Well, I have to go for the day- and I won't be home this weekend- this really did help just spilling it some today. Thank you! I'll be back when I can to keep writing- what great therapy! In fact so that I can find it easier later maybe I'll copy all this into my ownthread when I get back to it. Have a great weekend!

I'm Here! I'm Here! And I'm reading... I'll do what sadprincess (my sarcastic soul-sister!)did... print this out, take it along to finish. It's nearly 1PM out here on the left coast. I have a 2:00 meeting at work and then a Rite of Election at church -- both of my older kids are doing confirmation & 1st communion this easter. After THAT I'm meeting a dear dear friend who's in town (from NYC as a matter of fact) for a late supper. <p>I'm glad you're here NY, and no worries about posting your story on this thread. Sounds like the evil twins may in fact be triplets! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Will catch up later today if I can. And I'm creating my new MB friendly email addy today for sure... <p>Snow

I did it! It's just for MB and it's MB_Snowwhite@msn.com. <p>NY, your story is hard to read. You've been through so much. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] My heart goes out to you. I know I know I know SOOOOOoooo much of what you've been through... those endless days of keeping house and kids and work and health all at acceptable levels, only to be greeted with the ogre in my bed at the end of the night. You hold on and you hold out because of love. You love them, you want that love returned... <p>I spent part of this evening at church with the kids and H. The first of the readings was from Hebrews. " Stay true to your marriage and do not defile the marriage bed... " I wanted to cry then and there, thinking of just how defiled that marriage was, and yet there I was sitting next to him and letting him put his arm around me. But it was spoken and written plain as day. Don't do it. It will hurt and it will cost. <p>It's pointless to wonder what might have been, I know. But I would have gladly endured what I endured and stayed married, if it weren't for the infidelity. As many times as I wanted out, I knew it wasn't HIM I disliked, it was the habits that hurt. Would I have ever even wanted out if it weren't for that threat, the one he proved he was capable of so long ago?<p>On another note, I picked up smoking again full time after the A's came out. We should think about forming an MB Quitters club, for our own good. I for one, know I'm having a good day when I haven't even thought of lighting one up. There are, on the bright side, more and more of those days lately. <p>Snow

Just another quick note. My MSN/Hotmail account isn't opening and I'm gettiing error messages. It looks like my link has been deleted from the system files. I'm still accessing internet by usiing Explorer. But I wonder if this is all about to crash... Doing tech work today. Hope to be back up and running tomorrow. <p>Snow

Snow, Daisy,&scared,
I feel like Im in the middle of a Jane Eyre movie. The drama of our lives is so apparent when written down.
Snow I was surprised to find I am younger than you (teehee) thought if you were so sarcastic you must be my age.
I have been writing my monthly updates and printing them out. When I saw you all writing the WHOLE story I thought it was a great idea. Then I thought what I would have to say. Its not that I dont trust you but I dont think I could write down yet the past story, it only makes me feel more stoopid. (The hit by a brick thingy)
Snow, One thing I did notice. I read somewhere that a sexual addict often takes a conquest to a motel room or whatever and gets up and leaves in the middle, or cant finish. It is not out of guilt but the conquest is the thrill not the sex.
I am glad to see you are LIVING now and happy with who you are, I am so proud of you.
Check on you all tomorrow, please keep writing.

Hey SP! Old chicks can be smarty-pants too! Maybe even more so... more time to refine the craft. <p>I've read a few of your monthly updates. It was partly your use of this space as a journal that spurred me on. At another BB I saw a special place just for "my story" but most of them were super-condensed. As you know, I have no shame and don't believe in brevity [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] . Sometimes there's no other way but to spill it all. <p>Drama, yes. I've often wondered how much of a drama queen is in me. Maybe that's why some of us endure unhappy, unfulfilling marriages for so long. No, it's more than unhappy -- miserable, pathetic really, degrading at many points. That whole paragraph that NY wrote about her severely overextended day, only to be met at the end of it by a husband who EXPECTED no-strings-attached, wifely duty sex. Ugh! I can relate to that all too well. <p>In reading what we have of NY's story so far, it's not too difficult to see how damaged her H was when he entered into the relationship. She did what so many of us do. She loved him, so she waited it out, gave him time and space and kept hoping that things would work out. <p>One thing I find myself saying to my H over and over is, " You do not exist in a vacuum ". It's one thing ALL WS's seem to have in common -- that misconception that their life is their OWN. It isn't, never was, never will be. We are all born to someone and we exist among others and we do belong to the universe (or God or the Goddess or whatever you want to call it). While we're here every action we take affects someone somewhere in some way. <p>Oh yes, and the SA thing... as I've said before, everything he has told me about his ONS's -- his rationale at the time, his emotions, how he felt about the sl*ts, the leaving in the middle, after the conquest -- good point -- all seem to say SA. He of course, refuses to even consider looking into it. <p>Hmm. More reading to do. <p>NY, we're waiting for the rest of the story...<p>Daisy, H says he has NOT been flying to Quebec. I had my doubts. <p>Snow

