I have read through posts, thinking maybe I can start here...Is there anyone here that does not believe in confessing to A, feels that it would be more damaging, or is this just considered dishonest, and a road block to recovery? Thanks for any input

I'm going to get flamed for this one big time because I’m going to go completely against marriage builder’s principles. I don't always believe that telling is the best way. I understand all of the logic of telling. If you tell you puts yourself and your partner on even ground. He/she then knows the full story and can make an informed decision. It also holds you more accountable to not do this again since your spouse knows and no longer trusts you. <p>However, I believe their can be very good reasons for not telling. Just a few of the reasons are: Threat of physical abuse. Threat of losing everything you know (i.e. being ostracized for all of your family and friends.) And I think the pain of an affair (for some) can be so great that the person would never ever do something like that again so why hurt somebody they care about. <p>I don't think it's exactly fair to the spouse not to tell but then the affair is the ultimate unfairness anyway. In my case my H does not know everything, he was adamant that HE DID NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, so rather than following him around the house shouting details to him I gratefully let it go, of course he had/has issues of his own that he didn't want to have to deal with so he had an ulterior motive. We are working on recovering our marriage and simply rebuilding our trust and love for each other.

My H had an A and did not tell.<p>Held that secret in for 15 years. And I'll tell you what it did. It prevented him from having true intimacy with me. It caused him to avoid me, kept a wall between us. <p>His thinking was that it was a mistake that he would never repeat. He was afraid of the repercussions. So he kept it in, and the guilt was eating at him for years.<p>I really believe that his guilt, his distance, his fears caused the atmoshere that broke down our relationship and caused my affair.<p>And I have a lot of resentment about being lied to for so many years, and basing major life decisions without having all the knowledge of events that impact my life.

I have to agree with Endevor. My H is an alcohloic. He has just starteed his recoery & now I feel I may have hurt his recovery by telling him. He is in AA & I've been attending al-anon. Step 9 (or is it 10? anyway) says to admit all wrongs you've done, unless it will hurt the person, or someone else. I keep thinking back to that. I've hurt my H so badly. I don't know if he can ever get over it. You have to look at your own situation & decide for yourself, but yes sometimes I think not telling may be best. Before you do decide that though, ask yourself, is ther any way at all your spouse may find out about this from another source? If so, I think you telling him/her would be better than them finding out some other way.

I appreciate the diversity of responses...I have mixed feelings, but wonder if a full recovery is possible, holding the A inside...My Major battle now is getting rid of all of the resentment I feel for H, I'm having a hard time letting him back into my heart, fully, and I feel so disconnected from him...not sure where to start...We went to a Family Life weekend, it was Wonderful...but 2 months later, I find myself back at square one...can anyone relate?

Chelle, <p>Maybe it’s because of the alcoholism that we both agree. If I rub my husbands nose in the affair it’s going to cause him to drink more. Then he has the excuse of my cheating to not be sober. I also don’t want to say well you’re a drinker and made my life miserable so that’s why I cheated on you. I just want to fix the marriage.

Endevor, wondering how your recovery is going...and how long you have been in recovery? Do you remember where you started?

Lexxy, I can see your point as well...find it interesting that you went on to be the WS? Sometimes I just wonder how in the world a marriage can be saved after all of this...I, unfortunately am motivated to save marriage Mainly for my 3 children, as terrible as that may sound, it's where I'm at..and I know that my H loves me very much, it's just that so much has happened, and he's never been big on communication, we try, but it is such an effort...it is hard to feel connected and close when it is like pulling teeth sometimes to hold a conversation...we can be in a car for 6hrs and barely talk...

Endevor,
Thats just it, the alcoholism. I was so hurt by all the things my H did when he was drinking. I actually felt justified, during the affair. I do know now that is was WRONG. The was nothing my H could ever do to justify what I've done. Now I've hurt him, and myself, with one thing, more than he has hurt me with the (long list of) things he has done. I guess all we can do is work toward the future, thats easy for me, but my H is still having a really hard time with everything. I just want to fix things too, I'm just not exactly sure how to go about doing that.

Seekinglight,<p>Your last comment about the car got me to post. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Funny how little things strike one.<p>I think Lexxxy is right on many levels. I have been reading here for 3 years, this month. More than a few wayward spouses, WS, have come here with exactly your question. Most have stuggled mightily with it. If you want an example, look up "Jill" in the archives and present posts. She has many posts as she struggled with telling her H about an affair that was over.<p>Ulitmately, over a year after coming here, she posted that she had told him. She was surprised because one of the first things her H did was apologize to her. Can you imagine???<p>Well, you see he felt he was at fault for putting into a position where she felt the need to have the affair. Now, that doesn't mean that birds broke forth with song, the skies brightened, rainbows could be seen everywhere. It meant they had the grounds to start to be really married.<p>It is often stated here by those that recover from their spouse having an affair: "as much as I hated the affair, I must admit it may have been the best thing to happen to my marriage." Why? Because it opened up communications,it opened up wounds and let the infection drain, it made both people very vulnerable and they began to see each others vulnerabilities.<p>SeekingLight, I know this is a decision only those involved can make, but realize what Lexxxy has said to you. Her H had to build barriers around his heart, around various topics, perhaps even needed to stay away from different physical locations in order to protect his secret. The result is he held Lexxxy away. It has or is killing their marriage.<p>The short term consequences of telling look very bleak, but the long term consequences of not telling can be even more devastating.<p>You can keep your secret. With luck no one else will spill the beans, but it will cost you, it will cost your H, and it will cost your children, because you are going to have to change permenately and protect your secret perpetually.<p>Think about it.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>
PS: Oh! the reason I posted? My W and I talk a fair amount, but I love to drive. When I drive I have no need to talk. I just like the open road, the scenary, the whole thing. Why talk, when you can soak up being with someone, seeing things, driving, etc. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My point, your H isn't unique about the driving and the silence. When I was a batchelor I would go on road trips with friends, and we would cover thousands of miles, sometimes as much as 1200 miles a day, and say very little except "time for a pit stop". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

The EMR ended Sept. 2000; it had gone on about 1-½ years. I confronted my husband about his drinking, the state of the marriage, and how unhappy I was. He told me at that time that he would never have another drink as long as I recommitted to the marriage. He didn’t want to talk about the previous two years, wouldn’t go to counseling, just wanted to get on with our lives. Of course he broke his promise to not drink after about three weeks but by that time the affair was over. In a nutshell his wife found out, he wanted an immediate guarantee and I realized that a relationship between the OM and I would have never worked. <p>Recovery in some ways is great; in some things we are better than ever. We both try to validate each other’s feelings and to be there for each other. We are both a lot kinder to each other. In other areas I feel nothing will ever change. He still drinks. I’ve given up that argument, he won’t change and I’m not going to make myself go crazy worrying about it. And every once in awhile he will get very depressed about our marriage and tell me how unhappy he is with me (something he’s done our whole married life) then I’ll get depressed about the status of things. Other than that we take each day as it comes. We never ever talk about the past or his drinking, they are both taboo subjects.

I agree completely with Lexxy -- especially if the affiar is over.<p>Whether you realise it or not, that secret will keep you from complete intimacy with your spouse. It did with my WW and it did with me previously (I had a one-night stand in an earlier relationship - not in marriage). That dishonest secret weighed on me and it still does. I feel that guilt and lack of forgiveness for my actions.<p>Honesty is clensing, it is uplifting, it is healing - both for the person that is dishonest and the person you where dishonest to.