Hello,
I am brand new to this message board and have been reading the postings all morning long. I am amazed at all of the people who are starting to love and live life again.<p>I am a Male 32 with 2 children. 3 yr old and a 18 mth old girls. My W is 24 and younger than I.<p>About 4 weeks ago I came home and logged on the internet. I hit the drop down menu address bar and was shocked to find a website address there called, "www.man.com". I went there and was etremely amazed to see what I saw. A chat room, at least "x" rated in content.<p>I had to ask her what this was. She claims she has no idea, then that she went there on accident, etc... I of course don't think that I believe this. <p>I have since then started investigating our computer to see if she is being infidel via the internet. I have found 6 different chat programs downloaded on my computer, all hidden. I have found a picture of some middle eastern man and found her MSN chat room name listed as "Amilyn1D".<p>She claims she knows nothing, that she has no idea where any of this stuff came from, that she is innocent, that she has not had an affair of the heart and she seems to have what I call the Bill Clinton Syndrome. "I can't remember..." "I'm not sure..." Blah Blah Blah. What is this crap??<p>I am sooooo confused and need advise on what to do. I have this Gut ache that won't stop. There is so much more that I have not told you about so if anyone has questions let me know?! Right now I am just simply and merely existing in this relationship. I have not left because She has not admitted it yet.<p>Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never quite thought of it that way, the Bill Clinton Syndrome but that fits so perfectly and my husband is suffering from it too. I also have irrefutable evidence to indicate he has an affair, EA, PA or both I don't know because he "doesn't remember, has no clue, no idea where the stuff came from". It's been almost 8 months since d-day and he still can't remember. <p>What I have learned here is that there is nothing you can do to make the WS confess. I know there is tracking software that will let you see each and every keystroke your wife types. I don't have the info but I'm sure someone else can provide it.<p>I wish you luck. Believe me it's a long and bumpy road to recovery.

Micheal, you say...I have not left because She has not admitted it yet.<p>That is probably why she won't fess up. She is afraid you'll leave her. If you plan on leaving when she admits it you might as well leave now, you already have enough proof. there is no sense researching it anymore. <p>However, if you want to be with her and try and work passed this tell her. Tell her, you know it was her. It is not a question you are asking for validation. It is a statement: you had an affair of the heart. I would like to work passed this. This is where we go from here: read up on this web site. Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Policy of Radical Honesty, Policy of Joint Agreement.

Well... yes the Bill Clinton Syndrome? It just seems to fit her sudden "loss of memory"<p>I don't know if I am planning on leaving her or not. I feel inside that it would depend on the level of the relationship she has had with her "FRIEND?" I just want to know if this evidence I have found on my computer would make anybody else suspcious about their mate? I feel like I am going crazy at times. I can barely handle her going to work? I want to know what I should do at this point. She and I have already taking the Emotional need questionairre. <p>We reviewed each others answers. I gues from what I read I fulfill about 50% of her needs. Mine on the other hand showed that she fills about .01% of my emotional needs. Maybe we have been doomed from the beginning. Dang we have only been married for 2 yrs and known each other for 5?<p>How do I get her to tell the truth?

Micheal,
Does anyone else live at your house? If not, you did not go there then she is the only one who could've gone there. I know you want to believe her but she is clearly lying to you. No, you are not crazy. WS typically lie though. You can not make her tell the truth. Let her actions speak louder than her words. YES, this evidence you found on your computer would make anybody else suspcious about their mate. I think you should tell her, you know it was her. I don't think you should question her because it is not a question of if she has, you already know she has. You say you did the EN - sounds like she has some work to do to prove to you she is committed to this marriage. Have yall read and agreed to the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. I'm sorry your here and your hurting.

If you still feel like you don't know the truth, there are ways to monitor computers.<p>WWW.iopus.com and www.spectorsoft.com are two programs that you can buy and download online to see all the computer activity.