Hi Snow. Thanks for the replies. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I had a nice weekend. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Friday night- Sunday afternoon. I fell in love with the Jacuzzi. It definitely deposited lots of love units. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I want to write more- but have been unable to yet today. Will be outta here soon, thinking maybe I might get a little time to do some writing tonight. I thought about it- and I am going to paste what I said into my own thread because that way I will be able to find it again. This is the first time I've attempted something even close to the whole story.<p>You said "In reading what we have of NY's story so far, it's not too difficult to see how damaged her H was when he entered into the relationship. She did what so many of us do. She loved him, so she waited it out, gave him time and space and kept hoping that things would work out. "<p>You're right. What perfect 20/20 vision I have now on the train wreck I walked into blindly. Given this clear a vision of reality way back when, I know I would choose to have just let him go and move on with my life rather than put myself through all I have been through. But then I had no reference point to have comprehended it if someone had told me how bad it was going to be. I guess it's one of those things you have to really live through before you can understand just how bad it really can be and just how helpless you are to have ANY control over it.<p>I am so glad that now I have the husband I prayed for all those years, but I don't dillusion myself in any way that it is because of anything I did. He just finally hit his bottom and got ready for change and to work through some of his demons. In fact if anything what I did was enable it to continue for so long and slowed down his hitting bottom. Not something I recommend. <p>Right now I mostly am getting by on the notion that this is a new man, and a new marriage, that's how I'm coping with it, by trying to separate it from now as much as possible. It's true too. He's completely different to the point of trully being a new man, and our relationship a new marriage.<p>What to do with all the old memories and hurt is a real problem though. This writing has been good for me, I'm looking forward to getting back into it tonight, time to go. See ya.

Scared? Im on the edge of my seat here!!!

Smarty pants = snowhite hehehe I bet your not much older than me. I am 38. Husband younger.

I am still trying to get up the nerve to do my life as a story, in thinking about it Im reliving a lot of stupid mistakes I have made in life.
Check back tonight <p>Lisa smartpants

Duh!!! I was looking all over for this thread yesterday and couldn`t find it. Did it go onto another page and now it`s been bumped back up??? <p>I am still here, I worked alot last week so I couldn`t get on. I`ll take the time to read all of this and post a little later tonight or tomorrow.

Sorry to leave anyone hanging on the edge of their seat. I really wanted to post last night, but I got home to find my entire living room in the middle of the floor disassembled and in boxes. My H started repainting and hanging paneling before Christmas, and decided yesterday he was going to finish up the walls he hadn't because of having to take apart the computer desk and entertainment stand etc. So my computer was REALLY not accessible, sorry. <p>It looks like it won't be tonight either. Oh well, it looks nice, it'll be worth it when he's done. I'll be back soon as I can guys. In the meantime I'm still checking in when I can from work.

Oh yea- I also wanted to tell y'all that I had a realization as to why the whole Valentine's thing bothered me so bad. I thought that was the time he left the first time for a weekend- it wasn't, that must've been in January, because while he was gone the second time I kept a journal of each time I had contact with him incase we ended up in court. I dug it out the other day and the second time he left was February 15 last year. I didn't make a mark of exactly the day he came back- was too excited, but just based on the last notes I made it was in the first week or two of March. Within two weeks of his return is when I started to really learn the whole story- all the lies finally came out. So this is the start of all that. No wonder I was so upset. <p>You know it's funny- mentally - conciously I had forgotten, gotten it mixed up, but my sub concious knew- I've been a mess for the last couple months in general, more edgy, but Valentine's has had me just about hanging from the ceiling with anxt. No wonder!

