I think my Giver has run out of gas and I am not sure what to do anymore. I don't even know what it was about this week that has made me feel this way but I am really confused. Maybe it is because next Saturday it will be 6 months since my husband left and that was the time frame I had in my mind that we would have this resolved by then. I know I am not near ready for Plan B but I also don't feel I can give anymore.<p>Many of you may recall that my H and I had a huge breakthrough several weeks back and we have finally come to agreement on a lot of things that we have both been doing wrong and what we need to do to fix them and our relationship. I guess my problem is that I am seeing myself continuing to grow and make the changes necessary and I am hearing him speak the words of what he needs to do to make this right but I am not seeing any actions which is making it hard for me to continue to give. He did, however, start his counseling which is a huge step and I am so happy for him and do keep encouraging him to continue.<p>I am to the point now where I don't even understand why we are still separated. He comes over the house every day and basically just leaves when it is time for him to go to bed. I am afraid to ask him how much longer he thinks we will continue to live like this because I already know the answer will be "I don't know". I am also tired of hearing him tell me EVERY month that he is moving home only to be disappointed.<p>I guess I just really don't know what to do anymore and need some encouragement to keep hanging in there. <p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.<p>Michele

Please, I know what you mean about running out of gas...I get there too. Then I come here and get so much wonderful support from loving people. Remember what your goal is, pray for more strength to get through...I'll pray for you too. It is amazing what we can get through with a little faith and hope, you will fing that here and when you pray...please, keep that giver giving, more than not it will pay off. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tough one Michelle. Since you are not ready for plan b, my assumption would be that you still have more to give (and/or you have an addiction to him that you may want to break). When you can give no more or it simply hurts too much, or you fear that any more action on your part will lead you to no longer love your WS, it is a good time to consider plan b. Everyone has different levels of tolerance to plan a. Plan a is the far more difficult plan to do (in my opinion).<p>Only you can decide when you are ready for a change.

Hey - I've been there - I literally ran out of Plan A gas about 3 weeks ago. My Giver had snapped.<p>But... I used that as an opportnity to take a break. Tried a few new things. Did some Weiner-Davis Divorce Busting, which actually helped me detach a bit - and guess what? Restore some of my Plan A motivation!<p>And now, I feel like I have a new outlook / attitude that MIGHT - JUST MIGHT - be starting to pay off.<p>That attitude, if I were to characterize it: be happy, confident and mostly, be the WS's friend. Be supportive, but don't be pushy about it. Let them come to you. Plan your own life as if they weren't there - but do be kind - invite them to join (expecting them to decline). No relationship talk - allow them to bring it up, but don't allow the conversation to live very long - onto happier subjects! Small talk, happy talk. (I mean, in a healthy, mature relationship, isn't that one of the characteristics?!) And you know what? That sounds like Plan A to me!

I agree with Faith n Hope, I have many times in the last 6 months thought I just could not give into more of WH selfishness. It has now been 2 weeks since separation, and I have had some say that I should now go to plan B. I really did give it some consideration, but I started to read the "Praying Wife" and there was a passage that that help me continue my love for WH and plan A.<p> "If your husband in going through a difficult time, carry it in prayer, but don't carry the burden. Even though it hurts to see him struggle and you want to fix it, you can't. You can pray, encourage, and support, But God uses trials for His purpose & you must stay out of His way." Since reading this passage & saying to myself that it is his burden that he has to work thourgh, & Not mine has really help me. I fine I have more patience & as many have said time is you friend. This roller coaster is h-ll, but coming to these boards have help me so much. I thought it was time that I try to give back. I haven't responded much, just usually luking with an occasional post - different name.<p>Just an idea, but when WH joins us to eat, we say grace by praying that we can do all things through Christ who strengthen us. I have had some bad days recently, but I know I feel the strength helping me to continue offering support, but letting him bear the burden. I just stay offer support, but let him have the thoughts.<p>WH counselor told him to not continue marriage counseling, until he gets off the fence. IC yes, but after a year WH is doing little action- still contact.<p>J.R - I would like to here about some of the new divorce busting ideas you tried. J.R. You help me also by reminding me to let WH come to me, again I should be praying for more strength & patience.<p>It is so hard to not speed things up & staying out of the God's intented lesson. I have had to toss between contact OW or not. I lost patience & contacted, it probably extended their togetherness. Hope this helps.

My giver just doesn't care anymore. I had the Elders of my church pray for me for emotional healing last Sunday and I have such freedom now. The unbearable pain is not steering me in all directions. I was so afraid of making wrong decisions based on the pain of rejection that I was feeling. Now, I feel like I am concerned and supportive of WS but not trying to fix and carry his burden. If there is any fixing, it is his problem now. I have done all that I can do. I can only respond now to his changes, if any. This is a good thread and I am in the same place as you, sballplyr. WS is saying all the right things---"I know I love you now, your love is deep and lasting, OW is so different and I see her for what she is, I have made a huge mistake, It will be hard to break off with OW, can't do counseling, etc" Sound familiar??? At least your WS is there all the time. Mine said all these things and I have not seen or heard from him since last Monday. I suggested 2 things for him to work on and maybe he is doing that. Who knows?<p>It sounds like maybe a little space and patience but I have so many questions myself about what WS need when trying to end contact and work through the feelings they have.<p>I think I can finally say what J.R. is saying and mean it now. It is a great place to be. Be there but know your emotional boundaries. Be prepared for anything. It is so puzzling to know if the damage can be repaired. I wonder if I want to repair the repair the damage.<p>TW

The Power of a praying wife helped me also. That passage that you quoted above stopped my in my tracks. I have to stay out of the way so God can work in his life. <p>The prayer group at my church prays over me & it does give such peace. It doesn't last all the time but it keeps me going. My giver is about worn out too. then I get strengthened by prayer.<p>Longing mentioned an addiction to WS. I wonder if thats what I'm experiencing. How do you know?<p>This is a good thread.<p>This week I'll be asking WH questions about A. Steve says to make it like a fact finding mission & stay calm. That is hard to do. (again prayer helps.)

Michele,<p>Patience, time and patience is required here. You are seeing progress. You two had a major breakthrough. You two are seeing one another everyday, and He is the one that is coming over and making contact. Meaning he WANTS to be there.<p>I doubt seriously that you will or are seeing the changes that are going on within him. But from the sounds of what you are saying they are occuring.<p>So, give the Giver a small break, but don't let the Taker go too crazy. It seems to me, this is working itself out. You both are learning, you both are progressing, so give it that old time and patience.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I just want to thank everybody for the advice on this thread. It has helped tremendously. Somewhere, deep down inside of me this weekend, I was able to find the gas station to refill my "Giver".<p>A lot of it had to do with my husband inviting me to spend the day with him on Saturday in Palm Springs at his softball tournament. This was huge for us. It has been so long since he has wanted me to come and watch him play softball. It was awesome. It was very nice and the weather was beautiful.<p>Thank you all again for the words of encouragement.<p>Michele