I saw my counselor yesterday aftrnoon and I explained about this site and what advice you all had given about telling. After much discussion he agreed that I should tell my husband about my affair and that I should be prepared for the fallout.<p>I was afraid but I followed through. We had supper and put the kids to bed and my husband disappeared to be with his TV. I got on line and printed my first and second postings. I walked in and said "I need your full attention I have to talk to you". I received a grunted reply and a half look, you know back and forth between me and the TV. I said that I had seen my counselor and that I had somethings to say. He replied "can it wait 10 minutes this show is almost over". I said please just read this and I'll be back. I handed him the print outs and he went right back to watching "Charmed".<p>I waited until 10 minutes after the show ended and went back to where he was. He was watching some movie and I said "hi did you read what I gave you?" He replied simply "yes". I said "Just yes? No comments or questions? He paused his movie and looked at me and said "Jaye what do you want me to say? I'm not a fool of course I knew. I'm not blind and I know you aren't happy but I'm doing the best I can do. I don't have nothing else to say". Then he turned and pushed the play button on his precious remote and I walked away in tears.<p>So back to square one. I called my counselor and I will go there on Monday. I guess I was right all along and his "mistress" is more important than anything. <p>Peace J

JC,<p> I am sorry he did that. I just don't understand someone who could have that reaction to the information you provided him. <p> Perhaps it is time to consider leaving for a while. Assuming you still want to try to wake him up, a trial seperation could be the ticket. <p> jd

I am for the trial seperation, do you have a job? Hugs, sorry he is so far gone... be careful, and weigh all decisions before you make them. HONEY

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my assumption from an earlier post of yours was that you would be willing to leave your husband for the OM as long as you stayed in the same general vicinty of your H for your kids. If you were willing to leave him then now it's time you do so. NOT for the OM but for yourself. Accepting your affair and saying I'm trying and then going back to watch TV is not trying. He really needs a wake up call to realize what he's going to lose. Maybe if he hits rock bottom he'll change for the better, if not you'll still be better off on your own than miserable the way you are. <p>So the question is if your so unhappy what's holding you back from leaving?

Everyone here has good advice and I am listening to it. My counselor and I both expected a different response than what I got. This one was a real shocker, not so much that he knew because I thought he did, but because he doesn't care.<p>Now I have decisions to make. The first one is to move out as soon as I can. And yes I have a job and we'll be fine financially. The next is to explain it to my girls. They are 10 and 7 that will be the hard part.<p>Damn him and his TV and damn me for what I did. It's hard to believe that this isn't all a dream.<p>Peace J

J-C - all I can say is....damn it! Hopefully he will respond more, once it "sinks in?" who knows.
You need to make him shut off that stupid tv and talk to you , easier said than done I know.
I hope you find your way through this.

J-C,
I&#8217;ve not read any of your previous post and don&#8217;t know the story line, I just bounced over here from the Recovery board and found this post interesting. <p>Again not knowing the story I would like to share my reaction when W told me. I can&#8217;t even believe it myself.<p>We had just finished meeting the SF need.

Her &#8211; Have you ever cheated on me?
Me - No, Have you?
Her &#8211; Yes I had an affair but it is over.
Me &#8211; Did you shower?(What the H$LL was that)
Her &#8211; Yes
Me &#8211; OK then, goodnight.<p>I went to sleep and never mentioned it for 3 full days. Not a word, I think I was in such shock I couldn&#8217;t react. I guess I thought I could bury it and it would go away. 3 days later it hit me and the bottom fell out of my world. 1 ½ years later I&#8217;m still here fighting to put my life back together.<p>The mind is a strange place, maybe he is in shock and can&#8217;t feel it yet.<p>Just a thought<p>oz

A marriage takes 2, and he should know that... buy him a copy of Surviving an affair, or refer him to this website to read... let him know you are willing and ready to work on the marriage, but it takes 2... that is the kind of advice my counselor gave... although.. it was not about a tv, but aother woman.. good luck, and here's to your happiness, HOney

J-C:<p>I am surprised and not surprised by your H's reaction. He is in the throes of an addiction - with the tv "drug" he can lose himself in the "fantasy" of his progams and insulate himself from all the feelings, issues and problems of the real world. Even when it is crumbling around him. I've seen it before, as my father was an alcoholic and as long as he had something to drink, everything was ok and nothing could hurt him. It was only when our entire family and his friends did an "intervention" that he sought help for his problem. And it worked!!<p>I truly feel your pain. My concern is that given his recent reaction to your news, if you state your intention to leave, he may withdraw even more. Truly, at some point you have to think of yourself and your Cs, but talk to your MC. Run the idea of an "intervention" (which would include family and ideally, friends) by him, to be followed by some kind of addiction treatment program.<p>If this fails, by all means do what you need to do to look after yourselves and begin a separation process for a period of time.<p>I say all this because your H right now is not a rational human being. Don't look at the tv as a mistress - its much more than that. Its a drug.<p>God Bless!!!