I have felt that since I have not downloaded any of these programs that it can only be her. We only have us here and our young children. So there is now way another person could've downloaded the programs. Listen to this, she has tried to blame others for downloading them and she even went so far as to blame Hackers for doing it????<p>I bought spector pro and downloaded WASP from iopus.com. The problem is that since this all came about I think I have scared her into finding alternate ways of communicating with her possible "Friend" She like avoids the computer alot now and is very different about alot of things.<p>She fits the criteria of "50 signs of an affair." In fact almost every one of them. The ones that strike me the most are the thong underwear and the wanting to lose weight and get fit. She has told me in the past that she hates ecercise and that she hate thongs cause they would go up her Bu**. <p>Maybe I should just leave her and seperate from her for awhile until I can figure out what I want.<p>Continue helping me.............Plzzz

I'm sorry but it seems that nobody has any iformation or advice for me except the few who have replied??<p>Perhaps I am inpatient or perhaps I am in the wrong place?<p>Help.............

Michael Michael Michael...<p>Slooowww dowwnn..deep breath...
You find some web-sites looked at..and your ready to move out....yikes...that's a huge leap and loud yell that there are some things missing for and FROM both of you in this marriage...
I think you might want to look at the level of relationship the two of you have along with the level of relationship she may or may not have developed online...
You need to figure out what you both want....not just you...
Start reading...start picturing the type of marriage you imagine wanting/having...start looking at yourself and what role you play in this...Obvioulsy there are some communication difficulties here...
And I have to say that personally I who has a huge sense of curiousity could/would/might/may visit some sites one time out of pure curiousity and even do so for a couple of weeks and it would not mean anything or lead to anything..BUT I do agree that I could/would/can and should be able to discuss it with my husband...and that if he asked me I would not lie about it..or FEEL the need to defend it...
At the risk of getting flamed here..I am just saying slow down..leaving her and your CHILDREN at this point seems to me way way way to drastic...and that it is through love and kindness that we work through some of these things...even sometimes the most horrible things...force us to become bigger persons than we even want to be....
I hear your anger...what I don't here is your hurt...I hear your I'm gonna find out and justice will be dealt...what I don't hear is how could this happen I love her so much...
slow down michael...
I wish you much peace...
I hope no offense is taken for none is meant..
ARK

Michael I posted to your Plan A Plan B post. Have you read them. That is where the advise comes from. It is a lot of information, but please read it

Michael,<p>I wrote a long one for you in your response to my H and the Super Bowl party!! Yah right, Check it out.<p>Anyway, I just read this post. I know the unknown it more painful than knowing. I have been here in and out of this forum for 2+years!! Big roller coaster!! I am 29 married 10 years, 2 children, wait 3 couting my H. (JK) sometimes I feel like I am checking up on a teenager...I shouldnt say things like that. About your delema as I understand it you think you spouse is haveing some sort of contact w/someone via internet??? I think you have taken the right step in trying to keep track of the computer thing. I don't know what eles to tell you, sounds like your spouse is like mine just forgets thing too quickly....or plays the dumb innocent part..I hate that...<p>Anyway, are there any other signs, have you tried to keep track of other activities??? My H, works alot I mean alot, has alot of meetings, works on commision and travels around the area alot, it is hard to check on him because he meets clients everywhere, he is at work more than he is home. He has a computer at work and i really cannot check it out there. This is where everything went wrong, is his workplace...<p>Do you have the 50 signs of spouse having an affair, I have a feeling I have 49 of them. I would like to know what they are....<p>I wish I could help you more!!!! Let me know
CJ

camjon,
Super Bowl Party? Did you confuse him with Mark H?

to luv and protect ME. I saw your link on my other post. I will read them and take them into my heart to learn and use. <p>Cam---<p>I think you did mi me up with someone else?... I think that your hubby was bu**shi(*$(& you about the trip the whole time. I love football and I would'nt even leave the state of Utah for a party unless I had tickets to the Super bowl. I will take a step back and rela just so you all know. I do feel so angry to think that I am being lied to by my wife. I want to find out what is going on. I guess I should just let things take their due course until I know different. <p>I appreciate her and love her so much that my feeling of anger is rearing its ugly head. I am mature enough to know that this is un-reasonable. Thank you for putting me in my place ARK!! You have helped me greatly.<p>IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE WITH SOME SIMILAR STORIES??????????<p>Micheal

I don't know how similar it is, but we all have lots of stories. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] My H got a laptop from the company he works for and he sits with his back to a wall so nobody can walk up behind him and see what he's typing. I also can't get any software onto it to find out what he's up to. I found lipstick smeared on his car door which he had NO idea where it came from, and the dry cleaners called me to tell me they couldn't get the stain out of my dress (it wasn't mine)...and on and on. However, he's still denying there's an OW. Yeah, right! ROFLOL<p>I am so sorry you're having problems, and I'm sure some of these folks who have been here longer will be of more help. I'm still learning. I just didn't want you to think you were alone!<p>Lots of hugs!

