive and lives a 1000 miles away. It´s tommorow and
someone closer that really concerns me. I think this may be a trial
run in some way for her.<p>I did not get married to have to deal with this garbage. I have
learned much more who I married to and I am really debating my future
with her. I have tryed to be more communicative to her but she still
ran to the computer. She knows I know about him and constanly reminds
me I have no right to infringe on her actions as she sees nothing
wrong. Only if she knew what I really know. <p>My family and close friends do not want to see me suffer every day
not knowing what will be her next move. The reality if it was not
for my kids, I would have brought all of this out in the open and
probably would call it a day. She is loving to me and we have no
problems in bed, so I am even more confused. What I do know is what
I mentioned before. Some people such as her and some of her friends
are perfectly capable of leading double lifes. They have their
families, spouses and lovers. I am not made of that material so time
will tell what destiny has to offer. All I want to know is what she
really wants, so we can both decide. <p>Thanks again for listening
Rich