Dang J-C....you tried. Maybe he is in shock. I don't know what else to say except I don't think he is willing to meet any of your needs, emotional or physical. If you are that unhappy, then I'm sure your kids see it also. It's time for you to make your stand, and while I'm not sure how you should do that, it must be done. You seem like you have given him every chance, now it's time to start fixing yourself. I'm sorry it didn't help. I hope he comes to his senses before it's too late. You have my prayers and he has my sympathy for what he is going to lose.<p>John

Hi, I am shocked by your husband's reaction! You mentioned in your earlier posts that he works 12 hours a day, is his work strenuous, tedious, or in any way exhausting? Does he work 5 or 6 days a week? Is it possible that he has found another "interest" that is squeezed into his workday? I don't understand how he watches so much TV. He could be clinically depressed. Does he keep up after himself, or do you keep everything ready for him, ie. laundry, meals, paying bills, etc.? Does he have any friends, and is his family local? It seems that you two are cohabitating. How long has it been since you really felt married? If he is unwilling to even discuss his needs, and he is withdrawing when you attempt to display yours, something big must happen to get both of you involved in marriage life again. From what you have said, even if you file for D, as long as it doesn't interfere with his programming, it won't be a big deal for him. How does he interact with the children? Does he show interest in anyone? What if you sold all of the big TV's and bought a handhelp one for him to watch? That does sound drastic, but to make a point, that must be how you feel, as insignificant as a small hand held Tv in his eyes. You are not and since you are the one who has some sense of reality left, you are the one who must act to protect yourself and your family. Have you read Boundaries for marriage, by, Townsend and Cloud? It is great, along with the Five Love Languages by CHapmen. GIve them a try, more for yourself than anything else. As far as if you should leave or stay, what do you have to gain in each situation? What would you have to do to leave, without actually moving out (I mean if he only watches TV, if you stay and stop doing for him how long until he notices? You might as well skip the pressure of moving if he won't notice anyway.) Will he fight for the children to remain in with him? Sorry, my post has more questions than useful advice. If you have any feelings left for this marriage, or love for your husband, even if in the form of staying true to the commitment of marriage, read everything you can get your hands on, talk to a trusted pastor, and find a group of women who have a strong grasp of the Bible to help you through this time. Those here are wonderful, and full of wisdom. I hope you can reach peace and find someway to resolve this situation for the benefit of all. Do what you feel in your heart is the right thing and pray a lot!! I don't mean to sound overly preachy, prayer helped me so much, actually more than anything else, and I am still reaping the benefits of it. Wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.

J I really am shocked and surprised at your H's reaction of lack of one actually. I agree with everyone that it's time to think of you and your kids and sfmc poses some good questions too. I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds like he is a good father but a lousy husband. I wish you luck and will keep you in my prayers

J-C,<p>I am not shocked. I had hoped he would respond with a more outward display. However, you may yet get your reactions. But, let's stop and think about this a second.<p>If he did know for 4 years and he hasn't said anything to you, then it is likely that he has pulled away and shoved this stuff way down inside.<p>He is staying married to you for his own reasons, but I don't think it is because he thinks you love him. He thinks you are here (in the marriage) out of sympathy or for the kids.<p>If he does indeed feel this way, then just this letter is not going to turn a big tanker around very quickly.<p>I think you should view this as the first command to "come about", then start to constantly apply pressure to him so that he keeps coming around and responds. I would like to suggest that you talk with your counselor about this as well.<p>My bet is that he has a lot of stuffed inside very deep scar tissue and it will need to be removed. I may be wrong. But, frankly I worry that I am not.<p>J-C, you have started. This is the first possible move toward recovering your marriage don't despair.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Maybe you should tell him that you are thinking about a trial separation if he won't go to counseling with you. I don't know--I am really stumped on this one. I understand that you can't continue like this, though. It must be really awful for you.<p>I told you that in my story, I left after spending months fussing atmy husband to leave the PC alone, but my husband turned around and tried to replace me with someone else once I did leave. He claimed that I didn't care enough about him to stick out the marriage.<p>I sure hope it works for you--stand up for yourself and be brave. Everyone deserves to be loved.<p>Good job on your honesty--that was really tough and you did it. We are all proud of you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tetra:
<strong>J-C:<p>I am surprised and not surprised by your H's reaction. He is in the throes of an addiction - with the tv "drug" he can lose himself in the "fantasy" of his progams and insulate himself from all the feelings, issues and problems of the real world. Even when it is crumbling around him. I've seen it before, as my father was an alcoholic and as long as he had something to drink, everything was ok and nothing could hurt him. It was only when our entire family and his friends did an "intervention" that he sought help for his problem. And it worked!!<p>I truly feel your pain. My concern is that given his recent reaction to your news, if you state your intention to leave, he may withdraw even more. Truly, at some point you have to think of yourself and your Cs, but talk to your MC. Run the idea of an "intervention" (which would include family and ideally, friends) by him, to be followed by some kind of addiction treatment program.<p>If this fails, by all means do what you need to do to look after yourselves and begin a separation process for a period of time.<p>I say all this because your H right now is not a rational human being. Don't look at the tv as a mistress - its much more than that. Its a drug.<p>God Bless!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well said Tetra. A mistress is a beer but his t.v. is heroin.<p>I wouldn't be surprised if and when J-C leaves him with her daughters in tow, he is still going to be watching t.v.<p>Joe

