WS wants to seperate, but NOT through the courts. Wants to go to a hotel for a few weeks. But she wants to have the kids on her days off and every other weekend. During that time, she wants ME to go to the hotel. Her entire point is that she would miss me and the family, house, etc. Why would i let her come back into the house and kick me out to answer HER questions in her mind ? <p>Why not kick her out legally and make her deal with reality like having the 3 kids and living in the little hotel room all weekend ? What am i missing here ? More fence sitting and cake eating...i think not...Time to take care of me and the kids and let the chips fall where they may in the REAL WORLD !! <p>Please give me your opinions....

Being mean to her will not help the situation. That does not mean you need to be a doormat. If she wants to seperate, she needs to live with the consequences and, in my opinion, should not be let back (to live/sleep in the house) until she decides she wants the marriage to continue.<p>I would not go to a hotel room. If she wants the kids on the weekend, then work out a POJA that you both agree to. Giving her the house on the weekend is letting her be a cakeater.<p>Be nice, be kind, and be firm. What you do, you do to protect yourself and your family. Don't show anger in these situations, even if she does (and she likely will).

If she wants this seperation then let her take the responsibility of making sure that she finds a place that is big enough for her to have visitation with the kids.<p>Not only will you going to a hotel while she stays with the kids be letting her have her cake and eat it too......but it will WAY too confusing for the kids. <p>Don't get mean about it....that will only inflame the whole thing and make things worse. Remember......the WS doesn't think clearly....therefore....their suggestions aren't realistic.....just things to make it easier on themselves......and always ending up making it harder for us BS's.<p>Maybe the trial seperation is a good idea......but she is the one that needs to go....and make sure she has room for the kids.<p>Too much confusion for the kids already.....no need to confuse them anymore.

My first priority in life are my children.<p>I could not handle "visiting" my kids rather than feeling like their parent. I'm sure your wife is hurting at the thought of having no "home" for them, trying to spend her parenting time in a hotel -- without the clothing, toys, etc.<p>My H has suggested a separation rather than divorce, and one of the primary reasons that I won't do that is because I have a NEED to provide my children with a home. He wants me to get a small apartment and tells me I can see the kids as much as I want. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing as you -- that will be a reality check for me and I'll come running home.<p>Well guess what? I'll just get divorced. I'll get my own home, I'll fight for custody. And I will provide my children with a comfortable happy home.<p>So Sad Daddy -- if your wife is only talking about separating for a few weeks, but still wanting to spend time at home, you may want to re-think the hard line your taking. She may decide as I have that its better to just get started creating a new life and home.<p>If you want to make it hard on her, it may backfire on you.

Sad Daddy,<p>sorry to hear about this man.<p>Basically, I agree with the other comments here that the kids are the most important people to consider and that they could confused with the hotel room proposal.<p>If your wife wants a trial separation for a few weeks what about having her move out for a specific time period - say 4 weeks - to sort her head out. During this time - she has no contact with you or the family. <p>This way you could explain to the children that mum is going away for a holiday. During her absence she can have phone contact and that's it.<p>This might sound harsh but the reality of a separation is harsh. It serves only your wife's purposes to soften the blow.<p>take care my friend and again, I'm sorry that your wife is putting you through this.<p>- Freddy

Thanks for the comments. <p>Spoken as a TRUE WS Lexxy...<p>
Letting her have her cake and eat it too is what got us here. Coming and going in her own house isn't going to make her miss anything. Facing that reality will. I don't intend to be harsh about it or make her mad. I do intend to protect me and my kids. <p>I do plan to tell her that i won't persue the "D"..just filed it to protect me and the kids and it's the LAST THING that i really want. She wants to seperate...she got it..but under my terms. Reality is that hotel room and NOT being able to get into her house. Finding a place for her and the kids for the weekend...and things to entertain them...IS reality. <p>She wants it..she is choosing it..so give it to her...ALL OF IT.

I understand your position and your thought process.<p>Just wanted to point out that when faced with hotel rooms and "visiting" rather than parenting, it may push your wife into divorce.<p>Just be prepared for that as her reality instead of the one you're choosing for her.<p>My H also tried to choose that for me. Suggested that I go stay with my parents or get a small apartment. <p>So I'm creating my own new reality.

Lexxy, <p>I appreciate your comments as well..but it's NOT the reality that i am choosing..it's the one she wants. She is already gone in mind, spirit..all i have is her body. This is what SHE thinks she wants. So if this will make her happy...that's all i told her i wanted for her anyway..was to be happy. With or without me. <p>I know it is a risky position, but NOT doing it puts me at a total risk that she would do all this to me and i DON'T want that to happen. I dont want to seperate at all...but i don't have alot of options. She has all the cards...she just won't put them on the table or play them.<p>Lexxy, no hard feelings..i hope that you also find the happiness that you want. <p>Good luck to all of us in what we are trying to do......

Sad Daddy,<p>Lexxxy has a valid point. But, I think you are feeling that the marriage is over already, so your risk is really minimal. Your W has all of the cards except a few. One of the few you hold is that she cannot tell you what to do. That is not a very persuasive card but it can help protect the children.<p>I realize your W cannot choose between you and OM and seems to refuse to do it. Frankly, she cannot because she has no new data. Her separation will provide new data, so will not switching back and forth between the house and hotel room. So will a divorce. All provide new data.<p>What your W may not fully realize is how close YOU are to giving up on HER. She may intellectually understand that new data brings with it new problems and other problems become insoluable, but emotionally she probably doesn't You divorce her, she loses the marriage.<p>So talk with her about this. Stand firm on the no residence switching, but at the same time see if you two can agree on alternatives that do lessen the impact on the children. Perhaps she can come over for all of Sat./Sun. and do things with the kids while you are also there. Not a complete separation, but perhaps a better compromise. <p>Nevertheless, she doesn't have all of the cards, the existence of this marriage and her presence in it is as much your choice as hers. You can terminate it as well. It only takes one to do that. Use your cards wisely Sad Daddy, but as you know this marriage is over, the only issue is whether the two of you will be a new one together.<p>Hope something I have said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I am NOT giving up on her. I want her and have made that VERY CLEAR. What i am trying to do is to seperate from her and protect me and my kids. Her plan of seperation doesn't really seperate anything...she still has everything she wants AND him. In her seperation..she is seperating from me and the kids and responsibilities of it all...not him. She will still call him all the time and probably see him. <p>She hasn't choosen me in 18 months anyway...why would she if something doesn't change ?? I realize it's an out for her..and i don't want that. I am between a rock and a REAL hard place. She has me painted in a corner and i don't have many choices to try and save my marriage. <p>TOUGH LOVE sucks.

18 months is a long time. I have a question for you and it's pretty direct. Why do you still want her?