Thank you for your concern Phoeni in Tx. It is so hard to hear your spouse be so decietful and lie to your face isn't it?! I can't believe that my innocent softspoken shy wife is just the opposite over the last 3 months. <p>So what are you going to do about your H? <p>I personally still don't know what I will do with my young wife at this time?<p>I wish you love, peace and happiness in your quest.<p>Micheal.

Michael - it isn't what you do with your young wife. It is what you choose to do for you and for your life. If you want her to be part of your life and love her you are in for a rough time. <p>If all you think about is "what you will do with her" ... well, are you lining up retribution or a punishment? That simply won't work. If all you want is retribution walk away now and don't ever return.<p>Read Plan A. Live life for you. Improve yourself. Love yourself. At the same time be the best husband you possibly can be in the cirsumstances. Don't ignore her actions - don't pretend they are not happening. But don't attack them. Focus on YOU. Do not focus on HER dreadful actions in an aggressive way.<p>I hope this helps. Remember, if you really don't want this relationship you can walk away from it.

Michael - it isn't what you do with your young wife. It is what you choose to do for you and for your life. If you want her to be part of your life and love her you are in for a rough time. <p>If all you think about is "what you will do with her" ... well, are you lining up retribution or a punishment? That simply won't work. If all you want is retribution walk away now and don't ever return.<p>Read Plan A. Live life for you. Improve yourself. Love yourself. At the same time be the best husband you possibly can be in the cirsumstances. Don't ignore her actions - don't pretend they are not happening. But don't attack them. Focus on YOU. Do not focus on HER dreadful actions in an aggressive way.<p>I hope this helps. Remember, if you really don't want this relationship you can walk away from it.

Hi Micheal,<p>It sounds like your sweating as I have for close to 1 year now. You may have seen my posts under "My wife´s chats". It is a very difficult situation as an EA is not always as immediately impacting as a full blow affair. I use the Spector program as it records everything. You have a right to spy when it is something that involves you. The question with your wife is what she is saying and how far will it go. If it is a short term situation of curiosity and not a continuos contact with one guy you need to give her a little room to get it out of her system. However if it becomes intense and there is a strong attachment with this person you have a more difficult situation. I cannot really give advice as I am in a very difficult situation myself. My wife is hooked emotionally on 1 guy, they briefly met and now are on the phone. I have tried the principals on this site to no avail. She is hooked and I can do no good. Now I am faced with decisions, break up my family, give it time or go on with my own form of double life. If it was not for my kids I would have left in a flash. Your young so don´t suffer too much but do contemplate your actions carefully.<p>Good luck
Rich

I thank you all fo ryour advice. It all seems so logical and appropriate. I have to be honest though....I have the hardest time just sitting there waiting for this whole thing to un-fold. It is driving me crazy. I can say that over the last couple of weeks that I have stayed calm, quite and controlled with her about this. <p>My instinct says to run fast and never look back!! I know that this is not going to fix anything though. I need you all to guide me as best you can. I will be indebted to you all forever.<p>UPDATE______________<p>I went out of town this morning to visit my mother and brought my girls. Around 5 pm. I found that my wife is going out to the clubs tonight with a friend. <p>Again I feel like I am going crazy and feel as though, by letting her go I am just sitting here like a DUD letting her continue on with her life outside of us.<p>I'm not understanding why most of you want me to hang in there and wait? Fill me with more of you wisdoms so I may understand.<p>Love, Peace and Patience,<p>Micheal

Micheal,<p>Please slow down and read about MB. It is no use to chase her or to intefere. Print ENQ & LBQ, fill it as if your W. Think in the past and current, what your W complaint about your M ?. Those are the basis for your plan A. Read about Quick Guide and all about MB while you are waiting. Keep posting here for questions and update.