JC, get yourself a video camera, and tape yourself talking to your husband. Tell him how you feel and how much you want to save your marriage. Don't beat him over the head again about the affair-- my guess is that at some level he knew when you were in Cancun, and the fact that you blew him off when you came back probably just sealed it in his mind that he'd lost. Maybe if he sees you on TV he will hear you.<p>I can empathize with your feelings toward the TV. My husband has been spending hours and hours playing an on line video game. The night before last I came to him while he was playing and said "When is the last time you sat and talked with me for two hours straight after dinner?" He turned off the game and came into the bedroom with me-- then fell asleep! Not exactly the communication and connection I was looking for!<p>But, we're going on a short cruise together next weekend, and we do try-- sometimes, not enough-- to get out of the house and spend time together.<p>Can you get him to go to counseling with you? Can you get him to agree to give you his undivided attention for 20 minutes at a definite time? I mean schedule it with him, so that he's mentally prepared that on Sunday at 4 pm (when there's nothing on anyway, right?) the two of you will sit in the car or someplace where there's no TV and no computer and you will talk. Start small.<p>There is hope. He's obviously depressed and has been for years, it won't be cured overnight. But if you can wake him up to how much you need to connect with him, there is hope.<p>[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Charynne ]</p>

Charynne<p>You responded to a post of mine and I will return the favor . [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] - not trying to hijack the thread.<p>I would bet that the game is Everquest or Dark Ages of Camelot. EQ basically was the escape from the marriage that my wife and I both took (only she met someone playing EQ). The OM did a nice job of convincing her to leave partially by playing DAOC (those games are good for something). EQ and the internet are now gone from my house (yes you can live without the internet). May I suggest that you try to give your husband an ultimatum. EQ (DAOC) or you.
If I had came home one day and found both computers in my house sold and my wife had told me that it was either them or her (flat out and not in a round about way) then I think my mess could have been avoided. Will he be mad if you do that? Yep but ask him how mad he will be if you had an affair. Show him my post if you like.<p>BTW what server does he play on. I may know him.
Good luck.<p>Good luck J-C and may I suggest selling the TV while he is at work. Drastic yes but look at the alternative.

GTV, my husband plays "Descent." I am absolutely, 100% positive he's not meeting any women in that game-- it's a shoot 'em up fly your spaceship through confusing mazes of buildings while trying to capture the other team's flag and killing the others before they kill you kind of game. No role playing in the conventional sense, no chatting. I think most of the other players are college and high school boys. He noticed a drop off in the number of games available during the recent semester break-- probably a lot of players were at home and didn't have their dorm high speed access.<p>My nephew and brother in law play Everquest, and my nephew tried to get my husband interested in it so they could play together, but husband didn't like it.<p>My husband is self-employed and actually does use the computer for work, so selling it is not an option, and I really don't think we need to go that far. I want and need more conversation and more real communication with him, but if I got rid of the computer the problem would shift elsewhere-- the TV, tinkering in the garage, something to fill the time.<p>Thanks for thinking of me, though. If you have any ideas on how to get him to talk more, I'm all ears (all eyes?).

Charynne<p>Try love coupons. <p>Sexual act A after 2 hours of conversation. Or put one coupon as sexual act A (you fill in the blank) and another coupon as 2 hours of conversation. Make up about 10 coupons for different things. He has to use every coupon in the book before you give him a new booklet of them. <p>work with the idea and you may come up with something. Tit for tat.

"Tit for tat"? LOL<p>Only problem with that solution is that I want sex more then he does! Maybe I can trade cooking dinner (which he's been doing more often than me lately). I'll think about it.