Hey everyone,<p>I'm new here. I came seeking some advice about my husband and what I have come to realize must be an addiction.

My H and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6, and have a 4 month old daughter. While dating in college, my H smoked a great deal of marijuiana (daily basis). I wasn't into it myself, but it didn't bother me that he was doing it then. When he graduated from college and got a job, I assumed he had quit. He just stopped doing it around me, so I really didn't think he was smoking it anymore. I found out one day, by showing up at his home without calling first, that he was still smoking. I told him that I was surprised that he was, and that I figured that since he was out of school and working that it wasn't exactly the "thing" to do anymore. Too many risks. Saving for future, could lose job, get arrested, etc. I also told him I wasn't really keen on him smoking because I felt it was something people with low self-esteem do. I didn't figure him for that type of person. He said I was right, wouldn't do it anymore...etc.<p>6 months ago, (towards the end of my pregnancy) I was cleaning out my H's pockets to put his clothes in the laundry and came across a bag with pot and paraphenalia. I confronted H. Told him that I wasn't as concerned about his smoking pot as I was his lying to me about it. (I had asked him on a few occassions why his eyes were red *had no idea he was smoking though* and he'd lied about the reason). He was upset, and swore he'd never do it again. I think he was afraid I was going to leave him. <p>Since then, I haven't been able to trust him with anything. (I don't question him all the time though because I know it will just cause fights). I have nightmares that he's cheating on me (sex drive has been lacking lately since having child), and I'm constantly checking his eyes out. I hate feeling this way. I love him. If he wants to smoke pot, I certainly wouldn't relish the idea, but I'd so rather him do that than lie to me or hide things from me.<p>How can I deal with this situation? How can I make myself trust him again? How can I get him to help me trust him again? <p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!<p>--------------------<p>Manny

Manny, I have same problem... your Marriage will have problems until he stops... he needs help... but he has to decide to stop.. not you- suggest counseling.. maybe you can get a counselor to confront him.. it is so sad what this type of thing can do to the marriage.. and his life.. unfortunately pot will let him veg out and ignore reality...<p>sorry I do not have more advice... there are groups for spouses of addicts, etc... I know it is awful, and I too feel I would rather deal with the pot and the drinking than lose the marriage.. but it is not much of a life anyway...<p>hugs, honey

Sorry but I must disagree (only my opinion)<p>Maybe he feels he has to hide the stuff bcuz he doesnt feel comfortable looking or acting high around you. As a former regular pot smoker (long long time ago!!) it kinda makes you feel paranoid, my H still occasionally smokes and he seems so much more into life when hes high. I dont want to sound like Im advocating the stuff, but there is much worse things he can be doing. <p>Yes it can be a financial strain if he is big time addicted but you need to discuss that with him. Find out how much he spends and where he gets it. (safety issue)<p>Maybe, consider sending your baby to a sitter or family members one night. Talk to him, make him feel comfortable to smoke around you. Maybe take a puff yourself!! Of course, only if your comfortable doing that yourself and your not breast feeding!! <p>Then he may not find it necessary to go behind your back any longer. If you can deal with the fact that he smokes, he can deal with being honest and open with you.<p>Just a suggestion, take it for what its worth. <p>Good luck

it's illegal... and can get all of you in jail... or both of you.. bad for the child, and bad for him... I am sorry, i too used, before I had a life... and thinkt he occasional toke is not the end o f the world either, but it sounds like there is trouble... sorry.. hugs, honey... i just know the truth of what drug problems do to families.<p>Hugs, honey... it's just ot the kind of thing responsible grown ups do... or good hubbys... thanks and god be with you.

I thought smoking pot was just a recreational thing too at first. Heck - we were the 70s generation. But it became a thing that my H HAD to do in order to get through the day.<p>It starts out like having a glass of wine in the evening, but for those with "self-esteem" issues or whatever, it becomes a kind of self-medicating way of getting out of reality.<p>My H would leave the room and my kids would say, that they wanted to go be with Daddy. I would LIE and say that he was doing (whatever) just to get the kids to not follow him. I would cover for him for years because I felt it was no big deal. Eventually our finances were going down the tubes!<p>Sure, for years you can blow it off as being a casual thing, but it CAN and probably WILL become something that HAS to be a part of your life. After 17 years of M, his pot smoking became a contributor in destroying our M. Especially once they get to the point that they are hiding from others and lying about it.<p>As you can see, this is a sore subject with me. After he went cold turkey, there were 2 more instances (that I know of) he fell back to it. He still talks about it occassionally because when times get tough, he thinks about how pot would relax him and take him out of the painful world.<p>Pot can be a casual thing for parties - and then people are able to stop - and grow up. Unfortunately, there are the others who need it for whatever purpose, to get through the day. Don't blow this off as "no big deal" - it is!