Bumping. NY, I understand you're under construction but we're still waiting for the rest of the story! I'm on the edge of my seat, too...I check twice a day to see if you've gone and started that thread or addded anything here. Yesterday was the exception. Didn't even see you all posted on the 19th. <p>Daisy, I'm glad to hear from you too. Hope you're doing ok... <p>And SP, I'm only just baarrreeellly older than you! 39. Does it show? H is a few months older but WAY less mature! (hee-hee)<p>I have to tell you what a great week I've had!!! Nothing special has happened, I haven't done anything particulary interesting or amusing. But you know what? I wrote that post. And I don't know who's read it, who's seen it... I just feel liberated. I've had two (TWO!!) happy days in a row. Maybe three... Work is fun again. Walking home up the hill is fun again. Preparing meals is fun again. Planning a life is fun again! <p>I've realized that I really, really do NOT want that marriage. Nor do I want to be married to that man. I want to just go on by myself. I don't feel angry about this, nor particularly unnerved anymore. It is sad, yes. But it's OK. I'm going to be OK. And so is everything else. <p>I had an argument with my H last night and lost it -- said inappropriate things, was angry at what he was saying. But I somehow felt different. Wish I could explain it. It didn't ruin my day, it didn't drag on into today. I used to think about the arguments, the infidelities, the last ten, twelve years and cry. It was like my daily ritual. Stand in the shower and sob as hard and loud as I could, get it all out and try and face the rest of the planet. But it didn't happen today. Nor yesterday, nor the day before. No tears. <p>Okay, since I've said this much... Back in November I didn't think I would be alive in February, 2002. I sat in my living room, the kids with my H, and couldn't stop crying. And it had been over a year and a half of constant crying, unending pain, inescapable agony. We had been trying to reconcile, but I just couldn't do it. My heart wasn't into it anymore. I was in so much pain over my H and all of those women, it was all I could think about every time he kissed me or touched me or flirted with me... I couldn't understand how I could love a person who could do this to me. I can't even write out what I planned (it only involved me and at one point, an OW) but I did plan and sob and plan some more. Staring at a bottle of vodka and a container of pills... I didn't think that I would be here in February! And I am SooooooooOOOO happy that I am! <p>I realized that all I ever wanted was someone to love me enough to never hurt me. And then I realized that I had to love myself enough to never hurt myself again. <p>In peace <p>Snow <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<"I realized that all I ever wanted was someone to love me enough to never hurt me. And then I realized that I had to love myself enough to never hurt myself again. "><p>That's really it in a nutshell. You have hit upon one of those major wake up call kind of realizations there, and I know exactly what you mean, and I agree. My H doesn't get it, he thinks I'm giving him ultimatums when I tell him how I will never take that kind of treatment again. It's not, it's a deep seated belief that I won't do that to me again. I'm not going to be his self martying emotional punching bag anymore. He is responsible for how he feels, and I am responsible for how I feel. It would be an ulitmatum if it were a threat, but it's only a threat if he decides to be abusive to me again, so I really think of it more as fair warning, honesty, and a plain statement of the truth, I will follow through on it if I ever need to.<p>I havew anted to come here and post- but it's been busy at work this week and too many people around- last Friday I was alone. But good news!! My H got the computer together again late last night, and he isn't playing this weekend, so I have some writing to do!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have started working on it a little at work- writing it in word, it's easier to hide that way- the MB Web site IE tab there just kinda looks out of place and obvious as to what you are doing, and I don't like advertising my personal life at work.<p>See ya later. I'm so glad you are feeling good now. You go girl! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

GIRLS!!!
Could it be we have all realized the same thing???
*I dont have to trust him not to hurt me, I have to be able to trust myself to be ok if he does!*<p>smartypants - I am not younger in years but since I have two toddlers Im younger in wisdom - hey maybe your husband and I are the same in dog years?<p>OOOh scared I am so frustrated, now I will have to go back and reread the whole dang thing when you finally write again.
until tomorrow ladies

At the very least I know exactly what my sign-in name is goint to be the next time I have to sign up for something. Smartypants really speaks to me! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now I have to go back and re-read your posts, Princess. I think you're right. The lightbulb is pretty bright all of a sudden, huh?<p>NY, I think you have had that kind of love before. Sounds like you saw it in your grandmother. She stood by you at your worst and pulled you up when no one else would. We share that experience too. I was a throw-away child. My parents decided that the way to deal with my F's attempt to molest me was to send me back to the old country. There, I found that love, too. My granny cared for me like no one else ever had, or has since, and it came at the worst possible time in that young life of mine. Things are starting to make a lot of sense here!

Snowwhite...
Snowypants...
Smartywhity...<p>(Maybe we can take all we've learned collectively and write a Jackie-style romance-gone-bad novel and make a gazillion dollars?)<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]</p>

Daisy, are you hanging in there too? I lost this thread for a while myself. What's going on?<p>Snow